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vix , 26 May 2012

Really struggling

Hey guys I'm really struggling at the moment. Always picking at my face and hating myself immediately afterwards. I dont know why I can;t stop myself and this is my biggest regret. I know logically that I should leave my face alone but I just can't seem to listen to myself and I'v just come away from a mammoth session now and feel absolutely rock bottom. I just don't know what to do anymore. I;ve struggles with this for 10 years, all my adult life and I feel as though I can no longer live like this. My face looks awful and the worst thing i knowing that I have done it to myself. What should I do guys? I need some support and some help to kick this habit. Please reply and let me know I;m not all alone. I'm in a bad place right now. Thanks and good luck to everyone else struggling with this vix
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vix
May 26, 2012
Only a few hours since posting but I have managed to go that time without looking in a mirror or touching my face which is a big deal for me. I have made an awful mess of my face today and the urge to pick further in order to correct it is almost unbearable. Im having to really fight my urges and thought Id post on here to distract myself. Might end up doing that a lot whilt attempting the road to recovery again. Good luck to all struggling. vix
Sarah-108
May 27, 2012
Hi Vix, I saw the comment you left on my post from earlier. Listening to the way you describe things, you are a lot like me. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try, I always have to pick off the pieces of skin I see that are dry. From reading this post, I also see you pick more in order to correct the mess you've made even though you KNOW that will only make it worse. That is exactly what I do! Personally, I haven't done as well today, but I still have yet to make a post on my progress. Don't get me wrong, my skin still looks way better today even after picking off the scabs, I just wish I could have resisted. I had let my scabs dry up enough so that there weren't any gaping red marks underneath, but I know that because I picked them off today there is going to be a thin scab/layer of dry skin that grows over top because it hasn't completely healed. I know your boyfriend gets upset when you pick and that can't be easy for you. I know my boyfriend gets upset too, but only because he sees how unhappy it makes me. Yesterday I was completely fine during my brother's grad and the barbecue we had at my grandparents, but as soon as my boyfriend and I got back to his place I was a mess. I couldn't stand the feel of the makeup on my face, so I took it off right away. After I saw how horrible it all looked underneath I got really upset. When I got back to the bedroom I didn't want him looking at me and then ended up crying when I crawled into bed. All he did was curl up behind me and hold me. He may not completely understand, but I know all he wants is for me to be happy. It's hard for me to understand why he loves me sometimes, but I know that he does. I will continue to post on these boards, just as I feel you should, but if you ever want to get in contact with me my e-mail is sarah-108@hotmail.com.
vix
May 27, 2012
Congratulations for doing so well at your brothers graduation and the barbecue. I stayed in all day yesterday despite the lovely sunshine because my face was such a mess. I hardly slept last night and have woken to see the awful damage I did to my skin yesterday. Really wish I had left it alone but know that I can't go back in time to change that. Have woken with the dry, crusty was that just begs to be picked off but am so far resisting the urge to pick at it. Am trying to go all day without obsessing over it in the mirror or picking, I really hope I can succeed. I have a wedding to go to next weekend so trying to use that as motivation to leave it well alone. Usually don't succeed at this but I'm hoping that this forum may help me a little. I'll probably come post on here if u am fighting my urges. It's lovely that your boyfriend cares do much for u, use that as motivation to stop picking. No doubt I'll be back on here later to update snd hopefully with good news. I dread having to go to work tomorrow looking like a monster and that's why I'll want to pick- to try to look better for tomorrow when really the only thing that will make it any better is leaving it alone. Take care, talk soon. Vix
skreed29
May 27, 2012
sending love and happy thoughts your way ! i know exactly how it feels to be right where you are, i have even been almost suicidal because of my picking. i know its hard, one of the hardest things ever to deal with. all you can do is think forward. it WILL get better, no matter how it feels right now, i promise, it will get better. it will get so much better that one day you wont even think about picking and will feel so beautiful !!! you already are beautiful, im sure of it, but arent you excited for the day that you FEEL beautiful ?! the only way to get there is by doing all you can to get over this silly compulsion that we all have to pick at our skin. good luck ! times a million ! please try to think positive !
