New member and desperate

I am so glad to have found this so I can talk to others about this embarrassing topic. I have been picking my skin since in one way or another my whole life. It sort of evolved as I grew up. I remember not wanting the bumps on my legs and couldn't stand the itch of mosquito bites when I was really little that my mom would check on me in the bath and I would stand up with my legs all bloody from using my moms razor to itch my bites. Then when I found out what a pimple was and I would break out on my back during my teen years. Now I am 23 and still am embarrassed to wear a swim suit or even tank tops because as soon as my contacts come out (i am extremely near-sided) I can see my skin on my shoulders as if under a microscope, and they look terrible. There is also this pressure I have always had, of being a pretty girl. So people expect me to always look good. And my insecurities just pile up because people look at me everywhere I go, I have their attention, and I feel that I let them down the longer they look. They see scars and marks. OCD runs in my family, and I also have low self esteem. I feel guilty about everything I eat, and guilty about picking my skin. I am a perfectionist and when my house isn't perfect, which it never is, I feel overwhelmed, and mad at myself for not being able to complete even a simple task as folding my laundry and putting it all away. I also have ADD. I am an artist and I fail to complete those projects too. I have half finished projects all over my house and garage. I also write and am in a class through mail, which I hardly send in any assignments in on time. I have way too many hobbies. Maybe I get that high when I see that I am good at something. But then my imperfections shine through in one aspect or another, and at the end of the day (when I pick, in the bathroom) it takes me a couple hours just to wash my face, brush my teeth and go to bed. Because I feel that, that day I didn't accomplish anything. I have been on Adderall, which was awesome for my ADD, but made my picking worse, which is why I believe Adderall got me into this habit of every night I get ready for bed, I look for ways to relieve or "accomplish" something. Of course I don't realize this at the time. While I am picking I am having conversations with people in my head usually. And a lot of the time it's a defensive argument. I realize this is a lot to read for anyone. But it feels good to get it all out about how I feel. A psychological mess. I guess just typing all this and not editing myself throughout, really brought out what I feel inside. I have learned that through my writing books. Just write and don't stop and see what comes out on paper. You learn a lot about yourself.