New here. Just wanted to share my story

For as long as I can remember I have been tearing the skin around my fingers away. Lately it has been getting worse and worse. I never imagined I had a real problem, people would say 'just stop doing it' or 'doesnt that hurt why don't you quit' and as much as I wanted to stop I just can't. I blamed myself.. whats wrong with me. Why do I have to be different then everyone one else and do this horrible thing to myself. I'm so ashamed for people to look at my hands and fingers. They get that worried look in there eyes and I know its because of what I'm doing to myself. Then I found out I have dermatillomania... I found that I am not alone... It started from as far back as I can remember. I had a very troubled childhood and would always pick the skin on my fingers and toes. My family assumed I would grow out of it. And sadly they were wrong. It only continued to get worse. I tried various things in the past like wearing gloves, lotions, bandaids, trimming my finger nails, ect... to no avail. Most of the time when I pick I don't realize I'm doing it until it starts to bleed. My fingers look like raw hamburger meat, and its even more noticeable when my hands get wet and pruney. Its like this feeling I can't control when I try to not pick, my heart races, my hands twitch and I can't focus on anything else until I give in to it. I hate standing up after a long picking session and being covered in tiny flakes of skin. Its disgusting, but I crave it. I love the feeling of the skin peeling off my fingers it like a rush of instant gratification. Almost a pleasurable feeling if you will. I'm so ashamed... I just want to be normal.. and I hate to say this but I wish I don't have to stop. Its almost become a part of me. And if I didn't have that good feeling I get out of it.. then what would I have in its place? I know its wrong. And I hate it. But I love it.