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soembarrassed , 08 Aug 2012

Ruining my face

I am 40 almost 41 and for the last 3 years have been destroying my face. Any little bump i pick at until I am left with an open wound. These wounds used to heal fairly quickly now they take months. They start to heal and I CANT STAND THE SCAB OR FLAKES OF SKIN so of course I pick at those. I really need to stop this as now I am starting to get scars, which then I pick at thinking if I can get that little raised uneven skin picked off then problem solved - no more scar. That is not the case. You then have an open wound all over again that starts healing with scar and all. I cant tell you how many times I have called in to work with one excuse or another as I am too embarrassed to be seen. I have even gone to lunch and picked and called in some "family emergency" that I have to go take care of as not to return. I cant stand the feeling that there is a spot light on every little mark. I constantly watch people's eyes to see if they are looking at my marks. This is so ruining my life. I never want to go anywhere. Cancel plans all the time. My friends tell me I am being parinoid that you cant even tell there are marks on my face. Who do they think they are kidding? I have mirrors (which I look in at least 100 times a day) I can see them, so I know they can. I really dont know why I started doing this. The best I can figure is when I started seeing this guy and felt that I HAVE to have perfect skin or he would not be interested. I know this not to be the case as scabby marks or not he always wants to do something with me. I cant tell you how many times I have backed out of plans with him just so he wouldnt see the mess of my face. I am at a lost on what to do. How to stop. How to heal. I really dont want to spend the remainder of my life with band aids on my face at night trying in vane to heal the mess I have created. Any tricks you all have on healing these nasty marks, or stopping the urge to pick would be greatly appreciated and welcomed.
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soembarrassed
November 04, 2012
I do the same thing. Make a little tiny spot.... could be dry skin or a little tiny pimple into a quarter sized sore that takes months to heal. I make my skin look hideouse.(sp) I am very vain that is the root of my problem. Pick then try to fix the damage. Cycle I cant seem to break. I will let you know how the rose hip oik works if it ever gets here. Hopefully this week. Good luck at work tmrw. Hope your day goes well. Yes I count you as a friend :) and you have one in me as well! ;)
soembarrassed
November 05, 2012
Well another 9 hour work day feeling like a monster. You know this spot would not be so bad (yeah right) if it was not shiney. WTH is up with the shiney skin. And if it was just a little flatter and more even. I am trying (not very well) to not let it get to me...but damn it is hard. My little spot I sit in at work is sooooo bright. I want to just sit here in the dark. That would make my day. LOL. Plus we have a goup meeting every morning where everyone gets together and goes over what is in the works for the day. Damn I hate those times. There is this guy at work that I cant stand that he sees me like this. We have lunch every day. He is my best friend and I just dont feel like I am up to his standards. I look like a damn monster. He does not say anything and acts like he cant even tell I have a demonic spot on my face. But come on I know he can and it has to bother him just a little. Although I do not think everyone analyzes everyone elses faces like I do. I wish we could post pic's on here then you would all see. I am starting today...again....no picking. I am going to heal this spot (hopefully by Dec 7th when my work christmas party is) once and for all. I am not going to care if there is a scar as long as it is healed. Can I do it...probably not...put I am going to give it my all. So Day 1 - I know it is early - no picking!!!!
MysteriousSunshine
November 06, 2012
I wanted to comment on your recent posts. I have been exactly where you are several times. Do you think that your work and it's stresses might contribute to your picking? It sounds as though there is a lot of anxiety of surrounding the group meetings and your co-workers. I worked at a job previously where there was absolutely no hiding - ever. There were bright lights, lots of co-workers and customers constantly circulating. It was an open concept office, so if I had a picking episode - I had no choice but to be out there for everyone to see - or call in sick which I did far too often. It was truly difficult at times. Fast forward a year later, I got another job which allows more privacy and the flexibility to work at home on the odd occasion. My picking is still on-going (boo), but I feel "slightly" less pressure. The other item that I wanted to mention was the fact that I truly believe that as pickers we notice much more than non-pickers. Yes, your co-workers may notice the odd spot, but they don't dwell on it and likely don't think twice about it. They are probably more focused on you as a person, not just your physical appearance. I recently broke down and told my husband about my picking. It was terrifying and embarrassing. He said that he honestly didn't notice. The only thing that he noticed was the fact that I would disappear for hours into the bathroom - leaving him alone. He would also get concerned that I was sick and something was wrong. Now I realize how picking is robs you of so much valuable time and energy. I wish you the very best of luck on not picking. Going to your Christmas Party without worrying about your complexion is a good goal! You have my support! Best of luck!
