Robot Hands

I do exactly the same. It is unbelievable! When I have a "clear" moment I stop and can't believe what I have done and in the same moment I think that by starting again I could improve the condition and continue. Then after hours have passed (many times it is middle of the night) I have to go to sleep as I need to go to work the next morning, but I feel so guilty that I can't fall asleep and I'm touching the wounds all the time and wish to be able to sleep for days until everything is healed. The feeling after waking up and looking into the mirror is awful and then I start my ritual of covering the wounds with make up as good as possible and once I have finally managed to leave the house, I'm arriving in the the office (in most cases terribly late - finding excuses) and a horrible day at work starts where I'm checking the spots constantly in my pocket mirror or my cell phone cover and can't concentrate at all. On such days I try to stay in the office as long as I can just to avoid that I touch the spots - that way I allow my skin to heal. And when I'm finally arrive home I'm somehow very proud of myself that I survived the day. With this feeling I manage not to pick the spots again but only if I don't wash my face, so I go to bed with make-up and then I can fall asleep perfectly because I'm proud of myself again having resisted. But the next morning I can't accept to leave the house with scabs, so I'm starting to pick them off to make it look better which of course lead to scars. I've been doing this now for 16 years (I'm 32 now) - actually I can't believe that I have wasted so many years of my life. There have been so many moments I missed because of this habit, because I looked so awful that I found excuses not to go to school, university, work or to a party, or on a date. I even ruined my last relationship with a really handsome guy because I had so many wounds on my shoulders and my back and I was too ashamed to take off my t-shirt while we were having sex. I was able to undress in the dark at my place where I had the things under control (meaning knowing the light, having my make up, etc), but in daylight or at his place I stressed so much that I decided to better brake up before he could find out. I hate myself that I have let it go that far and that I don't know anymore how it feels to wake up in the morning without any sorrows. How it must be to have a "normal" skin and to just enjoy the day, to undress in locker rooms, in front of a boyfriend or to simply go for swimming with friends in the summer and not to worry how my skin will look without make-up. I'm really willing to change my life and I hope that I'll succeed and will be able to enjoy my life again.

Hi PickAddict21 and Time for Change, I do exactly the same thing!! I can be in the bathroom for hours and not even realize it, its almost like I have no concept of time at all when I start digging at my face. Once I come to reality, I take a look at my face and I'm horrified and so ashamed of what I have done. This is almost always in the middle of the night. Then I can't sleep because I'm so worried about what I know I will look like in the morning and all I want to do is stay in bed for a few days, hide out, and watch movies until I'm healed. I think about what my skin used to look like, before this terrible habit got so out of control. I only wish that I could go back and warn my younger self!! All I really want is to wake up in the morning and be able to hop out of bed and enjoy my day with normal skin. I want to be able to go out without the embarrassment of having sores on my face. This has greatly affected my life in so many ways and it is such a shame. I am a very sweet and intelligent girl with lots to offer, and I used to be so friendly and outgoing. However, now I am withdrawn and I don't even want to be seen. I have missed out on so many things, either because I didn't go, or because I was so withdrawn that I didn't really participate. This habit has literally changed who I am and I hate it! My heart goes out to both of you. Just know that you are not alone and that there are people who understand and care!