The ravaged, torn-apart face that i have not seen in 5 years.

I have not seen myself in a very long time. Due to the repetitive and relentless war I wage on my face every second of the day, I have not looked in a mirror in years. I have learned to conceal my skin in the dark, with no mirror. I have taught myself to do my eye makeup with a tiny mirror, only so I can see my eyes. I don't know what I look like any more. I miss my smile. I am ashamed of myself. I am embarrassed for my boyfriend. I have now stopped looking others in the eye because I cannot bare to see them scan my horrible war zone of a face. I am terrified to leave my house day or night. Not even darkness can dull the ugly that I am. With every compulsive pick, scratch, scrub, poke, my soul weakens. If only my tears healed my raw, painful skin. I am held captive by my disease. My happiness is held captive by my disease. The person I once was is dead. Why am I enslaved by this? 5 years since I have seen my own smile? Since I have seen the dimples on my cheeks? Since I have seen my own nose? I cannot fathom even the smallest glance at myself. I couldn't handle it. I know I am a spectical. an embarrassment, a disgrace. I am not even human. I am a monster. I waste away day after day. The pain I endure because of this is and has been detrimental to every aspect of my life. I want to look people in the eyes. I want to just go outside to get the mail. I want to be normal. I can safely say I hate myself. I need help. Feeling trapped in my self-inflicted wounds that wont heal, that I wont let heal. I have never in my life told anyone about my affliction. But my depression has gone to far for me to mask with fake smiles any longer. I am scared of one more day of this. Help. Please. Help me see myself again.