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allovertheplace , 29 Mar 2010

Boyfriend, Makeup, Breakdown

So I had a break-down today, caused by quite a few things. Yesterday a friend was visiting me and we were planning to go out. So, I went to the bathroom to do a touch up on my makeup which instead turned into a little poking and picking of course, but not too bad, but then immediately I started covering the open wounds with covergirl. Meanwhile my friend went downstairs and sat on the couch with my parents and I heard them talking. My step-mom asked where I was and she said I was getting ready. My step mom said, oh yes, she's getting beautified and my friend said, yeah she takes a while and my parents agreed. It bothered me. In fact, my friend went on to say that while I was visiting her house, her boy-friend would get impatient with how long I took. This really got to me, because I know the reason I'm taking so long is because everyday is a struggle for me when I have to face the mirror and foundation can take up to thirty minutes alone sometimes. But they don't know this, they just don't know. I also have been sleeping over at my boyfriend's apartment....which means I go to bed often without washing my face. He's never seen me without makeup. In the morning his room gets really bright from the sun and when I wake up I'm instantly self-conscious knowing the sun is illuminating my scars from yesterday's smeared makeup. I get out of bed as quickly as possible and go to the bathroom to wash my face and re-apply my mask. When I come back into the room he usually asks if I fell in or something and I'm pretty good with making some kind of joke that makes him forget how long I took in the bathroom. But this morning we were cuddling and he said I looked really beautiful without makeup. I just stared at him, confused, knowing he had never seen me without make up on. He said he saw me once without make up when I got out of the shower. I knew what he was referring to, but he was wrong, that day when I got out of the shower, I put on more make-up ad went into his room. It probably just looked really natural that day or something. But after he told me this I got out of bed and sat on a chair in his room and looked at him and said, when I was thirteen I developed chronic picking disorder. I picked at my face so bad that it bled to the point that there was no blood left, just clear liquid. He was surprised and asked if I still picked. I said sometimes, but its not as bad. Its not as bad now, but by sleeping over at his house, my skin is getting more and more clogged. Since I wear makeup every day, night is my skin's only chance to heal. We didn't talk about it anymore, I left to go back to my house where I ended up picking and trying to put more make up on to cover my red, puffy face. I was suppose to go pick up a friend for lunch, but when I got into the car and looked in the mirror, I bursted into tears. The makep looked horrible and my face felt so heavy with all that shit on it. As I cried, the area around my eyes had an extreme color difference compared to the rest of my face. I felt like I was wearing a geisha mask. I sat in the drive way sobbing for a while and then went back in to see my step-mom. She asked me tons of questions as to what was triggering this. I don't understand anymore, but now I'm just so pissed. I want to be done with this, and I hate makeup. So I went upstairs, washed my face and picked up my friend and I had lunch with my real face. It felt so much better. I want to stop wearing makeup, but work would just be so embarassing. I don't think I can handle not wearing makeup at work, my boyfriend also works with me. I told my boyfried we're going for a walk tomorrow and I'm going to explain to him that I need the nightime to heal and that I can't spend the night with him anymore. I'm going to miss walking up to him, but I need to get healthy again. But I don't even know if he'll want to be with me anymore, because I'm gonna tell him that I don't look the way he thinks I look. That I have scars, and sores, that it's not a pretty sight, and I can't handle him seeing me as I am. I don't know what's going to happen. What have you guys had to deal with when it comes to relationships?
21 Answers
bb0414
March 18, 2013
Im so happy I woke up and read this today.. I have been dealing with skin picking for 5 years now.. it use to be a lot worse but with some therapy I learned alot of other ways to deal with stress. It doesnt help when you get random break outs and in your head you want them to "go away" so you continue to pop and pick. I recently had a pretty bad break out on my face and during this time I met an amazing man.He went away for 2 weeks and i was face timing him every night before "bed" but was running to the bathroom covering my face up. He is coming home today and im cooking dinner for him and he is staying over the night.. Im soooooo Nervous because I dont want to have to wear make up in bed.. let alone at all anymore, IM SO SICK OF MAKE UP... I just cant go natural infront of him yet.. From what he has told me he is a picky person when it comes to choosing girls.. so does that mean if he saw the real me he wouldnt like me? its stressing me out so much.. Thankfully I started an acne medication solodyn and I also got a gel to put on my face for acne and scarring.. I dont know what to do about tonight though. Im so nervous. I dont know how to be discrete about putting make up on before bed and in the morning. I also am planning to go on vacation in a month and I want to be able to go to the beach with no make up on.. And i cant.. ill be in vegas where everyone is skinny and gorgeous and has the perfect glowing face... It is a struggle everyday especially when you get to a magnified mirror.. word of advice.. 1) throw out magnified mirrors.. its not what people actually see 2) at night wash your face in the dark if you can... you were just out a whole day and your skin didnt breathe wash your face, toner, moisturizer, spot medication and go to bed 3) find other ways to deal with stress (popping bubble wrap) 4) go to a dermotologist (this really helped me)

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