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cleanandsparkles , 11 Jan 2012

quitting the picking

hi. i am posting this because i am going to use it as an update for how i am doing. i am doing great at the moment, infact so great i cannot recall exactly how many days i havent picked for! this is real progress believe me. i usually would know precisely because the time span between picks would be very short, a few days maximum and it would seem like months due to the intense energy needed to stop myself picking. Now since finding this site it seems i have had some sort of miraculous turnaround. Not only have i not picked, except a scratch here and there, but i also seem to have been released from the 'prison' which has controlled me for many, many years. The picking has controlled me and never the other way round - until now. I feel a freedom that is so exciting and a much healthier body probably due to my immune system having a break, ie not having to deal with sabatage. One thing though, because i am not picking i am being saturated with 'feelings'/memories, etc. i know i picked for several reasons, not always due to complications but can clearly see now how much i picked to change my focus. i would use picking as an ESCAPE quite a lot of the time. Of course now i can see that the picking then caused the inability to deal healthily with any emotions. talk about double whammy. anyhow i need to get some of these things out and i know this site is my sanctuary. this is where i have found such intense relief because i feel safe sharing on here because all of you share the same habit, different areas/methods maybe, but the same habit and desire to stop. this is really to say thank you and i may be a little addicted to this site but i tell you from the bottom of my heart i would rather be addicted to adding to this site than picking. this is healthy, picking is not. it affected not only my self-esteem with shame, etc, it hurt my skin, my eyes, my glands, my hands, my fingers, my thyroid, my temperature, appetite, sleep, gave me fatigue, fear, energy levels (massive lows), depression, inability to think clearly (too obsessed with giving up and never giving up!), self-loathing and not doing what i wanted, ie live a good, healthy life. phew - think i have covered most things there. anyhow, right now i am clearing through a few 'to do' lists - i have found that i get burdened with too many things i have not done, some small but eventually they add up and i get stressed. now i have more time and i am using it positively - at last. any other things that help i will keep posting because it is like being a member of a big supportive club. i feel that since knowing there are so many of us working towards the same goal i never feel alone with my problem and that i am therefore released from the chains that have held me back. thankyou!
39 Answers
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Basta
January 11, 2012
Thank you too!! I hope you'll replace the bad habit with some constructive ways of dealing with fears/emotions/anxiety/add your own reason... I pick to escape too and I run from many things... Otherwise I wouldn't be picking every single day for so long..
cleanandsparkles
January 12, 2012
will do my very best Basta. thanks for support. imagine the free time we are going to have spare now we are not picing - there are going to be quite a few extra hours to fill with positive things! obviously its not possible to be positive all of the time but think that replacing picking with a healthy pursuit can only be good. talking of which i am off for a geranium/rosemary and lavender bath! with a great book -(Carole Matthews) light and funny. Healthy mind = healthy habits. Walking dog later on beach (she is also looking better!) all v. best to you Basta.
critter60
August 21, 2012
Well maybe this site was meant to be:) I have had a chin problem for 5 years. I have been going to a few Dermatologists to find out what was wrong. I finally went back to a Derm. Dr. that I saw years ago for acne. He is the only one that told me that I have infected hair folicles!!!! So he IS treating me for this. I have been picking for hours in front of the mirror, wasting time, and missing out on alot, because I make things look way worse by touching, and fooling with the area. I constantly have to have a "duo-derm" bandage on my chin, to help it heal. Once it heals it looks like cottage cheese, so then I fool with it again. My Derm. Dr. has been very patient, telling me the worst I can do is touch it, pick, etc., but I seem, not to be able to help it. Now, if I am gathering the correct impression, on this site, that this is all caused by a psychological disorder. This touching and picking does seem to be some kind of addiction. My dermatologist has told me, that once it is healed by leaving it alone, that he can do step 2, to smooth my awful scars. But by the time that I get back in to see him, I have not left it alone. It is a vicious cycle with me. Is there help out there, because I never realized that so many people have this problem, not just me.
