Deformed Nails

I'm really glad I found this site. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not a lone freak. I have picked my cuticles on and off for my whole life. I'm 41. It's been an ongoing thing for many years now to the point where I have deformed some of my fingers nails. I've damaged the nail matrix so the nail grows funny. It starts with ridges and then developes deep groves. One of my thumbnails is not even recognizable as a nail. When people see it they freak out. People have grabbed my hands and asked what happened to my nail. It is extremely embarrasing! I literally want to die. One time, when I was a substitute teacher, I was on a schoolbus going to a fieldtrip. The young child I was sitting with asked me what happened to my thumbs and I told her a piano key cover got slammed on them and I lost my nails and they grew back funny. She bought it. I wear bandaids all the time, to the point where people notice that I ALWAYS have a bandaid on. You can't hide your hands! I hate myself. I try to resist the urge, which is worse when I'm stressed, but I find myself in a trance-like state where I just can stop. It hurts soooo bad, but I keep on picking and tearing and bleeding. I think I need therapy, but I can't afford it. I'm happily married and I have 4 kids and a great life, but not a ton of extra money. I wish I could stop. My husband gets so annoyed with me. He's always telling me to stop picking my nails. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. I want to be normal so bad. I read a post that said something about something being wrong on the inside and I agree with that. I grew up with an alchoholic stepfather and a co-dependent mother. To use one word to sum up my childhood it would be "scary." That's probably where this all started. I have a lot of self-loathing that I don't know what to do with. Well, that's a lot for a first post, but It feels good, almost like a confessional. I welcome thoughts and suggestions.