quitting the picking

well, todays the day for CBT session 1. - eeek. - i am really hoping that the woman is clued-up on stuff like picking. - must admit am not particularly looking forward to having to sit opposite stranger and expose myself - mentally (not physically!!!! - blimey that would be scary!). - thing is i am hoping to learn some techniques for dealing with fears and general strategies so that life can be a little easier. - am prepared to work and give it my all because: - a) I want to find more peace within my turmoils; - b)I want to be a positive role-model for my daughter and - c)in order to do the previous it is imperative to continue NOT picking. Have been doing much more housework which is crackers as even though i love having clean, tidyish house, keeping it that way is another matter. i have a dog who sheds fur like crazy, all year, not just in molting season. - feel disheartened when i have hoovered and then she wafts by and distributes a blanket of new white furry bits, still she is worth it as she is great, with a capital G. - its v calm in the house today as 'partner'/boyfriend or whatever (we are meant to be getting married, but i only want oaths, not all the legal stuff) has gone (he lives 101 miles away - or 101 barks as we say in dalmation speak). - although i love his company i must admit i do feel i need the peace of my own company sometimes. - he stays 4 nights and is away 3, on average. - this is quite a good ratio. he wants to move nearer, or move in but i am adamant that this will only happen once daughter finishes school and he is complying (just). - i have a thing that i find it really hard to be a mother and 'partner' at same time, this way i can just about manage to merge it all so that it works for all of us. i would never compromise relationship with my daughter for a relationship with a partner. my b/f is someone who i knew from childhood and we got together last christmas in a reunion. still amazes me as i was determined to be single for ever as had not had successful relationships in past. oh well. do love him - first time in love. now i know what all the fuss is about. have only had crushes/lust or versions of before. - Think actually that being with him has enforced a shift in the picking initially as quite literally couldnt do it with him staying over. - also felt yuk with sores/rashes everywhere. Vanity definitely played part in conquering the need to quit picking, but MOST of all it is for ME. i literally could not continue with the way i was. - desperate was putting it mildly. well - am still so completely gobsmacked that i have been pick-free - seems incredible. incredible. know that surrounding myself with positve stuff is part of it. it is being selfish to a degree but i am sticking with true friends only - vital, ie. people i absolutely trust (not told them though, about picking i mean). i have had a school friend who to be really honest i have never really felt good about. i would often pick after a phonecall with her, meeting up with her and even thinking about past-outings, or future meetings with her! - for some reason have kept in touch and now i have made decision to think of me in this - no more contact. believe me she will be fine, irritated maybe, but fine. anyway thats it for now. onwards and upwards as opposed to downwards and backwards. - thanks to this great site and all of you as always. :)

Hello, I am new to this forum. I recently have come to the realization that my skin picking is more serious than I ever thought. I am 48 years old and have always been a picker. I went to the dermatologist thinking I had hormonal lesions or acne. She put me on antibiotics and Albatax and said I needed to get hypnosis for the picking. My skin has not cleared since I pick and I constantly have open wounds on my face and back side. I started taking Adderall for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and mild ADD about six months ago. My picking didn't start then but I do believe it has been exacerbated. I am at my wits end. I am thinking about taking an SSRI for the OCD. I didn't even know it was OCD until recently. I just used Retin A to hopefully dry up the lesions...I need some help. What are some solutions which have worked for any of you? I appreciate all of your feedback...