cleanandsparkles
January 12, 2012
today i am going to make some phonecalls that i have put off and i have to fill in a grotty form for tax. these things may seem small but they can result in major pick if not dealt with. realise that so much picking was also used as an avoidance tactic. trouble is once picked i was so less able to function because i suffered really badly with failure feelings, plus of course the physical results. Putting things off is not an option because they all eventually add up and become too much to handle - then guess what - vulnerable to picking. i am now going to refer to my picking as a habit in the PAST. Alot of what we say to ourselves 'internally' is what we become. for too many years i have told myself i am 'useless, disgusting, and unclean' due to the picking - right now i feel good. my daughter has noticed and is commenting on how nice i look. i can truly say that picking has affected my mothering skills. awful to confess this but it has. when she was young i would be all set to take her to park, or whereever, i would then 'find' myself picking and then be unable to go. i feel a lot of guilt about this because i love being a mother and have always done the best i can but picking has been a massive hindrance in virtually every way i can think of. ie. work (phoning in sick because cannot face people seeing my bad skin), cancelling activities, staying in because it is 'safer', and of course relationships. I had severe drinking issues but managed to become sober with help of AA (years ago now but still very, very grateful as similar to picking drink masked the feelings!). Picking has been harder to manage than alcohol - because we can never get away from ourself, whereas i could avoid drink by giving up and avoiding situations, bottles, etc. This is all happening under the guise of appearing normal. ummmm. I know that i haveoften had a negative energy around me - does this make sense? - what i am trying to say is that subliminally people pick up on how we are feeling inside. sadly i have been very enclosed in my self loathing and although have lived a full life - it could have been so, so, so much fuller. Well, better to quit now than never! still am in shock that it has been so long since last picking episode! I feel a sense of freedom and released from inner-torment. still going to start C.B.T. as i am never going to take quitting for granted. i am conscious of the need for maintaining the awareness of healthy mind, body and spirit. - these are my ramblings for today. these are my reflections on why i never want to go back and only wish to go onwards with strength and positivity. Strength to all of us!
Basta
January 12, 2012
Strength and patience to us too. I remember that many years ago I would never imagine doing sports on a regular level, but then I started doing it - it was really hard (I started running) but I stuck to it and after 6 months or so it became natural to me to run or just being fysically active. Even after pregnancy (I didn't run from week 12) I came back to the routine right away, and it feels unnatural not to be a runner now. The same I did with smoking ("just" stopped) and drinking (thought about the reasons and cut it to a minimum). So there's hope but we have to stick with it. There's a saying: "Man can only become what he is able to consciously imagine." I agree so much and am trying to change the self-image from "picker" to "non-picker". Picking has affected my life soooo much, but I don't want to write about it here in this positive reply :)
cleanandsparkles
January 13, 2012
hi just entering my thoughts for today. i feel this is my place to come and just 'be' - to be honest it is probably a bit like the place i would go whist picking - a safe place, very much MY space. however this is a healthy space, a space i can share in a healthy way. If i am on my own and feel a little vulnerable, instead of picking i think 'great i can check in to this site. For today i am doing great and am grateful. i will always be aware i am just one pick away and will catch myself going for skin when an anxious moment occurs (frequently!). for eg. from november last year i have been having issues with tax and they have been hassling me. not good when i am a picker, sorry WAS a picker. i would normally be in a very bad way by now because they have been hounding me and i would have attacked myself very badly - i know this because it WAS my coping mechanism (haha - because it actually made it all/everything so much harder). anyhow talk about crazy, had a call from bank this morning and they have credited me with a load of money, this is so bizarre. i will return it all of course but it just made me laugh. these kind of complex situations would send me in to a virtual frenzy in my mind, worry, etc but now i find i am taking things more in my stride. My thoughts on this are that the picking has stopped me maturing properly. it has interfered with me facing things head-on, in other words, it stunted my thoughts. this in turn takes away more confidence from making brave decisions. i have decided to be braver, not too much because i dont want to push things too much too quickly but i do feel a new sense of bravery, freedom and i have a strong resolve to make up for so much lost time. wow, this is so positive. picking is hell and i am heading for heaven. wishing us all strength and abstinence. boyfriend staying for few days and may not be able to get my thoughts down but feel ok just knowing that we are all here and cheering each other on. it makes such a difference. thank you.
