My Journey to Recovery

Congratulations on attending your course make up free! U should be very proud. I'm at work now make up less and it's still tough but maybe a little easier than yesterday as most people I work with have already seen the mess on my face. It doesn't look much better today even though the scab is smaller but the area around it is still very red and it feels sore. We really need to just keep fighting the urge to pick and our skin will definitely heal itself because that is what it's designed to do. Keep staying strong.

Day 7: I went through a bit of a rough patch yesterday. I woke up around 4am and was drawn to the bathroom mirror. At that time, I ended up picking the scabs off my right eyebrow, but left the left one alone. That was until yesterday evening. I was quite disappointed that I didn't wait until Friday to let the scabs fall off mostly on their own. The only good news I have is that when I did pick the scabs off, most of the healing underneath was done. As of right now my eyes have started scabbing up again in a few spots, but the scabs are not overly noticeable except for one that dried dark red. I hate when that happens because those scabs are a lot more noticeable. I also plucked after I had picked. Thankfully I didn't get any ingrown hairs because sometimes I am not careful enough grabbing the individual hairs, and at other times I try to pluck hairs that are barely through the skin. This causes them to become infected and is usually followed by picking. I have come to the conclusion that I probably won't be able to give up plucking until my eyebrows have healed. I have just learned that I shouldn't pluck everyday because this irritates my skin too much. Maybe every 4 days or so would be good because my eyebrow hairs are so course and dark. All I know is I won't be plucking or picking until these final scabs are ready to come off. It's funny, but the red pimple I have beside my nose is bothering me more than my eyes! I don't get acne anymore, but I'm pretty sure I know what caused the huge blemish I have. That area of skin was fairly dry not long ago and I remember using my fingers the scratch it skin off. I think I just clogged a pore so that's my own fault. I know my skin might not be perfect on Saturday, but I know that I am close to the final stages of healing, so I will be going out to the cabin for my brother's birthday and I will be seeing my boyfriend. I just hope that by Sunday night that the few scabs I do have will be ready to come off. I want to feel pretty when I go to my management class on Monday because no one there has seen me when my eye area is clear. I still remember that lady in my class asking me what happened to my eye. When I see her next I want the mess that was there before to be something of the past!

I believe this is day 13 of my journey. I have been feeling really guilty lately for not posting any updates so here it is... I have not had a full relapse, but I have most definitely had half of one. One of my eyebrow areas looks okay, but is still a little dry, and the other I made a complete mistake with. :S I decided it was a good idea to pluck and then mow the lawn with sunglasses on... Combined with a hot day comes sweating and it irritated the heck out of my skin. I don't think I can begin to describe how many spots I had under my eye the next day. Since that day I have been picking at the mess that was made, but I gave up picking it yesterday at 3pm (precise I know!). I wasn't expecting to see my boyfriend yesterday, but since he just started a new job, they want him to work out of town for 20 days. I have a feeling he'll be working 3 weeks out 1 week in for awhile, so that'll be a little rough. Knowing I won't see him until the 27th I let him know that my face was a bit of a mess and that I was a little embarrassed. Of course he told me to stop because he knows how upset it makes me. Anyways, I told him I would come over on one condition and that was that he took all of my tweezers away. Long story short I left my tweezers there. :( I know I shouldn't be so upset about that, but as of right now I still have 2 important plans this week. Tomorrow I have to get the tattoo I got done in March touched up, and Saturday, when I feel my skin will be at it's driest, I have to bartend at a small club. I usually pick off the dry spots (which I know isn't good), but I just wish I could make my skin look a little less dry for the rest of the week. It's only been 31 hours and I can already see the spots that are flaking a bit. I'm currently not working, but I have evening classes every monday and wednesday so I can knock off one of my nursing electives this summer. I have a feeling I will be missing my classes next week because I need at least a week to myself to let this heal! I never get a week where I don't have to go out so this is rare for me. And guess what?! No tweezers = no plucking. That is the root of my problem because I cause irritation to my skin. I am going out of town on the 22nd for an event I can't really wear makeup for, so I am praying I can clear up my face enough to go and get my eyebrows waxed on the 20th. I know this whole post is full of rambling, but these are the thoughts I'm having. This is the only place I can get everything out and I know the average person would think that I'm crazy, insane even. When I read my posts over I can't believe what I'm writing myself. How can I have such a ridiculous problem that has taken me this long to try to get a hold of? I am ashamed of dermatillomania because this is not a disease (and I do believe it is one) that I can explain the anyone. I keep all of this bottled up and it's got to stop here and now. The moment something affects the things you do in your life is the moment it becomes a serious problem.