vix
May 27, 2012
Back again. really leaning on this forum during my attempt to stop picking. Feel like some kind of drug addict fighting my addiction and not knowing what to do with myself and only thinking about one thing- picking and how I can;t do it. feel as though I will fail any minute but so far so good. Every minute until sleeping tonight will be very tough. good luck to all. vix
vix
May 27, 2012
24 hours without picking. Proving very difficult now as I know I have to go to work tomorrow and have awful red scab on my chin and no way I can cover it so will be on full display all day tomorrow which is really hard for me as I normally hide away after a picking session but don't have that luxury tomorrow. Hate people bring able to see the damage I've done to myself. Determined not to pick tonight, aiming for 48 hours now. Fingers crossed. Good luck to all battling this horrible disorder. Vix
vix
May 28, 2012
36 hours without picking. Have a very tough 10 hours coming up as I will be at work and my horrible scabs on my face will be visible to everyone I work with. I don't think they will judge me other than a quick look at the mess I've made and think oh that's bad but then I'm sure we'll just get on with working but even though I logically know that I'm still very very anxious about going to work. Can feel my heart really pounding. Oh dear. Positive side is I definitely won't pick at work- won't have time and would never risk making it a whole lot worse whilst around people. I'll try to focus on positives. When I get home from work I will have reached my 48 hour goal and will set a new goal! Good luck everyone, I know I need it! Vix
vix
May 28, 2012
So I'm at work and have made it 6 hours so far. Only 2 more hours to go. It hasn't been easy but it actually hasnt been as hard as I feared it would. I'm ashamed of the way I look but am trying to portray to everyone that I don't care about it and it is exhausting to pretend to be ok all day but I have managed it so far. I'll have to consider this a small victory as I would usually gave hidden myself away when I look this bad but I've managed to actually get on with my life even if it was a bit tricky. Have not even looked at my face all day as I know there's no point as everyone has already seen me looking so terrible so what does it matter if I look in the mirror or not. I know myself and I know that because I've been ignoring my face all day as soon as I get home I'll want to pick and mess with it so that is my next hurdle- to try and resist picking when I get gone tonight. Fingers crossed.
vix
May 28, 2012
Thanks skreed for your words of support. I too once felt suicidal from this problem. Wrote a note and everything and really just wanted it all to end. I don't think I could ever go through with anything like that though- thank goodness. Not felt that low for a while but still in a dark place. Today half my scab fell off at work and I didn't realise cos I was ignoring my face but must have looked ridiculous in front of everyone! Looks a little better now- smaller now anyway! Still fighting the urge to mess with it. Fingers crossed I can last the day. Good luck to you and to everyone out there dealing with similar problems. Vix x
Sarah-108
May 28, 2012
It's good to see you made it through work. :) I'm really proud of you! If you wouldn't mind me asking, how big is the mark on your chin and do you have any others? I woke up this morning and of course the first thing I did was look in the mirror. I really don't know why I had to pick last night because my skin actually looked half decent even though it was scabbed up. I am learning I would much rather a colourless scab than ugly red marks. I know I should go to my course at 4pm (another 6 hours) without makeup, but I swear this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I just know what's going to happen if I try to put makeup on. It may look "okay" for the day or at least less visible, but it's just going to make my skin more visibly dry tomorrow and then I am going to want to pick. I really should have gotten rid of my tweezers. One step at a time though. = / I will most likely see my boyfriend Saturday night and when I think about it, I just want to look good for him. If I can get through looking bad for the next 5 days just so I can look fabulous and confident on Saturday, it would be worth it.
