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Picking at myself makes me feel in control!
Okay, so I just realized I've always been into anxiety picking and a little self harm thrown in. Whether it's giving myself cuts, picking scabs and eating them, scratching my legs, picking my scalp to the point that I make little sores so they scab up so that I can pick those scabs, picking my boogers (only eating the harder ones), and just getting lost in it. I feel embarrassed about it, and wish I could stop, but it's my way of feeling in control sometimes. That's just it though, getting stressed about things out of my control and picking away at myself subconsciously. Can anyone else relate to picking in regards to that specifically?
That's how it must have started for me. Feeling in control by modifying my image, by "cleaning" up my skin. But now I've become too conscious of the process...I am aware that picking only harms me. I am beyond the control at this point...now I've reached a level called pure self hatred.
I can definitely relate to this. I have had eczema since I was about 1, I am 15 now. Contrary to the doctors belief I have not "grown out of it". Although it has gotten better, I still remember that when I was about 7 I would drag my arms down sharp pieces of wall to get some relief from the ictch. Of course, I would bleed and my mother would wrap me in bandages till I looked like a mummy. It's not so bad now, but one thing has gotten worse, my scalp, I started picking my scalp five or six years ago. And in a way I really enjoy it, whenever I'm anxious, frustrated, annoyed, etc. I pick my scalp, my hands, legs, anywhere, and it makes me feel in control. My family are great and I don't have any mental problems, but I grew up with four siblings, and I always wanted to be in control, to this day if we have a family meeting, I always jump in here and there giving input, until eventully I take over the meeting, so I can be in control. On top of that sometimes I don't want to get better, I tell myself "I don't care what other people think, and my family don't mind my skin, so why should I?" But I need to stop, my skin condition puts a lot of stress on my Dad.