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peaceplease , 29 Nov 2011

School anxiety

I'm an adult University student... I find that the closer I get to the end of the term the less I can manage to get done due to other compulsive behaviours that are meant to help me avoid picking. I spend too much time checking and rechecking favourite forums online, eating, watching tv, trying to get the guts to start my school work. When I do look at my assignments or try to do the readings, my heart races and I feel hopeless. Then I feel the urge to pick so I return to the tv or internet. I'm getting very little-nothing done and I feel like a loser. I'd like to be able to say, "At least I'm not picking".. but in truth I am... Just not nearly what my mind wants me to right now.. WHICH is probably hugely contributing to the anxiety and fact that I have no way to properly regulate myself when the stress is high. UHG. Anyone else?
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erised
December 05, 2011
This is my first time reading this forum and your thread made me register for an account to post. I want to reply to you instead because I, too, am a student... a 19 going on 20 years old female at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. I am guilty of those repetitive behaviors as well, though I have never used them as a substitute for picking. But I do constantly check forums and websites. I feel like any person would hear that and say "who doesn't?" but I don't feel that it's in a lazy or simple procrastination way that could be attributed to other college students. It feels really compulsive. Like I'm hopeless for some reason so I can't stop looking for something to distract me from that hopelessness. I couldn't believe it when I read "trying to get the guts to start my school work" in your post. I think we have a similar problem. It's a problem I've faced since elementary school. I'm smart and capable but I have some sort of perfectionist, compulsive tendency that makes me not even be able to START assignments sometimes. Opening the backpack and getting a pencil was half the battle in high school. It's like I'm scared of something. Everyone else just writes the paper and gets a good grade even when it's not great. Me? I have such a high expectation of how great my paper could be that the idea of writing it paralyzes me. So I never write it. My paper could be better than theirs but I get a zero because of this hopeless, vicious cycle. I was in AP classes in high school but could not get anything done so I got bad grades. But even moving to a lower level class wouldn't help. I wouldn't get anything done no matter what :( Another issue I have is I stay up WAY too late *trying* and *wishing* to start homework and papers (4 or 5 am, even on school nights). And I still don't get anything done! I try and try and I waste all those precious hours needed for sleep, and the whole time it's like I'm PARALYZED. To escape the hopelessness, I turn to the internet. Like you said -- checking and rechecking. I get frustrated when my Facebook newsfeed comes to a standstill in terms of updates. By about 1 or 2 am, no one is awake to post on FB... so I turn elsewhere. I have a whole arsenal of pages to check and recheck. The refresh button is constantly used. When those pages stop giving me solace, I turn to blogs I haven't checked in awhile and read every post I've missed. It's honestly a desperate attempt to escape my misery. Sorry that this post is so long. I just needed to get that out there. I've never told anyone about my skin picking problem. I've talked to a few people about the schoolwork problem mentioned above, though. I can't believe we both have both problems. It is believable... but as I've seen a lot of posters here say... we tend to feel alone in our issues. I've been picking my skin for years. Sometimes I actually do it to avoid the academic or internet problem..... interestingly it's the other way around for you. It's probably all connected. Maybe I have OCD. I'm really trying to face this and trying to get the courage to see a counselor.