It's day 15 and I'm doing okay. I woke up in the middle of the night however to find pieces of one of my scabs (under one eyebrow) falling off. Yes, I made the mistake of helping the scab along by picking it off, but it all came off easily with new skin underneath. I don't think the skin will scab over again. There was one spot that looked like a really small whitehead with some redness around it underneath one of the scabs, but it's not an open wound and will heal quite fast I think. The only thing that bugs me about that eye right now is a spot that's a little red, but isn't too sore, and is like a hard ball under my skin that isn't very visible. I don't know what it is, but I get them sometimes and they jut go away on their own. What I think is really going to help me is that I can't pluck the hairs I see because I don't have my tweezers. I have a feeling I will be able to go in and get my eyebrows waxed by June 20th. The skin under my other eyebrow is still drying up nicely, but there is one spot right along my eyebrow line that is starting to show visible signs of peeling. I just hope I can leave it alone until Saturday night because after that I won't care so much as I don't have to see anyone all week. It is extremely hard for me to allow a whole bunch of course dark hairs (that are growing straight up like stubble) to grow, but I want to get to the point where they all grow in at roughly the same time so I can get a waxing routine started. I am a little worried about waxing due to the fact I've picked my eyebrow area for years. I don't think anything is wrong with the integrity of my skin, but I won't get them waxed unless I am 100% positive the skin is completely healed. If I go in and they think threading would be better for my eyebrows, I will do that instead. I just don't want my skin to be pulled off with the wax. It sounds horrible, but it happens to people who are on accutane or retin A and such... Anyways, I will continue posting about my progress and I have my fingers crossed that everything will be healed in a weeks time. :)

Today is day 16 and I'm beginning to feel good about the future. I didn't pick yesterday because the tattoo touch up appointment I was supposed to have on Thursday got pushed back to yesterday. I didn't want to wear makeup to my appointment so I was very careful not to touch anything. I was also pretty proud of myself because I haven't seen a lot of my friends from school lately and last night I got up the courage to go to a birthday barbecue for 2 friends of mine. There was a lot of people there, but while I was there I remembered everyone loves me for me and that none of my friends have ever judged me. I feel I will be able to bartend with some confidence tonight, although I'm going to wear minimal makeup. I know my scabs aren't too visible now, but I have a feeling makeup will just bring out the dryness. I keep reminding myself that I can have the whole week by myself to heal if I can just get through tonight. I haven't picked under my one eyebrow for 90 hours, and the other for 30 hours. The one that I haven't picked for 30 hours has scabs that are barely visible though because when I picked them off they were ready. What bothers me more than ANYTHING right now is looking at all of the little black hairs popping up. I have never gone without plucking, but I am trying to remind myself that if I let them grow out I can get them all waxed off at once. I want them to all grow in at the same time instead of popping up sporadically so that they are easier to wax. I think getting most of the hairs to grow in at the same time would help significantly! I will get through tonight and I will succeed this week. I will be the happiest person in the world if I can show off a perfect complexion to my boyfriend when he comes home on the 27th. He knows how much this bothers me and I know he wants me to stop, but I don't think he knows how much effort I'm putting in to getting through this issue right now. I did give him my tweezers before he left though so I suppose that shows some initiative. :P