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rubberducke , 01 Aug 2013

I cant stop

It started when I was ten, and I picked really hard at a zit on my chin and thought nothing of it. Then my friend made a comment about how her mom popped her zits every night. I dont know how it happened, but i started doing it, and I thought picking zits was really fun. Eventually, I realized that it was starting to look pretty bad. My face was covered in ugly scabs. But I was stupid and kept doing it. Gradually, I started picking over more of my face, and now I do it all over. I've been trying really hard to stop, but recently I started thinking it was like an addicion. My mom tells me, stop picking, like that'll do the trick. Just now I told her it has a name and it's a real condition, and that I truly can't stop, and she said, "yes you can. Maybe it's hard but you can." The way she said it made it sound like I'm exagerating and I only do it because I want to. But really, it feels like a compulsion, an addiction. I see a mirror, think I won't do it this time, and an hour later my face is red and swollen. Maybe it was fun at first, but now I desperately want to stop. While I'm doing it, I give myself all sorts of reasons I need to stop, But it's like there's someone forcing me to stay and continue. It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel ugly and unworthy. It makes me want to stay in bed and cry all day. But I can't stop and my face is always covered in scabs and I'm starting to get scars. everyone thinks I do it for fun and I can stop whenever I want, and I even used to think that. I have two therapists and I'm on antidepressants, but they don't help, especially when my mom actually gets mad at me for doing it, like it's my fault. I hate doing this and I really want and need to stop, but I can't. Help.
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