Emotionally draining. Picked today.

Picking not only hurts my skin, and my appearance, but it also hurts me on the inside. The shame, disappointment, and tears. It's all emotionally draining. I woke up today and went in the kitchen to get some water, and the blinds over the sink were open, and I had the urge to pick. I picked my shoulder about 4 times. It's better than doing 60 like I used to, but I'd rather of done none. My boyfriend likes to have my problem out in the open, and at the end of our days he asks me how many times I've picked today. It's difficult because I realize that I'm in denial about this. I mean, I realize I do it, but something about actually saying "10 picks" or "20 picks" makes me cringe and makes me even more embarrassed and ashamed. But I have to meet this before I can move past it.. So I just started crying today. I don't want to do this. But it's also like "What will I do without it? What will I do without Dermatillomania?" It's a sick question, and a stupid question. But like a lot of addictions and compulsions, there is some pleasure to it. It's a love/hate problem. I'm just glad I can come here and talk about it without thinking twice about if I'm going to gross someone out or not. Or get weird looks, or have someone scoff at me. Thanks for listening everyone. Much love, Samantha