my progress

no picking (: but i feel like im breaking out. im starting to think my breakouts are linked to emotional stuff. on thursday night i was really upset and freaking out, now its sunday night, when i washed my face i noticed a few new spots. i think it takes a few days for that kind of thing to show up in your skin, so it would make sense. that would suck though, because my emotions are a little bit crazy and hard to control. not in the greatest mood this evening ): but staying strong.

i had a moderate relapse this morning. i feel horrible and guilty because i made a commitment to some people. but the most notable thing is that i picked myself right back up afterwards. usually when i pick in the morning i skip my workout and just get in the shower, then hide at home all day. today, after my session, i rinsed off my face with some cold water and proceeded with my day as if it were any other day. i worked out, made a smoothie, showered, did my hair and makeup, and got on with my life. im upset that i picked but im more proud of the way that i dealt with it. i have been eating healing foods all day so hopefully i will have a quick recovery. i made it 12 days, not too shabby.. hoping for another good run.

today i feel pretty good (: i cleaned my apartment very thoroughly and i just feel so nice and comfy now (: im optimistic. i really want my face to look nice, and i have to keep reminding myself that the only way thats ever going to happen is if i just stop picking !

no picking today. im itchy in the spots where i picked a few days ago but it just means healing so im being hopeful and happy (:

had a relapse yesterday morning and it was pretty awful, but all you can do is get through it and move on. i havent picked since yesterday maybe around 2 ish. i pretty much cant look in the mirror without crying, i made such a mess of my face, but i know its downhill from here and im putting the best possible things into my body for healing. im really into whole, raw foods and also giving my body the nutrients it needs through foods rather than supplements. i also believe that what you put IN your body has a million times more to with what happens to it than what you put ON your body, so i guess thats how i stay so optimistic. even if my face looks totally like shit, my body feels good and happy because i am giving it the fuel it craves, and doing all i can to have a speedy recovery (:

i relapsed again ! what is wrong with me??? i have been taking care of my body more than ever, but for the last week have been in a pattern of picking every third day. its depressing. i have been noticing less inflammation and quicker healing, but everytime i pick i know i am causing more and more permanent damage to my face and it is seriously breaking my heart. i am so desperate. how am i going to get over this ?

trying to keep my chin up. im so depressed that i picked again. i look at myself in the mirror and my skin all over my whole body is beautiful and glowing and im grateful for that and it makes me feel so good... but people dont see me naked, people see my face. i have to get over this. i want to look like a healthy person, i feel like because of the way my face looks, people just think there is something wrong with me. if i could just stop for 2 weeks ! i would be so happy and so much better looking. i am so excited for august 10th, niko got us tickets to see lamb of god and dethklok. thats like the concert of my most intimate fantasies. i wish i could make a goal for myself to not pick until then, but i know i would only be dissapointed because i would fail.

i picked again ! i need so desperately to get out of this rut im stuck in. i have picked 5 different times (4 diffferent days) in the last probably 8 or 9 days. this is freaking killing me ): im gonna tighten up on the rules. no more looking at myself in the mirror before my workout in the morning. that will be hard, but if i can do it, i will be a million times less likely to pick. i will cover it with a towel every night before bed. also, no more face touching in the mirror even if its not picking unless i am washing my face or putting on moisturizer or doing my makeup. no eating of any foods that make me feel even the tiniest bit crappy or guilty or not good about myself unless it is a weekend and niko is there to keep an eye on me ( sometimes eating bad makes me feel anxious and i pick). i need to de claw myself (cut my fingernails down to the skin) twice a week. preferably monday and thursday mornings. ONLY EXFOLIATE IN THE MORNING !!! that one is key for some reason. a lot of times when i exfoliate at night the next morning i wind up picking. its stupid. i get so down when i pick but after a few minutes or sometimes a few hours i remember that it will get better. the sooner i stop picking, the better it will get, and faster ! i take care of my body in so many ways but then i pick and its like im just sabotaging myself. like i dont really want to feel pretty or comfortable with myself, but i know i desperately do ! im making a hard copy of my rules to tape onto my bathroon mirror. i hope i can do better this time.

got through the rest of yesterday and had a very good morning ! followed my rules for the most part and not a spot picked ! im feeling good and optimistic and wanting to look pretty so bad. im SO close ! since ive been eating really well, i heal like 4 times faster. it is crazy.

did good this morning (: which is good, and i have to keep it up because i have some binding engagements this weekend that i cant really bail out of just because i feel ugly. i have been thinking of my positive attributes today and its making me happy (: i think im very pretty, and i think my face has the potential to heal almost back to perfect flawless skin ( even though it may take a few months). i have some cratery scars in my cheeks but they have lightened up a lot and are not that deep at all, ive seen a lot worse. the rest of my face has some pigmentation scarring, but i think that will go away over time, and there are some scabs and blemishes on my face but i am so on the right track ! (: (: (: (:

im so happy that im doing better lately (: the biggest help for me is keeping the mirror covered in the morning until AFTER i workout. mornings are my worst time for picking. i think it helps to know when you are most likely to pick so you can be extra careful at those times ! another thing is, i think having a healthy diet and lifestyle has the potential to be a HUMUNGOUS help through this battle we are facing. when you take care of your body and fuel it with the right things, atleast for me it has helped to control my stress and anxiety so much, and the times when i feel good and happy are better than ever before. when i treat myself right with my diet and excercise, i am encouraged more than ever to also be nice to my skin and not pick !