hi. well i havent written since last thursday when i was about to whiz off for a 'much-looked-forward-to' C.b.t. session. - since then i have been somewhat perplexed. - at first, during the session i felt that there was zilch connection between myself and therapist, and i still maintain that. i must say that part-way through i almost got up and left. howevever, what would that solve or achieve. so i stayed put. - thing is i have had therapy before and always felt a great rapport and safety factor (apart from one - when i was late-teens, she was quite elderly and fell asleep!!! imagine what that did for my self-esteem at the time, it took me years to believe that therapy could be a positive experience!!!). - anyhow since last week's appointment with this lady i have almost used the 'disappointing' cbt session as a challenge. i am so determined to get well, i will get well inspite of anything, and keep well. - this is a priority because if i am good in my mind then i can get on with using it as it needs to be used, ie practical, positive stuff. - this in turn enables me to enhance health of body and spirit / soul. i found that my picking used to infect my mind and make me so bloody miserable and unable to function properly, in any area. now i am out of the cycle i am aware of how appalling it was, even more than i KNEW it was. - i would feel happy only when i hadnt picked - and those times were so few!! could dwell on this now and feel sad at vast time lost - but no - i have been a SLAVE for long enough. so - C.B.T. - well, cannot really comment on how effective it is yet because i am still working out how to make it work for me. what i did do though was come back from the 'far-from-what-i-hoped-for' session and i looked up C.B.T on web and found a statement that really, really, and did i say - 'really'? - spoke to me. i am going to type this out because it hit home. it has empowered me. - here goes. . . . . . . . . . . . . 'THOUGHTS cause our FEELINGS and BEHAVIOURS - NOT external things, like people, situations and events. The benefit is that we CAN CHANGE the way we THINK to FEEL/ACT better - even if the situation doesn't change.' - .......................... i suddenly thought yes, - to a massive extent i am in charge of my destiny. - i want happiness and this means appreciating the simple things. - I am going to ressurrect my 'Gratitude Journal' and fill it with things that i am grateful for. - when i did this a few years ago i was doing it whilst desperately trying not to pick - now i am going to do it as an XXXXXXXXX - picker. i have gazzillions of gratitude. - due to past picking i have lost hair (twice), lost friends, relationships, jobs, opportunities, nights out, days out, holidays, time, priceless opportunities of laughter with my daughter growing up, been ill with infections, high temperaatures, and more, and more and more. - Right now - no way am i returning to those dark enslaved years, no bloody way. - end of rant. there, feel better now. - i have missed getting in touch with myself here. it is a key for me, a key to new beginnings. :)

ok. I have had a full-on day today. however i have had an epiphany. another one! - todays is - I am going to realise my potential. Until very recently, due to the picking, I did not feel i had any potential. - any good feelings i had about myself were instantly quashed once i gave in to picking. I could not sustain good feelings because i was always so ashamed of my habit. i would feel so much self disgust and feel so controlled by it that it prevented me achieving very much. I am having glimmers of what I could possibly achieve now because i am able to do so much more with my time because i have more emotional energy available now that i dont spend hours lamenting about - how bloody awful i feel, - how bloody awful i look, - how bloody disgusting i am and how it is going to be the last time ........... it was always the last time but i never made it beyond a short time span. This is by far the longest and this is by far the most different and ironically the easiest! Why? because I have somewhere to come - here. somewhere where i can be ME. this is vital because i have not really had a space in this world for just me. dont know why that is? i have friends but even within friendships there are certain expectations, limits/boundaries and however much i care about them i have no wish to delve in to the murky depths of my PAST picking habits with them! - i do however feel liberated that i have spoken more freely about the scratching element with partner. thats good. he has no idea of the extent of the 'story' - he just knows i scratch a little when anxious. the scratching is not the issue, just a fragment of the remains of my x-coping strategy. I had second cbt. this session the lady was so much nicer, the barriers seemed to dissolve and i felt much more able to get across how much i wanted to find positive replacements for the future. i need support around me right now because there are so many things going on. - some of these involve my daughter. i so want to do my best, absolute best to rewrite history. i will leave it here now because i feel good to have written these things. i am sleepy. .....

