Relapsed

I totally know where you are coming from girl! I'm the same way about needing to put band-aids all over my barefeet and about chainsmoking cigarettes. To keep myself from biting or pinching my lips all the time I obsessively dangle my shoes and/or slide my bare feet in and out of my shoes under my desk, just so I can get the sensation of the leather rubbing up against the bare skin on my feet. For me it got bad in the mid 90s when I was a teenager and suddenly it was no longer cool for girls to wear socks with shoes. Since then Ive pretty much always worn shoes without socks, or high heels without pantyhose, so I can touch and rub the bare skin on my feet during the day. But when I am trying to tamp down those urges I get to where Im taking out nervous energy by rubbing the bare skin on the backs of my heels against my shoes all day long until they are raw and blistered. Ive been having to wear bandaids all over my bare feet almost every day for years now. Like I think I wore bandaids to cover the blisters on my bare heels with moccasin shoes without socks when I was like fourteen or so and my band aid addiction has only gotten worse since then. Probably the only thing worse than my bandaid addiction is my cigarette addiction. I mean I remember sneaking cigarettes when I was about 9 years old, but I got to where I was smoking cigarettes every day when I was 12. By the time I was 16 I swear I was smoking at least two packs a day while wearing chunky heeled doc martens barefoot with band aids all over my feet. I should have guessed there was an issue then, but it never occured to me until years and years later. I think by the time I was off to college I was getting to where it was pretty normal for me to smoke three packs a day obsessively, and to be very defensive about my chain-smoking. The other thing that happened was that I got into absolutely loving high heels and having compulsive shopping problems leading to alot of credit card debt from buying so many high heels. The look on a shoe store salesmans face when I would pull out my blistered, bandaid covered bare feet to try on expensive high heels was hystarical, but it never phased me. The other thing that happend around then was I got to be extremely obsessive about hating to have visible panty lines, just hating ever seeing them at all. It got so out of hand that after trying to cut the seam lines on panties with scissors and trying increasingly uncomfortable thongs, I just got to where I couldnt bring myself to hardly ever wear panties, or even try on underwear because I hated the thought of seeing my pantyline through a dress or skirt or pants. I've tried counseling and wellbutrin medication prescribed by my doctor for depression related symptoms, and it has helped some, but it doesnt seem to change with the fact that I still chainsmoke two to three packs a day, still never wear panties, still never wear socks or hose, and still have my bare feet covered in bandaids to protect them from the blisters I rub all over them with my shoes and high heels. Best of luck for you getting back on the wagon!