started again and frustrated with myself

i've have been using lemon juice as part of my regime to help even my skin tone. I felt good some days and mornings to wake up and not have any redness or soreness as everything from my past picking days had healed up flat although leaving lots of brown pigmentation around my nose and cheeks. Although I should had appreciate my skin then than it is now because somehow I was not satisfied that if my skin appears to be improving, then I should might as well get rid of all the blackheads along the process. But I have forgotten how upset this makes me as it makes my face worse and I am left with holes. At the moment I am covering them up with sudocrem, so I won't look at the disaster I have left on my face. I have not left my room yet and I feel like rubbish. Not knowing how long it will take to heal and not only that, the damage I am leaving. I hate to wear make-up as it just covers up the problem but I know what I really look like. I was able to confront my bf when I made my skin bad without make-up and he was being kind despite how ugly I felt and how much this does my head in. I am worried I am going mental, I don't know why I do it when I have already told myself over and over again that picking will only make things worse and how horrible I felt before but it seems like I have forgotten that or something. I keep contemplating about the past, how I miss my make-up free days and having beautiful skin, I wish so much that the picking at the start of this year never took place at all because now it seems to be taking over my life. I admit I have this illness in which I can't stop picking. Eventhough I may want to leave it all alone, I come up close to the mirror in the process of it healing and I see something thats caught in the hole I'm picked, and I'm digging so hard out of it to get it out. I understand this makes it completely worse. But I feel if the damage is already done, I might as well take all the crap out from it too.