Scared to Admit

For the first time in 15 years, I am admitting that I am completely obsessed with picking my skin. I have never admitted out loud or to myself of this sick obsession I have and may never do anything about it because I need it. Picking and one other lifetime habit I should have grown out of are my coping mechanisms for my anxiety and stress. They have gotten me through stressful situations and prevented panic attacks. Why should I stop then? Isn't it better than abusing drugs or alcohol? Please know that I am a very happy, humorous, outgoing person living a successful life. I am grateful of the wonderful life my parents created for me and I strive to have a positive outlook on life. So many people have lived a life I could never imagine. Thankfully, nobody knows the extent of my picking, other childhood habit, or my anxiety, even my boyfriend that I have lived with for 3 years and dated for 7 years. He is aware and upset that I pick my ENTIRE body but I manage to hide or prevent him from knowing because his interrupting only heightens my anxiety. I lock the bathroom door, tip toe around during the day, and even slip out of bed sometimes just to pick without any interruption. Once I start, I have a routine that I cannot mentally handle being stopped. I have never suffered from acne just a few blemishes during my time of the month or blackheads. My major issue is that I have keratosis pilaris all over my arms, shoulder blades, inside and outside thighs, and a few on my calves and cheekbones. I am glad that I have unintentionally discovered this site. I wonder if anyone out there suffers from the same mental quirks I practice or think before, during, and after I pick. I'm sure, like myself, others think about pick all day. Especially if you can "feel" a pimple on your face. I have gone as far as categorizing the different types of pimple by the way they erupt. I have favorite types of pimples I enjoy popping and spots I like to pick. After I pick, I'll even put the white pus on the mirror to examine. I rate the eruption not by how much comes out but the way it comes out and the sound it makes. Then I think about which pimple I popped was the best and think about past favorites. I have favorite lights in my house for certain areas that can be seen better. I LOVE when my boyfriend is out of the house just so I can pick in peace. I pick almost everyday but never in the morning and experience pure satisfaction. The only time I am upset after I pick is if I do it during the day because It prevents me from wearing short sleeves, skirts, shorts, and dresses and my face looks absolutely terrifying. For now I will continue. I am not mentally strong enough to quit.