Basta
January 16, 2012
I do feel it too! The braveness. It's like I am not afraid to look into other peoples' faces anymore. And I am not afraid to treat myself with respect. These are big words but it's indeed a wonderful feeling. I think of this site as a temporary help - like going to a therapist - eventually when I heal completely I won't have the need to come here anymore.
sophie addison
January 16, 2012
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cleanandsparkles
January 18, 2012
havent been 'here' for few days as had b/f staying and dont get time to myself. will think about this because i must ensure that this is a priority because i know it helps me alot. think it is the process of having to check-in with my thoughts and do it honestly, no editing as such. know that iv had a bit of a problem since meeting my b/f about putting his needs before mine. to an extent. that is ok because he treats me v well (unlike some past relationships this one is pretty healthy) but i need to remain in 'my' head and not try to get in to his. it is easy for me to be occupied with what he is thinking and forget to stay with my own thoughts. he is very driven and organised and consequently i can get worn out - i am v aware that when i am tired i have less motivation and therefore it is a danger time. i do try and practice the HALT system because it has helped me in the past but it is not so easy when i am being encouraged to carry on being productive when in fact im ready to stop and just watch telly or read, or whatever. think it is good that he is like that because i wouldnt want someone lolling around all the time, but need to perhaps take more 'time-out' moments and regenerate. since 'quitting the picking' i definitely have more energy because im sleeping more (many a night i would be dog-tired and then pick for bloody hours!) and i am generally much happier, apart from little blips, lets face it there are going to be grotty moments, but they are straightforward grotty, not post-pick grotty, ie having to deal with problem itself, plus the horrid sabatage-shame. - anyhow that is my thought process for today and suspect there is more but right now i am going to have dinner and sit down (he has gone now so its ok!!!!). phew.
svetlana
January 18, 2012
haha i know exactly what do you mean when you say you wanna "go in your BF´s head" - i used to do it too and its really not healthy! Also, its kind of addictive, imagining what the other person is like, what is he thinking etc. (at least way too much addictive for me!) btw what exactly is HALT system you mentioned? thanks for posting ;)
cleanandsparkles
January 18, 2012
hi svetlana, yes as you rightly say, not healthy since we can ever only know, i mean really know, what is going on in our OWN head - and lets face it, this is complex enough! blimey i find myself hard enough to work out without trying to work out him. i guess i am aware that perhaps ONE of the ONLY slightly useful things about picking was the escapism. i could have a concern about something and do the picking and because i would feel so dreadful about the picking the original problem seemed fairly inconsequential. trouble is problems lurk around and dont just go away and healthy solutions have to be explored. this is where i am going to be occupied for a while, i dont think i have learned to deal with things in a spontaneous way yet. i think this is going to take some practising. initially the slightest bit of anxiety and i would have a virtual reflex action - picking. now, as a non-picker i am floundering. i must admit i was abit moody with b/f at moments because i found it difficult to 'switch off. ' - if i think about it, i would think i have not really truly 'switched off' for a few weeks, ie since not picking. So, Imperative to find substitute remedy. I need to find hobby FAST, do meditation, etc. positive challenges. oh yes and posting here. - p.s. H.A.L.T. stands for Hungry, Angry/anxious, Lonely, Tired - states whereby we could be vulnerable to addictions (think it originated in AA), if you are interested i posted on it couple of weeks ago under H.A.L.T. best wishes and thanks for comments
Basta
January 18, 2012
My hubby is very productive too but it influences me the opposite way - I just get very lazy and demotivated. I really want to be a productive and energetic person but when he is close I get the feeling that I'm not as good as he is, and just stop even trying. Quite a negative pattern. But since I've quit picking I find myself doing things - and not being influenced by him that much. This is huge!!! I guess it comes from being good to myself. When I don't pick I respect myself and when I respect myself I want to do nice things to myself, like being active for my own sake. I hope it's not too messy to read :))) I'm glad you're back!
