this time it will be different

was it a relief to read that this is a condition that other people have too or was it a reality check for me? picking on my face and pulling with twizzers. awfull isn't it? but why does it feel so hard to resist? cann't explain it to myself, too ashamed to share with others, too proud to admit i am really really struggling with it. i am self distructive - of course. i was addicted to drugs, food, and i recovered 6 years ago through a 12-step program that supports me and has given me so much. what's up with this skin thing? i even quit cigarettes 4 months ago. but picking goes on and off for years. i am 30 now and i remember doing it since i was 14. i go to the mirror and i say to myself "just that little one" and then i can stay there for hours harming my face allover. i see a pipmle and i know that it is a bad idea. but i think "maybe this time it will be different" well it never is. once again it was the wrong choice to pick. and then the viscious cycle of picking. and everything else around me is ruined. i am not in a mood for anything. i want to turn back time and not do it but it is not possible, and then in a crisis of honesty i think - even if i could turn back time, would i be able to say no and just leave? probably not. i am a beatiful girl but i feel so ugly when i do this. i go into this situation of self pitty once i observe my skin. i look at photos when i was 12 and think what my face would look like if i hadn't harmed it sll of these years. i am intelligent and smart but i feel so, so stupid when i do this. i am loving and kind hearted but at night when my lovely boyfriend is at bed i have to really make an effort to leave the bathroom mirror and not feel angry at him that he is in the room probably knowing what i am doing... i think to myself maybe i need to go to therapy but then i feel so irritated that "my will power does not work" and i change my mind, i say i will stop it with my own strengths. but again it is not different. i keep doing it. some weeks are terrible. this one has been too much and fed up is an understatement. i decided to share, and just see how it goes with a higher state of awareness. peace and love to everybody keira