Cant Remember Control

I'm so angry. I'm so tired. I hate this. I feel like a drug addict who's living in a meth lab. I cant touch my own skin without feeling bumps and feeling like my arms suddenly wont obey my commands anymore. I hate that even when I don't pick, scratch or scrub, when I do everything I'm supposed to and things still only get worse. Those vile bumps keep coming no matter what I do. Like a soldier in battle I know I cant win, so I want to take as many down with me as I can. Its been years since I realized its a problem, one since I've started to gain 'control' over it. Yet I find the more I gain the more I feel like I'm losing. I find I look back and I cant remember what control feels like. Yet I remember the first pimple I ever popped. Control is an illusion. Every time I think have things figured out, that I'm on my way to a better place it slips through my grasp once again. I developed a rash on my neck this week and I have to clean it by hand because a washcloth just irritates it. The redness shows all the ridges in my skin, all the old scars and all the white, just-under-the-skin bumps that I could get at if I tried. When I clean it I feel every one under my finger tips, I feel the rigidity of the skin from the rash that feels like it could just come off. If I didn't know better I'd swear astringent was on my neck 24/7, yet this pain doesn't make me feel better like picking does. Of all the health problems I could have, it has to affect the skin? Now I cant use the proactive until the rash is gone, and my face - which was just clearing up - is going to come back. I wont be able to wash it in blistering hot water like I usually do to stop from picking (or to cover up from picking) because the hot water makes the rash flair up. I want to smash something. I want to cry. I want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. I'm tired of being afraid of my own fingers. Tired.