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linds , 08 Nov 2011

how about we throw this disorder in the trash can?

hey guys, super glad i came accross a forum for this topic because like all of you, it has been tormenting me for too long. im 19 years old, going on 20 and this is supposed to be the best time in my life, where i start to find myself and all that jazz... dermotillomania really screws with that doesnt it? It amazing how much damage it has on my self esteem.. less about the after effects of popping/picking, but more so just feeling like ive failed, like i wasnt strong enough to fight the urge. Its almost like a smoking addiction ive decided, its a stress release and a cause of stress at the same time. The part that bothers me the most is how amazing I feel on the days that I dont pick or touch my skin, I feel free and self confident. This never lasts though, as soon as I start doing well, there I am back at square one again. My biggest problem is my breats.. its awful because theyre actually quite nice and i happen to like them, but i ruin them all the time since i discovered how fun it is to pop the pores on them. I have a boyfriend and I wont let him see or touch them when I mess with them, its a vicious cycle. I see one imperfection or a pore that I know will be especially rewarding to pop and bam..I can't stop. I get sucked into this weird state of being where my mind is telling me "stop doing that youre going to immediately regret it when you look in the mirror" but my fingers wont listen. The days when I'm good and dont do damage are the days that I refrain from examining my skin.. its the examination that is the trigger. If i never looked at my breasts or arms or face up close, I would never feel compelled to pop. I do a little damage here and there on my face and arms but not nearly as bad.. on my face though, when i pop/pick and develop a scab I cant leave it alone. my fingers pick at it subconcsciously when Im stressed or driving or anytime really. Anyways, it feels good to vent about all this. I wanna kick this thing to the curb so it stops controlling my life and destroying my self esteem.. if anyone has any tips on how to stop it would really help. even stories about personal success or things you found to be particularily helpful.. thanks
3 Answers
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Ellen
November 13, 2011
I could really relate to your post because I pick at my breasts too. I am very ashamed to admit it, even on a site especially for skin pickers. Other than the fact that I have destroyed them, they are pretty nice and big, but, like you, I just like to see the sebum or whatever it is in there come out. Some pores have more in them than others, and each pore has a little tiny, thin hair growing out of it. Something is just compelling me to do "regular maintenance" on my breast pores by not letting too much sebum get blocked up in there, plus it is strangely rewarding to watch it pop out. This sounds so sick, even to me, but it's kind of like there is a knob somewhere in my body that is set on "self-destruct." And I hate to tell you this, but I am about ten years older than you, and the older you get, the longer it takes for your skin to heal. If you could stop now, you might still have a chance of not having permanent damage...A final note, just wondering, do you have any ambivalent feelings about sex and/or closeness & intimacy? Because I think part of me feels safer having scared breasts because I do not need to evaluate a man's level of trustworthiness because the decision about whether or not he is getting near the boobies has already been decided.
linds
November 13, 2011
hey ellen thanks for the reply. Although being able to relate to someone doesnt necessarily make this go away, it definitely helps me feel better in knowing I'm not alone. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit right?.. something like that.. Well I've made it to day 6 with limited to no popping, especially on my breasts. I'm just praying that this really is just an awful habit and not something deeper, because if it really does only take a month or so to break a habit, then hopefully I can get past this, or at least get it under control. Its amazing to see the improvement in that small amount of time. It has already done wonders on my self esteem and I have already let my boyfriend see them (in dim lighting of course, but baby steps i suppose). I know what you mean about being ashamed to admit it, even on here..they are such a beautiful, delicate part of our bodies that really should not be tampered with and I think thats a big reason why it makes me so ashamed to talk about. I have no problem admitting I pick at my face every now and then, but when it comes to my breasts, there is something very personal and embarassing about it. To answer your question, yes - I have intimacy issues. When my skin is good and I haven't messed with it, I'm pretty okay with sex, being naked and whatnot. But if I have ruined my skin, topless is out of the question. I feel so ashamed in myself that I can't even be naked around the one that I love, that it puts me out of the mood a lot of the time. Have you tried to quit at all? I'm really interested to hear a little more about your struggle with this.
linds
November 13, 2011
hey ellen thanks for the reply. Although being able to relate to someone doesnt necessarily make this go away, it definitely helps me feel better in knowing I'm not alone. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit right?.. something like that.. Well I've made it to day 6 with limited to no popping, especially on my breasts. I'm just praying that this really is just an awful habit and not something deeper, because if it really does only take a month or so to break a habit, then hopefully I can get past this, or at least get it under control. Its amazing to see the improvement in that small amount of time. It has already done wonders on my self esteem and I have already let my boyfriend see them (in dim lighting of course, but baby steps i suppose). I know what you mean about being ashamed to admit it, even on here..they are such a beautiful, delicate part of our bodies that really should not be tampered with and I think thats a big reason why it makes me so ashamed to talk about. I have no problem admitting I pick at my face every now and then, but when it comes to my breasts, there is something very personal and embarassing about it. To answer your question, yes - I have intimacy issues. When my skin is good and I haven't messed with it, I'm pretty okay with sex, being naked and whatnot. But if I have ruined my skin, topless is out of the question. I feel so ashamed in myself that I can't even be naked around the one that I love, that it puts me out of the mood a lot of the time. Have you tried to quit at all? I'm really interested to hear a little more about your struggle with this.

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