I just need to say it

Regardless of whether anyone reads this/comments, I need to say this; Maybe just to get these thoughts out of my head. I am a skin picker. I am 32 years old and have picked non-stop since I was 13. Though for many years told myself "I can stop whenever I want," I am now accepting the fact that I am completely out of control. I hate myself. I cry every day. If not for my son, I probably would never leave my house. I have never admitted this to anyone - Though once I told a boyfriend (After his constant questions) that I was a "cutter" - In my mind it seemed more socially acceptable to be a cutter than a skin picker (Apparently, on the "crazy scale," cutting is a notch above skin picking...) I am obsessive, paranoid, anxious beyond belief. I'm a hoarder as bad as those nutters on A&E (no garbage, though - garbage grosses me out. I just have ridiculous amounts of stuff) I worry that if I were to die tomorrow, people would find out about my hoarding and more than that, I worry that the coroner would wash off my make up and my family would have to identify my body... They would see all of my scabs, red marks and nastiness. This is what keeps me going - I have to stop picking so I won't be embarrassed by the coroner and my family seeing me without makeup. Yeah, I'm seriously crazy. I hate going out in public, and when I do go out, I'm convinced everyone is staring at my hideous face that I've created. I'm painfully shy, though everyone who knows me would say the opposite because to mask how I really feel, I talk incessantly and joke joke joke (Perhaps to never give people the chance to say "What the hell is up with your face????") I've even had people tell me I should be a stand up comedian. Um, yeah. I've lost all of my friends because even though in my heart I'm a true, reliable friend, I can't keep dates/show up because I'm embarrassed by how I look and don't want to be seen in public. I've avoided going to my hometown for the fear that high school friends or family who haven't seen me in ages will say "What happened to her??" or pity me. My biggest regret is missing my grandmother's birthday party several years ago because of my face. She died a week later and I've never forgiven myself. Looking back at photos of my early twenties (Before the picking got really bad and ruined my face) I was very very pretty. People always told me I was and I never believed them. I've since destroyed my face and gained 30lbs (Did I mention I started stress eating 2 years ago?) I often wish I could go back to my college years and appreciate who I was and what I had. That girl had so much going for her. These days I feel like I've wasted my youth and now there isn't much to look forward to. Relationships are pointless as I can't ever fully be myself with a man. I would never let a guy see me without heavy makeup. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. Thankfully I have my son who makes me indescribably happy... Though he has started lip picking and nail biting and I'm feeling horrible and responsible for the path his life seems doomed to be headed down. So there you have it. The meandering thoughts bouncing around in my head at 3am on a Sunday morning. It's nice to just say these things. To be honest for once.