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Scratching, squeezing pores and hair follicles
Three years ago i developed what I now know is a compulsive disorder.
I always had a small rash dry patch on my neck.
I moved out of home. I was lonely. I started drinking every night. I was in desperate search for a companion. I started feeling terrible about myself because I was so alone. My friend caused me a lot of stress as she heaped her problems onto me all the time. And relied on me to rescue her all the time. I dumped all my friends.
At first I thought it was an allergic reaction. I thought I had eczema again as I did when i was a child. I scratched my neck to the point it was so red and scaly i couldnt move it. it spread to other parts of my body. my entire skin was welted, peeling, i had open wounds the size of 50cent coin. every night i struggled to sleep. i had cold showers at 3 am in the mornings when it got really bad. I cried a lot. I wanted to slice all my skin off with a knife to relieve the itching. I tried changing my diet, eating only organic food. I stopped drinking for a year. Then for 6 months I stopped scratching. I thought I was cured.
I met a new boyfriend a year ago. It seems that being in a relationship is even more stressful than not being in one. I started scratching again.
Although its not as bad as it used to be, every day i scratch myself. I spend hours every day scratching and scratching. Everywhere. My daily activities are always delayed as im always scratching away at my skin. When im very stressed, tired or hungry i scratch the most. I started getting acrylic nails - so it was harder to damage or pick scabs. Its worked really well. When they fall off or i don't have time to do them i tear my skin apart within a day. This however hasn't stopped the compulsion. Whenever my partner tells me to stop i just scratch even more. I spend so much time squeezing at my pores on my face, squeezing the pores on my plucked eyebrows and shaved pubic region. I get a sense of satisfaction when a hair or blackhead comes out.
I feel like my friends think im a freak or on drugs. Im embarrassed to be in public. Sometimes im subconsciously scratching and so unaware until i realise someone has seen me in public with my hand down my pants to scratch my leg.
Im so glad im not alone. I still cry often, but I feel like an idiot because theres people with illnesses that cause them much pain or even death and im crying over something i do to myself. I realised I had a compulsion- not a skin disorder when my partner pointed it out while we were watching that show on TV - My strange addiction. I realised I was one of those people.
I need help.
Thank you for reading.
I've suffered inside for so long this feels amazing to just share what I've been through with people who understand.
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