Fix thoughts, not face

Day #11 Bit lips when I was over-thinking on two occasions today. Picked my baby toe cuticles and felt around for other rough edges while reading to my older son...goodness I don't want him to pick up on me doing that! Picked at finger cuticles while driving but caught myself and stopped. Still have the pimple/cyst coming in on the back of my neck. It's the kind that hurts when you touch it but I know if I squeezed it nothing would come out except blood. I gotta get more sleep, these late nights make it harder not to worry and I haven't been able to get up early to exercise. My husband and I are wanting to do yoga together in mornings (it's the only exercise he is willing to make time to do), but so far the daily grind and child-rearing prevents that.

Day #12. Late night...a little cuticle picking when ruminating over various things. I need more reaction to it when I start, it just seems a part of me and takes a while for me to realize I'm doing it. The pimple on the back of my neck is getting bigger and more sore, which means I will be more tempted to squeeze it. I can't tell myself enough times it will take less time to heal if I leave it alone! And it won't be as ugly. I didn't wear makeup today bc I didn't have to work. It was refreshing to leave the house not worried about red gashes on my face. Off to bed, tomorrow is another day to refocus!

Day #13 Today I avoided emptying the pimple on the back of my neck which is "ready" as I used to think. That is a victory. I know it will heal faster if I leave it alone and just put cream on it. I can't tell yet whether the Benzoyl Peroxide or Acnomel with Sulfer is the way to go. During the movie "Brother Bear" I totally bit off the dry layer on the right side of my bottom lip. I get so involved and emotional during movies...I can't hardly go to the theater because my heart races and I really feel the suspense and drama. When I was talking to my husband before bed about an issue with our older son, I succumbed and dug my nail into what felt like a blackhead on my back. I just wanted to relieve some pressure I was feeling inside. It's OK, no blood or anything, but probably reddened. And I don't like how I felt inside as it led up to that moment. I need to start being aware and take a deep breath or clasp my hands together or something instead of reach back and feel what could be picked off. Before bed I was cleaning our bathroom because we have company. It usually takes overnight guests to motivate me to do a deep cleaning. It was a similar "got to get all the dirt off" feeling as when I am picking, and probably some OCD...and I knew it was a better type of outlet. Perhaps housecleaning could be one of my alternatives instead of picking, if I can remember and be motivated to do it!

Day #14 Today went well for most of the day. I had groomed my nails gently, and avoided picking until this evening. Then when I discovered our dog had run away, I started really picking at the skin around my fingers while driving around calling for him. I recognized it was happening, but my defenses were down and I have been feeling thoughts like "I wonder if it was my fault." After that initial reaction I started to verbalize that I was sad about it and that helped me not keep picking. I guess my natural reaction would be to overreact and even cry about it, because I feel like an irresponsible dog owner. Then in the bathroom I picked my nose and just don't feel like I can relax knowing he's out there and probably lost, or maybe he's glad to have escaped so he can be "free." // The pimple on the back of my neck was less tender this morning and felt smaller. I went with the Acnomel. I have a blackhead under my left breast and another one above my left hip. I know I could get them out but they are really small and leaving them red would not help in my self-image. Hmmm...it's really hard to change. Stressful situations really trigger me to act out this way. I think I need to take some time and sort it out in my head properly or just cry or put words to my feelings to help me not to pick. I still haven't picked my face, which is the most obvious. But inside I'm still learning how to deal with strong feelings and real life situations in a healthy way.

Day #15 Today was more improvement. I stopped myself from picking my finger cuticles during the day. I did pick my toe cuticles when I took my slippers off tonight while reading a book to my younger son. Need to put cuticle softener on them instead. The pimple on my neck gets bigger by the end of the day and in the morning is smaller. Annoying. Was able to just blow my nose instead of pick it today, so that's good. Went without makeup in public today, and that was nice, too. Still feel the blackheads under my breast and above my hip, but letting them be. Apparently they are supposed to go away on their own, but it takes a long time so we'll see. Lord, thank you for helping me through today. Help me to make it through tomorrow too, trusting in you.

Day # 16 of 30. Past the half way mark! I had a bad dream last night about going to the airport and forgetting my passport, as well as some social situations that bothered me. So I woke up at 3am and picked my toe cuticles and bit my lips, and plucked out the two blackheads under my breast and above my right hip. Now of course there are bright red dots where before you couldn't even tell in a mirror. I thought, oh man, I'm going to have to report that tonight. Then today at work I did fairly well, I think because I had the kids all ready for school with backpacks and lunches made and bus notes written the night before. I didn't get to exercise yet, but I feel like investing time into this forum will be beneficial for my health. I notice I get stressed easily when I'm in a hurry. So I've been purposely trying to stay aware of that and not try to cram more in 30 minutes than I can accomplish, otherwise I will get all worked up and that will lead to picking. I do want to get into an exercise routine again, because it just makes me feel good. Tonight while I was on the phone with a friend, I desperately wanted the "girl time" to speak to her, but at the same time I was thinking about laundry, dishes, kids' homework and parent teacher conferences to arrange...and so I compulsively picked off all the ends of my toenails while on the phone with her. I thought again, great, Im going to have to report that too. My toenails were looking so nice before I did that! Rats. I should put on gloves when I feel that way and decide if I can afford to talk and leave the rest of it or if I need to postpone the conversation and take care of business. So, while I have not picked my face, my inner wellbeing leaves much to be desired. Breathe, take it easy, I can only do what one person can do in a 24 hour period. //Lord, please forgive me for not trusting you with the little details of my life. I can't do this without you, I can't stop this out of my own strength and willpower. I can do all things through you who strengthens me. Thank you for my family, my job, and the life you have given me. You gave up your flesh for me to be free, I don't need to live in bondage to this habit. You created my hands with the abilities they have. I pray for help to use them for good and not for harm. Amen.

Day # 17. It's been a decent day. I exercised this am! But I did not get enough sleep last night. There's too much to do to get kids ready for school it seems. I did well not picking in the morning. I picked a little while driving then put a stop to it. I felt the pimple on the back of my neck and it's getting smaller. I have to admit there were some small hard blackeads? that were just about out on their own and I did scratch them off with one finger and they came off easily. I was feeling particularly stressed today in the afternoon because of the "I want I wants" from the kids and whining. Then my husband came home and he was stressed. But then he made a fire and we had a "picnic" dinner by the fire in our living room and once we had two spills of food and beverage we laughed it off and enjoyed the family time together. I have still been biting my lips subconsciously and by the time I realize what I'm doing I have a loose piece I just have to get off. Just keep swimming!

I am traveling the next few days and will continue to work on being at peace inside through prayer...and hopefully picking less and less. I can definitely notice that stress or worry leads to picking. Will post again Monday or Tuesday night.