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What if I just like the way it feels?
I've been doing this to myself for probably 10 years. I'm only 24. It started just at my feet, and now it's spread to literally my entire body. I have african-american skin, so every time I pick, the wound gets darker, and darker. IT's left my body covered in ugly dark spots that, although are fading, are still present. But the thing is...I enjoy it. When I do it, I'm in a trance, almost. And the pain I feel is so..freeing, and so completely overwhelming that I get lost in it, and I can't stop it. It's like heroin. Infact, I think I enjoy this more than I ever did any drug. I keep trying to find something else, and something else, and anything else to quit. I got hooked onto coke for a while, and that has been the only thing since I was 14 years old that made me stop having the desire completely. But obviously, I couldn't continue doing that...so I had to give that addiction up, and go back to my old one. So I've just given up in a lot of ways. This is the first time in 10 years that I've had less than 5 sores to pick at and I'm really trying...but I still think about how wonderful it would be if I were covered in scabs on some deserted island. It's even so intense that I've figured out all the different types of scabs, and which ones hurt the most, and produce the most...pleasure. Wow. That's pretty sick. I feel hopeless, though. Because who cares if I ever stop picking? I'll always be covered with these ugly, black marks ALL over my body. So really, what's the point? God wasted a nice set of legs and a great ass on me.
April 22, 2010
Hey, it only took you 10 years to figure out that addiction to endorphins released by pain is part of what is driving you. Some people NEVER figure that part out. the only way to beat That part is to slowly wean yourself off pain endorphins and onto healthy ones. Exercise until every muscle is screaming, hold yoga poses while maintaining breath control, whatever you can find. Then, once the craving for the pain/release from pain/pain cycle is at a tolerable point, much like the cocaine addiction you will always have but can choose not to act on, THEN you start to work on the other factors leading you to mutilate yourself. Obviously, you don't have BDMD, but the depression is never a good thing for people with CDO( i love that joke). given your stated history, i think you should check out the meds, it sounds like your brain is desperate for something, And it's not forever, if you are determined enough you can minimize scarring until only you can tell where every one is. Just be prepared to spend some effort at research and some cash. it is worth it though. And god would Never waste a great ass on anyone...too precious and rare. :)