vix
May 28, 2012
It was actually a little success today making it through the whole day at work. I did feel proud of that. It was not easy but it was not as hard as I thought it would be. Getting in there was tough but as soon as everyone had seen me I just sort of got on with things. I didn't forget about it but it didn't bother me too much. The scab was red and quite large, maybe 3cm with dry red skin around it. Very obvious. It is about half the size now which is good and will hopefully encourage me to lave well alone as this seems to be healing itself. I have other scars all over my face from picking but they have faded a bit and dont bother me much now but are still visible. If make up makes it look better then go for it as you will have more confidence to go to your course. I dont but make up on mine because it always ends up looking worse but if it looked better I would cover it with make up. I think you will be able to find the strength to go to your course as the peopl there are strangers and in all likelihood will not judge you at all but even if they do you never have to see them again after this week. Really focus on having nice skin by the time you see your boyfriend. i am very confident that if you resist picking all week until you see him your skin will be 1000 times better so use that as your motivation. good luck. keep me updated. vix
vix
May 29, 2012
Made it to 72hours now without picking. Looks ok. Very itchy and red area now, its flatter and probably a bit less red than it was before but I was hoping for more improvement by now. I wont be disheartened though It does look better than before and I really want to continue leaving it alone but its tough to know what to do with my hands. I actually havent even washed my face for 72hours because I just wanted to leave completely completely alone and now I'm not sure if it would be safe to wash my face yet, just dont want to mess with it. not sure what to do about that. might give it a gentle wash with just water before bed. not sure.
Sarah-108
May 29, 2012
I totally know how you feel about washing! I've made it 37 hours so far now, but I'm scared to disrupt the skin because I can feel how dry it is. By not washing that area I'm also keeping my skin moist. I have washed the bottom of my face below my eyes though. I feel there is no harm in washing the areas of your face that are not near the spot you are trying to avoid. I am feeling a little bit anxious right now because I have to go to a place at 3pm to sign up for a 3 week course that will give me all of my construction certificates for free. I am a nursing student and there's a job called safety watch I can do for the summer for an easy $24/hour after I have my certificates. I also have to go to the mall at 2pm tomorrow to write a quiz for a management course I am taking during intersession. I can't write it in class because it overlaps with my bartending course, but the lady who is teaching the course is the manager of the mall. It makes me nervous to see her like this because she is such a gorgeous woman even after having kids. I also figured that seeing her tomorrow was better than seeing her on friday when I know my skin will be very dry. I want friday to myself to let my skin undergo the final stages of healing. On Saturday, I have to go out to my mother's cabin for my brother's birthday, so if everything works out okay this will be the perfect timing to see my family. I just have to add that my skin is also very itchy. I think that is the worst part of this all. I actually went to bed early so I wouldn't scratch because I wanted to get rid of the itch so badly. I also have to ask out of curiousity, but where are you from Vix? You seem to be living in a completely different time zone. I am personally from British Columbia, Canada.
vix
May 30, 2012
4 days without picking - very pleased! Tough day today though as my skin is sooo itchy and I think that means its healing but very difficult to resist. Notincing a definite improvement in the redness though as leaving it alone has allowed it time to heal itself and the redness to fade. Only a very small scab left which I am desperate to pick off and thats what I would normally do but am trying my best to resist and let it fall off of its own accord when it is ready. I usually pick the scab off and get left with yet another scar on my face but I really don't want to do that this time. Staying strong and staying positive and am seeing some improvement so that is motivating me to stay strong. Good luck to everyone else on their journey to stop picking. Stay positive and know that we can control this and we won't let it control us any longer.
vix
May 30, 2012
Ok so just washed my face because it was getting abit grubby having not washed for 4 days. made my skin and scab very dry and started to peel away. I started to pick at that skin for maybe 2 minutes but then stopped myself and thought what am I doing.' I had to pull myself away from the mirror and come straight on here. I just lost myself in my old habits, so easily slipped back into my old ways and didn't even realise what i was doing initially. Very upset that I started to pick but actually pleased that I managed to stop before any damage was done because I'v never been able to do that before. So even though it was a failure on my part as I did pick it was a bit of a success as I managed to stop myself. I had been thinking about getting the tweezers out to pick the skin off but that never goes well and I managed to stop before it came to that thank goodness. skin a little red where I picked but as of yet cant see any major damage. Disappointed but it could have been so much worse. No longer 4 days without picking which is shame but I will start again from no and attempt to go even longer without picking next time because now I know I can conquer it. To everyone out there - stay strong and don;t give in to the urge to pick, but if you do, forgive yourself and know that you can and will do better next time.

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