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My picking progression
Hello everyone. This is my first post on this site and im happy that i have found somewhere that I can lay all this insanity out on the butcher block. The first picking/eating incident which i remember very clearly occurred when i was in second grade. While sitting at my desk i would use my thumbs to stretch the collars of my shirts until they were taught and then bite through the fabric, using my thumbnails as a hard surface to bite against. By the end of each day my shirt would be soaked near the collar and up to 8 inches below that against my chest. There would easily be up to 100 small holes across the entire area. I would hide my shirts when i got home because of was afraid of my parents yelling at me. Months later my mother finally noticed. Instead of yelling though, she was saddened. Now when i look back on it I can see why. For several generations, OCD, panic/anxiety, bipolar, and schizophrenia had a death grip on every member of my family. Some family have joked and called it our family curse but its anything but funny.
The creature in my head that caused me to shred my own clothing with my teeth soon transformed itself. I was and still am a very eccentric person and did things that the other neighborhood kids did not partake it. Playing with knives, starting small fires, killing woodland animals with slingshots and other homemade weaponry. Self mutilation became a rewarding endeavor. These activities often caused injury to myself also. This is around the time that I began to notice how oddly satisfying it was to peel scabs off, making sure i got the entire piece including that thick ring of skin that forms around the area where the scab connects to the healthy flesh. Over the many years of indulging in what i see now as a taboo art in a gruesome way, the scars began to accumulate. Many people have noticed the scars that decorate me but a select few know why theyre so prominent.
Im 29 years old now. All of the disorders which assail me daily have grown with me. They are not strangers. They all have become good friends. But what was once a seemingly innocent skin rending fetish is now a fully developed case of dermotillomania with a side order of trichotilliomania. Scabs, cuticles, eyelashes, ingrown hairs, imaginary hairs and fibers(morgellons disease?), pimples and blackheads in the underarm region, I cut stretch marks so ill have something to rip open again for weeks, I insert needles into the rough skin near the edges of my toenails and leave them in there for days at a time. I tear off toenails and insert them between my teeth and leave them there because i like the pain in my gums. I "score points" by seeing how many blackheads, ingrown hairs, hair bulbs (follicles), and pimples i can rend in a particular amount of time.
Ive done well here with describing some of the things im cursed with performing on myself. The keyword there is "some". There are several more horrifying things which even i cannot bring myself to admit to doing.
Thank you if you managed to read this wall of crazed text. And Thank you all for making this website available.
Current Medications: Lithium, Gabapentin, Methadone (recovering heroin, fentanyl addict), Herbal teas containing domestic sedative blends, Benadryl.
September 09, 2010
Your "insanity report" is appreciated. Lol
It is comforting, i guess, to know other people feel the same things I do.
My primary issue is biting at my lips and tongue, though I have been self-masochistic in many other areas all my life (not just "self" masochistic, but primarily.) I find the pain I can inflict on myself to be far more - rewarding. (?). Ugh, I don;t even know the words to describe it all.
From what I'v read, I see masochism as a common thread for these issues, yet I can't say i am deliberately inflicting pain on myself when doing it. I just do it and I don't stop. I recognized what you were talking about, though, as far as making a game or contest out of it almost. Like - how much more can I take this time than last time? i'm gonna see how far back in my cheek I can go this time (etc...).
God, I feel sick, lol
Well... we're not alone.
September 09, 2010
Dearest Core, thank you for not only taking the time to write this post, but also for what everyone of us in here know, is bravery. So many of us have suffered in silence, and many suffered in violence. As you get to know us, you'll definitely see you are not alone. I find it interesting how you refer to your scars as decorations. For some reason or another, I've always found myself attracted to men with scars. I only did the American Apple Pie Boy Next Door type once (meaning "dated" not meaning "doing!")....but one man in particular was burned badly by fire on his arms. He would wear short or long sleeves, but also, because our little social network consisted of artists and musicians (names that are very high profile, bands that are famous, artists whose work only the very rich can afford),...yes, in the past, I lived in a circle that included that, but also included other things that were very far from main stream. From an early age I found I was always fascinated with BD/SM, and with blood (separately, not performing one in order to bring about a bloody result....it's important to me, to make that clear). What I am still trying to come to terms with is that,....I am 47, Grasshopper, and still active. Back to my friend with the burns. We were both drummers so we often wrapped our forearms and taped some fingers to prevent the sticks from slipping and so they could be maneuvered more easily. Him wearing wraps was a trademark as few knew what was beneath. But to me, I wanted to kiss them, and touch them, hold his hands and arms and gaze and get lost. Even facial scars,.... The point is, I know I was not going through any kind of "phase" as people liked to have thought because here I am at this age and guess what, I still like the same things. I have always had a "thing" for blood, another thing I shared with only two people. I have tattoos and piercings, yet I can pull of a sophisticated look in a suit, updo hair, all prim and proper with no one the wiser. My life, however, I'm guessing is around where yours is,...in a type of gray area. I still haven't shared all of my eccentricities,...not here, not any forum. I always doubted there could be one forum for all my little quirks to be layed out on the butcher block, as you say,...for all the world to see. So I selectively share. Please feel free to do the same, and share with us here what you feel comfortable with,...and do it when you're ready. No one in here will push you or make hurtful remarks. This is a support group. Frankly, this is the primary forum I visit because the people who post here, especially the regulars, really do go out of their way to comfort and share....and in our own way we can help to shoulder some of the burdens that you carry. You'll know when you're ready. Besides, I've got a few things up my sleeve that I have yet to divulge. Same as you. Same as lots of us. I believe we share what we need to, when we can. I found myself sharing more here, and getting more off my chest and feeling better about myself, .....because of this site. Because of the people here. It's safe here. And one of the things I like the most about this one particular site,.....somewhere along the line, at least one of us would say, "yep, been there, done that, okey dokey." I mean,....I've learned that most people on here aren't easily shocked, they don't judge you or the behavior, we've all heard stories of various "methods" of pain infliction. You won't scare us away. I truly believe in my heart that (first of all, if you're still reading this longass post),...if you stick around here enough, you'll see for yourself that this board is filled with beautiful people looking for the same things you are, regardless of what "methods" we use, regardless of how we do it, where we do it,.....it's safe here.