My Story

My name is Brittany, im 20 years old and I suffer from OCD and CSP (Dermatillomania). Ive had the OCD issue since i was about 10 from what i can remember. My mother was abused by her mother,and she was molested and beaten by her step father. My mother never recovered from this. She grew up being a bitter, hateful, miserable, and nasty person. My parents divorced shortly after my 1 year old birthday. My mom cheated on my dad multiple times, never took care of me, was out partying instead of being the mother I needed. My dad worked full time, holding down two jobs paying for everything to support me and her. I grew up with split custody so i was back and fourth between my mom and my dads house. I remember screaming and crying when my dad by law had to drop me off at my mothers. He tried to get full custody but my mother would never let him. For years she abused me. She would hit me across the face, wake me up in the middle of the night screaming at me and make me stand in the corner for hours till i almost passed out. i remember being only 7 and she shoved my face into the wall giving me a bloody nose, i remember waking up to her suffocating me with my pillow in the middle of the night. she was horrible to me, called me worthless and said that i should have never been born. Now i know there are people in the world who have had much worse lives then me, and i have the deepest sympathies for them. The torture of my mother continued all throughout my childhood and teenage years and still continues. My dad has always been there for me and i thank god everyday for that, that i had at least one parent I could trust and depend on. my dad knows all the horrible things my mom has done to me and tried to get me away from it for years. I started picking when i was about 13 or 14. it really is a feeling of relief while your doing it, until you see the aftermath and cant believe what you've done to yourself. with my fingers covered in blood and bloody tissues all over and tweezers covered in blood. I feel disgusted ashamed, embarrassed, upset, i feel terrible. and then i sit home for weeks not leaving my house because i look so bad i dont even want to see my own refelction. ive done alot of research on this disoerder, and the cause of my issues stems from my mom. All the years of abuse i felt with her i know have led me to do this to myself. and i hate it. its like even though ive moved out her house and stay with my dad i still let the damage of everything shes done to me effect me and take control over my entire life. and for some sick reason, i still feel bad when she calls and i dont want to answer but for some sick reason i feel bad i ignore her. after everything she did to me and my dad. after everything she put me through choking me strangling me, pulling my hair since i can remember, i still feel bad for her because i know what she went through and i know she is a damaged person. but now I have become that damaged person and i would never harm people like she does, i put my damage elsewhere, i put all the pain into picking at my skin. my mom feels better about herself when shes breaks down everyone around her. which disgusts me. I feel better when i tare apart my own skin. i keep picking and then think, okay ill let it heal and itll go away and thats it. but somehow i wind up back infront of that mirror starting the process all over again. My dad says "mind over matter" and that only I can control it, but he doesn't understand how hard it is. I really do hope one day i can overcome this. i used to be pretty. I used to be beautiful and now im just disgusting and ugly from what ive done to myself. I learned how to heal the wounds quicker and take care of them once ive created them, but now i need to focus on how to prevent myself from ever making them in the first place. I really want to end this, i really want everyone who has this disorder to end it. It breaks my heart to see so many people going through the exact same thing as me. I wish the best of luck to all you and I really hope one day I can overcome this myself.