peaceplease
December 05, 2011
Wow. We really do have a lot in common! Its hard for me to get a real handle on my motivations, so honestly, I can't say if I check sites to avoid picking or pick to avoid work or checking sites... I think I feel like its all inappropriate so a part of me is trying not to do too much of any one habit. I don't get testy when I am away from my laptop for the day, or several days if I'm camping, so i don't think its an addiction. But it is wrapped up with anxiety and fear and picking. I'm so glad that you posted because I posted here days ago and could hardly believe I was the only one struggling in school during this stressful end of semester time! I can say that I have found a little success in the past few days. I've always know that I had anxiety and that this was a huge problem for starting my school work. I happened to have half of an ativan that was prescribed to me 5 years ago for sleep. I took it and was able to get a lot of work done, no picking and only what I consider average amount of checking websites. the pain of the experience disappeared almost completely. So, recognizing that I needed help to manage, I requested a script for more to get me through the end of ter, otherwise, I would have had to drop out-which I have done in other programs before, and each time it has been heartbreaking and personally, undermining! Yesterday I took 3 halves over the day. I ate well. I wrote a 12 page paper. This is my plan to get trhough the end of the term. Once school is over, i plan to meet with my new doctor (I had to switch for reasons of not being taken seriously because he thinks every issue is just me thinking about an issue or a pain too much) and talk about a longer term solution for anxiety. I have taken meds before, for OCD and none of them helped, but i hadn't ever tried anything that was specifically for anxiety. The meds I took were SSRI (luvox/fluvoxamin, celexa/citalopram) and antipsychotics (Seroquel/quetiapine). I've also tried other supposedly calming things like amytriptalin and gabapentin. Like I said, none of them made any difference and i took them at pretty high doses for years at a time. Being med free I feel better but I pick the same amount. I'm not completely convinced that I have OCD. I think that I have anxiety for sure, a habit, for sure, and I feel like I come by all of it pretty honestly. I was badly bullied. I witnessed sexual abuse. I was told rape stories before i could talk. I had trauma and transferred trauma (inter-generational sexual violence) in my childhood. My mother also picked at my skin and led me to believe that it was important to do.. that the bumps would never go away unless she picked me. Then for some reason she stopped and I continued the over grooming. I caused bad spaph infections because I didn't know how to clean my wounds. No one knew what was going on with my skin or why I was so prone to such a weird "rash". I'm a helpful person and I'm socially motivated. There is nothing better to me than having a great time with friends or helping someone else when they really need it. I am completely normal with others. Somehow though, if there is work to be done, or I am alone, or I get rejected, something breaks. i become some kind of Gollum-robot that spends hours and hours searching and picking and fixing my skin.. Until my picking scares me and I feel like I have done so much it will take forever to heal.. and while I feel less lonely (or whatever), I also feel so ashamed, I feel like hiding, I feel like I have to shut the memory out so that I can get on to being my social self again... And, that is exactly what I do. However, wtf am I supposed to wear when all but my face is red and swollen? Anyway, I know I wrote too much. I meant to just respond but then my thoughts felt pretty clear and it was good to get it out. I have seen a lot of counsellors in my life. Currently I have access to a great one for free, but I have stopped going because the anxiety i feel leading up to the appointment often leads to hours of picking, I am still working on the stuff we talked about. When I feel I need more, i will go back for sure. Thanks for reading if you get this far. I have to say this: The first time I went for help, I was your age. Now I am in my mid 30s. Its so hard to believe. Its a really tough nut to crack. I don't think its impossible but I do think that what it really takes to fully quite is so extreme that most don't try it. For instance, if someone were chained to me for 2 weeks, I would not pick. If I received a shock when I picked, I would be able to quit. Things like this are so hard to get but I fear that is all that would really work as much as I need it to. For now, I am focusing on the anxiety part of it, and that is helping a lot. best of luck to you! I'd like to hear if any of this other stuff made sense too... If you managed to read this far! :)
erised
December 06, 2011
"My mother also picked at my skin and led me to believe that it was important to do.. that the bumps would never go away unless she picked me." Wow... I can't believe this. Same thing for me! I often think about that but then just brush it off because I'm scared I'll blame her for my problem. But it happened. Way before I ever even thought to pick my mother did it to me and my sister. It was blackheads on my nose and it hurt so badly when she did it but she'd make it seem like they had to be removed, that it was normal, that it was helping me. One time her work resulted in a significant green zit on my nose that I otherwise would not have had at that young age. I had to endure the first day of the 4th grade with that thing and I still remember the experience to this day. It was embarrassing. Kids don't have much tact so a lot of them said stuff about my nose to me. Anyways, my mother eventually stopped (probably soon after that; she definitely didn't do it to me in middle school). But she had planted a seed in my mind, you know? Having her doing that all the time actually made me get up close to a mirror one day... "What are these things she's seeing? Should I be picking them too?" Thinking about it all now makes me wonder if she had/has the same problem. I don't see evidence of it on her own skin. And she actually is all over me during my flare-ups, telling me to stop, that I'm going to scar my face, etc... but she's never once said she understands or that she knows I can't control myself, nor have we ever spoken about all those years ago when she did it to me (which nowhere near as bad as what I do to myself). I hate thinking this because I wonder what it would be like if she didn't do that to me when I was young. But I have tons of compulsions and anxieties so on the other hand maybe me having this problem was inevitable even if she never laid a hand on my nose. Ugh, the details in this post are so gross. I'm ashamed to type them. I just have to believe that my mother must have a variation of the problem herself to do that to her children... but she has never mentioned it to me. I don't blame her. I have never talked about it with anyone. Never even to strangers like this. Thanks for your post -- I did read through the whole thing. I really appreciate your stories about counseling because I'm finally realizing that I REALLY need to see someone... about all of this, the skin picking, the anxiety about schoolwork... I even pull my split ends off my hair obsessively. I relate to this sentence of yours SO MUCH: "There is nothing better to me than having a great time with friends or helping someone else when they really need it. I am completely normal with others. Somehow though, if there is work to be done, or I am alone, or I get rejected, something breaks. i become some kind of Gollum-robot that spends hours and hours searching and picking and fixing my skin.. Until my picking scares me and I feel like I have done so much it will take forever to heal.. and while I feel less lonely (or whatever), I also feel so ashamed, I feel like hiding, I feel like I have to shut the memory out so that I can get on to being my social self again..." Thank you so much for replying. I'm so happy to hear from someone in such a similar boat. It's comforting to find out that these issues are so common.
