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Oi vey
I don't know exactly what the point of this post will be! But I haven't posted in awhile and I feel like I want to update. I still swear by my tried and trues to heal when I mess up (gentle face wash and moisturizer from simple brand or Pacifica, tea tree oil, hydrocolloid bandaids and trentinoin cream). I wash my face, moisturize adding a drop or two of tea tree into moisturizer, and sleep with hydrocolloids on spots and trentinoin everywhere else to fade and heal and regenerate new skin. I feel like when I put my mind to it I CAN stop. When I focus on what I know about God and how rediculous anxiety is and focusing on skin and when I honestly stop checking forums like this or researching healing and self care and just say enough I can do better because I am not giving the obsession time it doesn't even deserve!!! But lately I have been tired and I feel like with that comes sometimes the decision I make not to fight it and my brain gets fuzzy and I just stand there at night in front of the mirror and quite literally let myself pick. Right now I have many healing spots on my chin and some on the side of my face/ hairline. Probably 5 total that are bothering me today. None are open thank God. I keep picking at little bumps that are like hard little clogged pores blackheads maybe, things that fall out on their own...things that no one can see their entire life cycle in my face lol UNTIL I touch them. They don't even bug me at all. But I look for them because I want something to pick. It's rediculous. I am such a glutton for punishment sometimes. About to get a shower and do my morning part of my skin care routine and makeup and go about my day. Makeup will hide everything well today and good behavior will have much of it healed by tomorrow. Sometimes I think I have admit....it's not lack of sleep, it's not that I need a better healing mask, it's not that I need to get rid of the bumps. I need to stop because I do have control.
Self punishment. We love to self punish ourselves. And self hatred. Not being good enough in our mind. If we treasued ourselves we would not permit such behavior to happen. It's all about gaining self acceptance and being kind to ourselves. To say we are good enough and that our skin and face are good enough. Skin picking is a very sad disorder. One which is tainted with guilt and regret. Be careful of giving up the fight. When you are tired do not allow your mind to rationalize the picking. That's the most vulnerable state to be in.
This disorder takes a massive amount of will power to maintain on a daily basis. Just think of how it feels to avoid a particular spot ...the lingering thoughts throughout the day to pick it...the screaming urge which causes you inability to focus until you "do something" about that pore/pimple. Whether I pick or not, usually something about my skin bothers me. Just knowing that I have an active whitehead on my face bothers me just as much as knowing that I have a healing picked spot which I need to hide. Tiresome predicament.