i look like shit.......

This fucking thing finally has a name, that sucks and has increased my anxiety ten fold. I just get completely lost in myself. My latest episode is the worst by far. I dont want to even look in the mirror because i become totally obsessed, then an hour later I have weeks of healing ahead of me which causes stress and anxiety and im picking within hours. I try to stay to parts of my body that i can cover, but then my face gets in the way. I must hate myself. I like to mutilate parts of my body, it releases SO MUCH PAIN and ANXIETY and feels so good that I think of myself as a freak. Its not just my body, I want to pick whoever will let me get carried away. You have a sunburn and are peeling hmmm... let me help. Your back itches? let me help. I beg my husband to let me pick, so after 10 years he finally has set specific rules which i dunno if that makes him an enabler or helpful. I've done/do meds/therapy for years. I have recently stopped seeing my therapist because i feel like shit with my relapse and cant own it. 6 years clean... until I put myself in a situation i wasnt strong enough to handle. Im a stay at home mom with two kiddos. My hubby works out of t help things at all. state for months at a time. I've become this recluse and make excuses to my kids for not wanting to go anywhere because i look like a GODDAMN FREAK Recently i had an episode where i picked my breasts and chest to the point where it looks like a fuckin cheese grater. When i look at the damage which is several times a day i pick the scabs and look for the smallest imperfection to pick some more. I am damaged but i know i have some life left in me somewhere. Depression is a total mind fuck that has imprinted struggle on my forehead which seems to be the only place that is clear. My struggle continues as i reach out to you. Yesterday I was just self mutilating, today it has a name and makes me want to start a leg project. FUCK. Admitting self defeat sucks.