cleanandsparkles
January 18, 2012
Yep! Basta. relate re 'feeling not good as he is'. i have found that it can have this effect. what im hoping is that without picking a certain maturity can develop! think it is to do with becoming a 'whole' person. personally, i think iv been operating on a very much below capability level. sounds like you are discovering that being good to yourself, etc is a key to not being influenced so much and this is brill. the self-respect has to be a major, major factor here because if we dont respect ourselves it permeates our personality. it takes time for new enlightenment to show results but i am getting glimmers of possibility. no not messy to read Basta, great to be back and i know you mentioned your running and have to share that i have agreed to climb mountain with 'energetic one' (ie b/f) and we did a lot of hill climbing at w/e. feel lungs are responding and little things are becoming easier, like popping to shop, etc. its the famous adage, the more you do, the more you can do (or something along those lines). so true. i found picking stultified my energy and now the possibilities are amazing. i love the idea of getting fit and cannot think of a better way of getting close to nature, improving fitness levels, sleep patterns and ofcourse exercise is great at treating mind stuff. i am always dipping in to eckhart Tolle 'The Power of Now' and really love the concept that the mind should never control us, we need to use it as a productive tool and be in the now, not in past or present. whilst climbing these hills at w/e i was most definitely in the present and had no time to analyse trivia, it was only post climbing that i got too stressy (prob because exhausted!). anyhow sorry this is very definitely messy but i wanted to respond to you. :))
cleanandsparkles
January 20, 2012
just about to listen to meditation tape to calm my thoughts. feel ok but need to be ready for major action soon as am being dragged round shops with my daughter. - actually it should be fun in lots of ways, as long as she had some sleep last night (she had sleep-over with friend so probably not). - i havent had as much work these last couple of weeks and find that although i love it, the free-time, i also am better with a little structure. guess im not that good at creating any of my own. - i thought to myself last night that i hadnt really achieved that much during the day so made a mental assessment and discovered that i had done more than i thought, just not as much as i would have liked. - if i am honest i think i could probably have slept as do love sleeping but knew my little dog needed a good run so took her to beach and it ended up being v good for restoring spirit. - did various houseworky things (not enough) and read some of a book got for christmas (the Understudy, david nicholls - good so far). all of this is good but feel a little selfish in my existence. at the same time i can reflect that actually its the first time in years and years that i havent been dominated by the whole picking syndrome and it is a chance to really become a more complete person. just not sure quite which way this is going to go. - had letter with confirmation of C.B.T. which starts on Thursday next week. i am sure that this will help to clarify a little more of the possibilities ahead. - i need to be aware that this is a very special time for me, a chance to perhaps really achieve some sort of ambition? know picking has got in way of progress and equally i have probably used it as an excuse as well as a reason, ie easier to pick than go out and take action (well not easier more like safer). - anyhow that is no longer a valid reason so reality hits. - what to do? - have always wanted to be a writer and must say that i get some fulfillment of this on here - trouble is there is no salary for it. my b/f wants to start some sort of business and this is a possibility. - we made 16 jars of marmalade (more arduous than i realised!) at w/e and we are going to try and sell these, along with various other things. just not sure if this is going to fulfill me. - thiink this is important. i need a sense of fulfillment. Probably will find some sort of volunteer work as know when i have done this in past it has helped to quench that slightly useless feeling i can get otherwise. - also being a bit more organised as, like it or not, if i can get organised then things are easier. so on this note i will go off now and get some washing hung to dry and fit in meditation so that i am calm and prepared for the mayhem of the shopping trip later today.