hummmm. not sure what to blab on about this morning! dont mean to sound flippant but guess do feel somewhat up-in-the-air. and im not in a plane, im in bed. being lazy - however i have an excuse of sorts - my daughter stayed away for night and hence a v quiet house, - except for barking of my terror-terrier jack russell. she is fab as she barks at random but also at any suspicious noises, and i am not good with suspicious noises. - Night time is always a little tricky for me - i have an over-active imagination and can turn a squeek into a gang of hooded men trying to crowbar their way into the house! - nightmare. - I have always had to have a light on somewhere in order to sleep but am always on alert. ok, yes, there have been times for no explicable reason that i have managed to overcome this, but on the whole, its a trait which goes back to forever. - funnily enough it is more acute when daughter away, even though shes tiny, it is just another good presence in the house, it helps. - bizarrely, last night ended up sort of not alone since nightly phone conversation with 'partner' concluded by us keeping our phones connected and going to sleep together at other ends of the country! - i could hear him snuffling/snoring away like a little gerbil, and went off to sleep, comforted, knowing he was on other end of phone. - at 4.00 a.m. i heard him cough and we had a little chat and although both our batteries were low we kept them connected until the morning! - he is great in so many ways. dont know how he puts up with me sometimes, i am not an easy person. i do have qualities (not easy to always acknowledge this!) but i am high-maintenance on a trust level. i have zilch trust in truth and faithfulness with relationships - however i am working on trying to find these elusive qualities. i do think he is the nearest and most likely candidate. i HOPE he is the nearest and most likely candidate! - so, re: picking, i am still pick free, scratching a little now and again, on back mostly, but zero bothered about that. - i am feeling a little grim physically due to a) infection and b) antibiotics for the infection. only another 3 days to go. phew.. roll- on 3 days. - so for now, over and out - and thanks for being there. :)

Just came to site and hadnt logged on and thought there were no new postings, however it was just that they dont show up unless logged in - duhhhhhhh. i am a little slow sometimes with technology. today i am checking in with what may seem trivial to some, but what i realise is vital to me - i have, have, have, HAVE to act on something pretty immediately or i can create a massive, huge, vast, mount-etna-ish volcanic-kind-of-a stress around it. eg. this morning i received two letters, one addressed to previous tenant (who was a little dodgy) and second letter was regarding a Sun holiday confirmation. the first was about a direct debit payment request whatsit and i immediately started projecting about identity theft, etc and remembering all the other debt letters i have received regarding this individual; i got scared about the possibility of losing my property, etc. - these thoughts went from 0-50,000 in precisely 5 minutes!!! - the thing is - this is precisely why i picked. i could not recognise what was happening with these thoughts. i did not catch the thoughts before they escalated and reached the 50,000 mark and ABOVE. Thoughts, mine anyway, can take on a life of their own - whoosh. before i know it the thoughts are seemingly factual. so without even leaving the spot (haha - unfortunate use of word!!) where i am standing - in my mind - i have lost my house, have no home, ive got all his debts, im in court trying to prove my innocence, etc. - please believe me, i am not even usually aware of all this happening - but i am now. oh heck i am getting to understand my head - ouch. Second, re holiday had an invoice for £239. - thing is i expected it to be only £34!!! - old me would have stayed in that spot (previously mentioned :) and gone in to a major drama - well actually i did. i started crying! - i had a quick drama, feeling like id been ripped off, horrid feelings of betrayal and injustice (mad!!) - etc. - HOWEVER, guess what? - THIS TIME, i got on phone and sorted them both out. just like that. yes i had the drama in my head first but i acted on it practically rather than stay in it. i pretty much guarantee it would have got me picking eventually if i hadnt taken action. i used to take a lot of action in my head, sylvester stallone and bruce willis had nothing on me! - but in reality i was pretty lacklustre. now i am having to be more active. previously i could be active on the RARE days when i hadnt picked but i had no control on when they would be. Now i am getting more confident on being able to look forward and know i will be 'ME' on that day, not just a shell of me. I just want to end here with a note of sincerity. seriously - if i can do this, the way i was, so utterly controlled for so many years, never ever believing that i would find a way out, ever, of the picking-hell, then there is hope for anyone. i know we are all different, its just that i tried everything, seriously, (except medication as my mum was on stuff and it never helped so it is a route i never went down - even though i have had prescriptions). the pit i used to be in, regularly, daily with the picking is a long way from where i am now. i am probably doing a bad job here of wanting to say to anyone who may be trying to quit - keep going. keep believing. truly. its a real commitment, but lets face it, we are all used to making commitments arent we? i feel for us all. i know how much effort goes in to all the hoping and trying to manage it all. i am so respectful of our different ways of coping, it fills me with such heartfelt wrenches when i read some posts by us. we are good people doing our best. courage and strength and love. :)