peaceplease
December 06, 2011
Split ends pulling here to honey... Only now, I'm 34 and I get grays.. those obviously have to go.. or do I just need a closer look? Well, lets pull on to see... oh.. Oh look! Another one of those bastards".. and on it goes. We are twins! LOL Because there are some similarities I have to ask... trauma growing up? because to me, I might have ocd, but I really think I had a bad enough time that all of this is a direct and natural reaction to the worries I had growing up. Similar to OCD, but a little more twisty. Know what I mean?
erised
December 07, 2011
Honestly: no trauma like yours for me. Which makes me wonder what I was so stressed out about when I was picking in middle school. I can see the stressors in my life now but what was going on back then? I guess it was just my issues with schoolwork and enduring how terrible peers can be in school (I was bullied a little). I'm thinking it must just be that anxiety for me and maybe some OCD -- nobody's fault. When I was very young (maybe like 3 years old?) I constantly pulled my hair out of my head. My mother had me start wearing gloves to bed and I guess that "cured" me because it didn't continue. I barely remember it but my hair is very thin today (which bothers me) and apparently that is why. Unfortunately, in 10th grade (which was a bad year schoolwork wise) I became obsessed with getting the split ends. At my worst, I would do it in class and people would notice. People can be really... mean. Many don't understand that we can't help it so they just see it as annoying or gross. Luckily I do it much less these days. It still sucks, but I'm really thankful that I don't pull whole hairs out like when I was 3. That must be such a difficult thing to live with as an adult :( Until now I've never connected either compulsive hair behavior of mine to picking... but I'm finally Google searching (finding this forum!) and I see that these problems are related. What's more, they have names! Trichotillomania and dermatillomania! I'm still wrapping my head around discovering that these issues are so common. Anyways, I was never abused. The only trauma I could claim would be mild psychological trauma from the fact that my parents don't love (or like) each other at all but are still together. Like, my dad is pretty mean and cold and I've never heard him say my mother's name (he calls her "the people," "you people," or "The Mother")... weird shit like that yet they still live together. His anger is mostly expressed at her but he's also been pretty awful to me and my 3 siblings at times. He never hit us but I was definitely afraid of him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's a poor parental relationship to have as one's model, you know? That's the relationship children know the most growing up. Other people have parents that love each other or parents that simply get divorced... mine hate each other but they never split up so we all just have to live with it everyday. It's hard to see my mom so miserable. She's the sane one of the two, if you ask me. I can see why she doesn't like him but not vice versa. I know that they were very much in love at one point. They've known each other since high school and have been married for over 30 years. Problem is, I'm the youngest child so I never got to see any of the good times. But I don't want to call that trauma *shrug* I don't want to force that to be a cause when people have much worse lives than me. I just have a weird family life and maybe that made me stressed out as a kid? Or maybe it's just genetics? I'm so sorry that you had a much harder time growing up, truly I am :( I feel like that would most definitely contribute to it! It seems so obvious to me now that it's about anxiety for us. Even though I haven't completely beat picking, I'm a lot better today (as I talked about in my "significant other" thread) than I have been in years past, and it's almost... comforting?... to know that it's made worse by anxiety. It gives me hope that we can get better. I wish so badly for you to get better, peaceplease. We deserve it.
peaceplease
December 08, 2011
I just found this! http://visitsteve.com/made/selfcontrol/ Also, my experience of abuse I used to really think was minor until I learned how transferance works. I do think that my anxiety is a direct response to the way my life was growing up. I don't exoect you or anyone to blame their parents or see things my way. but I will say that children who grow i=up with parents who hate each other but stay together have clinically significant effects on wellbeing later in life. studies show that kids with parents like yours who break up, are much better off mentally and emotionally than ones who stay together.... Especially when the kids are well aware of what is going on. And its even worse when its not just coldness but actual emotional abuse such as never using your mothers name. You witnessed abuse. plain and simple. Sorry to say it. I say it only because if I had understood that at your age, I might have figured more out by now... take care.
