Like a drug addict, I have gone from one "substance" to another over the years.

Like everyone else, I have mixed emotions about finding this site and all the issues we face. Mostly sad. It is overwhelming to me. I am actually a recovering pill addict, and I thought I'd start a topic and kind of make fun of what we do and say, " my name is ----, and I am a pickr". And say, I have "10 days clean", or "I relapsed last night", or joke abou t " picking" meetings. But I quickly realized that this is already viewed in that way by many, which is comforting, but also very alarming. What in the world compels us to do this? It doesn't really matter at this point, does it? I think I have to attack this like a regular addiction. One day at a time, etc. The first time I did something strange like this, I was four years old and pulled my hair out, one or two strands at a time. My mom didn't know what to do with me, so she cut my hair into a pixy, (nice name for a girl's crew cut) It actually did work, thank God, or I think I would be chronically bald by now. (I'm 47). Different weird obsessive behaviors over the years, but my latest is picking my cuticles and around my nails with tweezers. I purposely stay away from cuticle nippers, because I know that would be my undoing. I stand in one spot in the bathroom, like someone said, blocking out noises or anything, it is totally like I am in some kind of trance! It's weird. (Duh) So then I realize I've been standing motionless, except for that, for like an hour. Then all my fingers are sore. I heard someone say they liked the feeling of the cuticle peeling away from the finger. I totally understood that. Often as it's peeling away, I say to myself, WTF is wrong with me, that I enjoy this so much?? It's disgusting and weird. The longer the piece is, the better it feels, like someone said, "satisfying". Then if I can manage to stay away from it for a day, it starts to heal, and then it becomes even better. What fun. Such a cheap form of entertainment. It's just lovely, isn't it? Having acrylic nails has helped, but when one breaks, then more fun and hours of entertainment until I manage to get all of them off. So many things to pick at...which one do I choose first? It's like a free for all. But I digress....even though I have the nails on, I still manage to mess with the cuticles, and I also discovered I could take tweezers and go under the part of the acrylic nail that shows and actually peel my natural nail away from the acrylic! Great...now I've probably given you all some new ideas. But after I have no acrylics and need a new set put on, I can't stay away from that virtual gold mine on my hands, let it all heal, and get new ones on! I currently have had no acrylics on for almost a week, because I keep telling myself I need one day...just ONE day...to heal enough that my nails are not raw or open sores to actually get them on. I can't seem to get through one night without picking. I pick, then I hate myself, give my daughter the tweezers, tell her to hide them, she never hides them good enough, and I just end up finding them after she goes to sleep. Like it's cocaine or something. OMG!!!

I have no emotional disturbances.