hey. wanted to come back here and add some thoughts. its helpful reading the ups and downs of so much familiar stuff. it has helped through good and not so good times. i am still doing great but i can not lie and say its been easy. - there have been moments where the temptation is almost, i repeat ALMOST unbearable. but somehow after failing to stop for years and years, i have stayed stopped. ???? i can barely believe it sometimes, especially considering the stress that has arrived from nowhere. - this is perhaps the biggest shock. - i did think i was a fairly relaxed person. no. no. no. - not anymore. - But ... i would rather be stressed and dealing with it than revert to how i was. ........ - I am treating giving up almost as a career. i take it seriously in that i am careful to do the things that help me in a positive way. - if i am honest, the best thing was firstly finding not alone with this, second has been getting the feelings out. I was doing this regularly here but felt that maybe i was taking up too much 'airtime' on here and was aware that i needed to share personal stuff so started a journal on another site. this has really helped me. cannot explain what gives the healing power. - dont know why the process of typing out my feelings acts as a release mechanism - all i know is that it does. reality is that since iv stopped the picking-sabatage my thoughts have rampaged. - there are too many for my head to retain .... The other method im using is a CD for specifically relaxing my body, - again, because the picking used to relax me (ONLY positive about it) without this 'addiction' i now find my muscles lock in my neck, shoulders and forearms. Unfortunately i cannot hire a permanent masseuse (! if only) so i listen to cd at least twice a day. (boring sometimes but it does trick). - I have a wam bath with a couple of drops of essential oil and because it is antibacterial, etc i dont need soap. - i need to drink water because it makes a massive difference to skin (think of us as being like plants - we need quenching). - i used to use huge array of products, latest this and bloody that. - realised that most of it made it worse. - i now use - NOTHING! - literally bog-all. ............. thing is my skin has never been better. I do have to eat well though because if i eat ready-made stuff or fried foods it just gets reflected in my complexion. - Another thing is walking. - fresh air is amazing as the process of getting the body working as best as possible helps it regenerate. - however, i must add, i love walking with someone if i can. - good, genuine friendships. A great chat with a friend with a good giggle is a remedy ( usually after ive got the grotty stuff out in my online journal!) - Lastly, pistachio nuts and a comedy, or something cheerful. I do need to keep hands occupied so oranges, or whatever keep me out of mischief. .......................... love this site - encouragement to everyone :)

just popping on here to update some stuff. i am still doing journalling, nearly every day and pouring out my feelings. i do it on a 'sister' site to this, a private journal section. its healing. it feels amazing. some days i just start with insignificant stuff and before i know it, out comes some incredible insights to how i have been operating. - especially concerning my perceived 'truths'. - thing is they are not necessarily THE truth. just my perception. - this is what i am dealing with the most, changing my perception. - my perception is often what made me pick. - there is no doubt to this. - i would feel something and believe that 'feeling' to be how it is. - recently time and time again i have had this disproved. - i am now starting to challenge negativity very much by looking more at EVIDENCE rather than feelings. it is helping enormously. i am still pick-free and doing so much with my time. - trying new things, treating myself - booked 2xtheatre trips, v excited. i often think about these treats but somehow dont actually do them. now i am rewarding myself more and more, not just with material things, not at all, i mean small things, a picnic, a coffee, a dvd, a bask in the sunshine, dressing in prettier clothes rather than grabbing jeans (love jeans though). - just little things that add up to make me feel special. - why not? who does it help if i dont? - no-one. it feels good to like myself. i find it amazing that i spent so many years as my own worst enemy. literally hurting and attacking myself - not just physically but my internal voice was so harshly critical. not now though. i treat myself well. i respect myself more. it helps me stay stopped. i dont pick. i attack all areas i can, positively, to stay stopped, i just dont attack myself, that was part of the problem. curing this self-criticism has been part of my success. :) there is usually not one key to the cure, there are several. it takes each of us a different set of keys. i wish you all strength to find yours.x