erised
December 11, 2011
Hey, sorry for disappearing for a week! I've heard of that thing you linked... one of my friends has mentioned that she uses it. I'm too scared to. I don't like the idea that you can't turn it off once it's on! Plus, I don't think that will help me. It's not just the internet that I distract myself with. Sometimes, when I can't do school work, I'll just sit there. Or pick. Or watch TV. Also, I have internet on my phone. Wish there was a blocker for all that, hahaha ;) Anywho -- update: I continued to do really well with not picking. I feel really good about that. I have had it in my mind that picking is just not an option anymore. Sadly, last night I broke down and did it for a little while... but not too bad. Didn't destroy my progress much. It was a moment of weakness that could have been worse and I will try to not let it happen again. I totally agree that my parents' situation has affected me. I don't deny that it has fucked me up. And I have heard that it's worse when people who should get divorced don't get divorced. What I was saying was I didn't want to just sound like I was complaining, you know? I don't want to be like IT'S ALL MY MOM'S FAULT or ALL MY DAD'S FAULT. But I'm still really glad you said that because while I agree with you I often put it out of sight, out of mind. I've been avoiding the fact that I have huge anxiety and that's really bad! I want you to know... I called UMass's Center for Counseling and Psychological Help on Thursday! It was a big deal. It took a lot for me to do that. They set me up with a phone interview for clinical screening purposes that afternoon. I got the call in my dorm room and spoke with a man. He asked me some questions and I got to tell him why I was seeking help. It was REALLY tough and I was frantically pacing around my room the whole time. I choked up more than once during the conversation. It's the very end of the semester (I leave for home on the 14th!!!) so I don't think I would have been able to book a routine appointment, but the guy considered my case "urgent." I'm happy to report that I met with him Friday morning. I was SO nervous but it went really, really well. What a relief to be able to talk about all this stuff! I described the problem I've had with school for years and we went through every member of my family and ended up talking a lot about my parents, so clearly that is a big source of my problems. Relating back to what I said earlier in the post about not wanting to seem like I was complaining -- that came up a lot in our talk. That I've always avoided drawing attention to my issues, since I see so I know there are so many other stressors for my family. One of the reasons I've avoided counseling is because I get it in my head that my problems are too small, that other people have it MUCH WORSE than me so it's foolish for me to say anything. This guy had a great line in response: "Have you ever seen figure skating in the Olympics? With the judges holding up those cards? "10," "9," "8"? Yeah... we don't give style points for pain here." The appointment flew by and he expressed that he thought it would be beneficial to talk to me again before I left and I certainly agreed. So I have another appointment on Monday since we didn't get to talk about my academic situation in complete detail. This is SO relieving. I felt really, really good. I'm still struggling with my end of semester work, and I'm still freaking out in general, but I'm SO proud of myself for finally seeing a therapist. I must say that I haven't been able to tell him about picking or my hair pulling. I didn't mention it on the phone and it didn't come up in the appointment because we were talking about my family so much. I hope to somehow slip it in to the conversation on Monday. Thanks, once again, for your support, peaceplease. I hope you read this and I hope that you are doing well! I really appreciate the role that this forum had in me finally getting some help! <3
peaceplease
December 13, 2011
Heya, tell you what... I'd like to be in contact with you more but I don't check here often enough because sometimes its a bit triggering. If you feel like talking in fb, we can do that! otherwise, we'll just have to be patient here. I loved that you are interested in not blaming others for issues. After reading your thoughts on that, I did a lot of thinking. I think its possible that I have blamed too much in some ways, not enough in others. I understand the science behind attachment theory and how this extends into behaviour and anxiety later in life. Its because of this that I feel like I am not actually blaming, but finding reasons "why". I feel like I probably had some predisposition to anxiety due to a lot of things. I also feel like if I had been in a home that included consistency, nurturing, and interest in my well being I could have been helped a lot, and maybe not ended up with so much to deal with. When I was little I had a difficult time regulating my emotions. I know that because I can remember the hours and hours of crying on my bedroom floor, yelling out that I felt unloved, or even hated by my mom. In return she would try anything to make me stop, including, locking me outside (at night, in PJs, (not even school aged), throw cold water on me, create more distance by putting me out of her sight, etc. My earliest memories are of thinking she couldn't possibly be my mother, and being scared of her. I beleive that if she had been more able to help me with comforting myself, and if she had not done these things, and picked at my skin.. I might still be insecure, but I don't think