cleanandsparkles
January 21, 2012
ok. here goes. i am writing something here that i never thought id write. plus i will keep it short because i am slightly in shock. - something my daughter has told me which changes the way i thought the future would be. - changed the way her future could be and basically i feel grief. - i know i will adapt. i love her as her, whatever. full stop. - what i feel so sad about is the chain of events leading to all this and feel it has had such a HUGE, MASSIVE impact on her. plus how she sees herself., etc, etc. whilst typing i have decided it is not appropriate to detail too much about this here, primarily because she could possibly read it sometime by accident, or nosiness. - she shares the laptop so its a possibility. - thing is i feel pretty scared and confused and sobbed myself to sleep. - i just have to rearrange all my thinking around. - oh hell. - what i have learned recently is there is a certain process that occurs on hearing shit 'news'/ shock stuff, whatever. - what happens is the initial 'carpet pulling physical blow' and that is what i have right now. however - and i am reassuring myself here, i seem to be learning a very NEW gift. this gift is the ability to see to the NEXT stage, the next stage being accepting that this feeling wont last, that there is another stronger reaction yet to come, that is if, sorry NOW, that i dont pick any longer. i absolutely hate to think how i would have attacked myself over this news, previous to this 'site therapy'. anyhow, she wants laptop now and she is going out shortly so am going to have to leave it here. probably best since i could get too waffly and fell that this particular issue needs to be discussed with a)my daughter and b)the C.B.T. therapist (starts thursday - am grateful that it is in place because has helped me last night knowing i have a place to really discuss this) and my friends. However, i need to once again acknowledge my gratitude to this site because even though i havent put the specific details, what i am trying to do is get the feeling of sorrow out here, on this little box because if i do this i know i wont feel the need to sabatage my skin because picking is what has stopped so much of my development emotionally. i can see this so clearly. i am learning to process information in a positive way and not just disappear with it, internalise it and fester with it. - 'it' being life. 'it' being 'things that happen' - to me, my family, friends, people, animals, what/whoever - things that can upset me and cause me to, sorry DID cause me to pick. - here i go. growing up at last. better now than never. really. ouch. ouch.
cleanandsparkles
January 21, 2012
well - ummmmm. eeek. have spoken to old school friend and she has slightly reassured me but im still reeling. have blitzed downstairs with hoover and now going to have to have lie down and put on meditation cd. think that because am 'feeling' all these feelings i am perpetually knackered. yes basta - if you have a daughter you will know that when they relay something quite fundemental it impacts - hugely. - i probably will discuss it sometime, once my daughter finds her answers a little clearer. for now i suppose i need to be a little careful. - dont know maybe its my own fears of saying right things to her. oh blimey. - processing all this has worn me out and feel very ungrounded - more like wafting several feet up in the air. need to recuperate by tuning-out for a bit and then hoover upstairs as daughter and friend coming back to prepare for a party they are going to. - normality is still continuing on the outside at least. - actually thinking about it, probably reason daughter told me is because she feels a strength within me that has been lacking? - may well be because i do feel this inspite of all this 'stuff'. ummmmmmmmmm. more thoughts to chomp on. anyhow, thanks for encouragement on CBT, v good timing i suspect! best to you :)
Basta
January 22, 2012
Things come always when you are ready for it (and it doesn't mean that you feel or know that you are ready) so you are probably right that maybe the development you are going through has given her an impulse. And no matter what, if she shared the truth with you, it's a declaration of her trust and love for you. It's always great to be standing in a bad situation and having a mom beside who would want to help. I wish I had a mom like that... I never told mine anything really personal because she'd just let me down :(
cleanandsparkles
January 24, 2012
hey basta, thanks for reinforcement - re trust declaration. feels good to think of it in that way. - lots going on. - . am in bathroom about to have quick bath and typing by candlelight virtually, mainly because b/f here and snatching a quick private 20 mins where i can log on here!! - if he knocks on door will have to cut-off... still in meantime things going ok. - daughter v hot and cold at moment - not just about this but about everything. - teenage years. - hope all going well for you too - unfortunately have to dash but have missed this outlet, will have to find way of doing it more overtly. not ready to share about this site yet, may cause complications. humm. anyhow right now it is for me. and this feels great. :)
cleanandsparkles
January 24, 2012
basta, also wanted to acknowledge your comment re: your mum. and sad face, you said you are a mum - i bet you have changed history. personally i think that is what is is all about. doing our best. i fail miserably lots of times, ie getting it right but i never give up - guess that counts. :) thanks again :)

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