it would be to the proportion that it is. Most of the trauma I suffered was things like I listed above... just a real lack of compassion or physical comforting. Add to that the fact that my mom used me as a confident about her own experiences of sexualized violence and incest in her family, and I grew up to be pretty afraid of a lot of normal parts in life. I do have a family history of mood disorders and abuse, and I think that trauma and self regulation issues go hand in hand. its not even my opinion, its stuff that I have studied at length. I work with people and am finishing a degree in social work. The reason I think it might be good for us to be in contact more is because you are the age that I was, when I first realized it was a problem I couldn't fix on my own. Since then, I have tried a kabillion things, and some of them might make a difference for you to know about. Currently, i am doing really well, despite the anxiety. I am barely picking compared to a little while ago. Its been over a week since I spent hours at it. I had to get really angry with this problem and I've been mustering my strength, talking about it a lot and asking for help. This all takes a lot of guts, but it also takes knowing what you are feeling and being able to tell someone in the moment. Going to bed at the same time as my husband means I can't stay up and pick. So he knows that is a risk factor and encourages me to go with him. I have been saying when I am having a hard time, and acknowledging when I get stuck picking. I hope that you will keep in touch and maybe we can help each other find more success. I really do think that you are a mature person for your age (as I was often told too). I don't think that people can really do this on their own, nor do I think there is any reason to. Hope you are doing well today. I have one more damn paper to write for the term and then its holiday time. dancing, parties, a trip to Vancouver to see Prince in Concert. That will be very good for me! Plus, I plan to buy a sweet little cocktail dress, since my skin is looking so fab anyway. Might as well celebrate-but! I gotta be careful to not look at it too mcuh, because I know I will find something. Always do! Cheers to you. Let me know about the fb thing.. we can figure it out :)
kinggypsy
December 16, 2011
i had to register for an account IMMEDIATELY after reading this post. this is me. to the letter. it was BUGGING ME OUT how much in common we had as far as the cycle of wanting to start work and the anxiety behind it and the way the internet plays into it. that feeling of hopelessness and loneliness and anxiety... overwhelming. i'm a student at Temple University, 21 years old. my mom (and i can attest to her theory) thinks that her side of the family (and many minority families throughout the country, though i cannot vouch for them) has severe processed food allergies and that the chemicals in processed foods are toxic and have adverse effects on the body especially dealing with mental health and overall well-being. i am trying to correct my diet and eat ONLY brown rice, vegetables, meat, fish, low-sodium, iron, high fiber... etc. no white bread, white sugar, or dairy of any kind. if you want to try cutting processed foods out of your diet and reply back and see if it has an effect on your picking, reply back and let me know!! best of luck to all.
peaceplease
December 19, 2011
Hi Kinggyypsy! thanks for your response! I actually did 4 months of a restricted diet for digestive reasons. No carb foods, (no sugar, no alcohol, no crackers, breads, grains, potatoes, and the only fruit I had was sour berries). I ate only good fats, veggies and protein from fish, veg, or dairy. I felt super strong physically, and I lost every extra pound I might have had. But, it didn't impact my picking, other than to say that the hours of food prep was something to keep me busy. I agree that too much of our food is processed, and that it is unhealthy to eat things that come in a box or can. But, I have done this experiment, so I know for myself it isn't a factor, for me anyway. Like I was trying to explain in my last post here, I think its tempting to think of things that we can try to do to change our behaviour, or find a cause, but the truth may end up being that it is an extremely deep pattern of behaviour. it likely is a mix of OCD, addiction, anxiety, and perhaps a bit of trauma. This combo makes it an extremely complex and difficult thing to change. We need to use every tool that we have at all times, and then be careful not to be too hard on ourselves when we slip. I have been a smoker in my life and can tell you that quitting smoking for a few weeks is 1/10 as hard as quitting picking (for me). I have never been able to make it weeks at a time without picking and I've been at it my whole damn life! What I'm trying to say is, the chances of finding ONE magic bullet like diet, or gloves, or reminders or exercise or whatever most recent realization one of us has had is good, but not a cure. its good to be hopeful, but try to remember that sometimes "Hope" is the little brother of denial! We need more than a change in diet. We need to look at the issue "globally" and holistically so that we can hit it with everything we've got all at once. AND, I firmly believe that we need the support of others to make it through to the other side. I wish you the very best, and think it is a great idea to treat yourself to some great dietary care! Try to use any other tools you have at the same time though,m and it could make a difference! Cheers!

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