soembarrassed
November 06, 2012
I talked to a couple women at work yest about my insecurities over this one spot. You know what they where all like..."we could not see anything until you pointed it out. And now that we do it just looks like a dry area of skin" Hmmm really? Seriously? They where more concerned that I was hiding out not my chipper self and thought i was angry at them for some reason. Not angry at them but at myself. I am beginning to see that people really dont care. It is all me worring what others think.
hope2heal
November 06, 2012
Hi, I made my first post yesterday (Picked for years but only just become aware of CSP). I'm looking for support so could really use a reply. I'm amazed to know there are other people going through similar stuff. I have got rid of my magnifier mirror. Need to ditch the sharp-ended tweezers too. Been telling myself I need them but I don't do I? I told a friend last night that I have dermatillomania, in an effort to promote honesty. Far from freaking out and making me feel embarrassed, she admitted to scratching in the bath and scratching her boyfriend! Seems we all have our little secrets. Thanks for reading. xo
soembarrassed
November 06, 2012
Hope2heal - you are not alone. We are all going through it. I can not tell you how many times I have thrown out my tweezers (they are evil things) just to go buy another pair as I would go through anxiety not having them...lol. I had 6 pair at one time. Yeap 6. Now I have 1 pair. The other 5 are hidden from me by my daughter. I do not use a magnifier mirror as that would drive me insane. Just getting up close to my mirror in the bathroom does enough damage. I am on day 2 of not picking. I am taking 1 day at a time and rejoicing and celebrating just getting through that day. It is not easy. I have one spot that I am trying to heal. That demonic mark has been with me since June as I can not leave it alone. But I am determined to let it heal. A friend suggested using rubbing alochol to dry it out. I am trying that as I think I was keeping it too moist and it would not heal. So I am putting rubbing alochol on it at night a couple times then I am letting it air out at night. It does seem to be helping. My fear is that it will dry out to much and I will start picking at it. But I am going to try my best not to do so. It looks so much better after 1 night of night slathering on neosporin and or sudocrem. Just remember we are our worst enemies. What looks horendous to us looks like a minor..yes minor mark to others. The girls at work told me yest that this spot I am obsessing over looks like a tiny dried area of skin to them....really I was floored as I think it looks like a big red raised flakey mess with a spot light on it saying look at me! So hear is to healing...stopping...and getting on with our lives!!! We can and will do it!!!
hope2heal
November 06, 2012
Thank you soembarrassed that means a lot. I have several spots that I pick and pick and pick and then wonder why they won't go away. Sometimes they heal but by then I've found a new one. Some are existent, others not so much. I have taken the advice on here to use calamine lotion. I'll let you know how i get on. In terms of prevention, the bathroom mirror at work is proving to be a real problem, as I go to the bathroom quite often in the course of the working day. Any ideas? :-S I am determined to make some progress.
soembarrassed
November 06, 2012
Well hop2heal no answer on that one as my mirror at work sucks me in as well. I just got back from lunch and just detroyed my face. Went to wash my hands saw a piece of flaky skin and of course I could not leave it so I pulled it off...now I have a red bloody hole. Was looking ok (not great) but ok up until then. Now I have to sit here for 4 more hours feeling like crap waiting to go home and hide. I hate this! The feeling of shame. The feeling that I let myself down again. Sometimes I just wish the earth would open up and swallow me.
hope2heal
November 07, 2012
Aw, so sorry to hear that soembarrassed. Please don't beat yourself up. Just stay strong and keep trying. I am realising that we have to celebrate the small achievements and accept and move on from any lapses. I had a really bad morning yesterday as I'd self-harmed the night before (1st time in a year) -oh yeah, I've been self-harming since I was 16- but then I told myself that it doesn't matter, ok I had a little lapse but beating myself up about it can only make things worse. I'm still picking my skin, but a little less. So I have to try and focus on that improvement. I have a rolled-up bandage at work now that i'm using as a fidget toy and sometimes stroke it on my face instead of scratching my face- I don't give a hoot what my colleagues think of it! Anyway, please know that you haven't let yourself or anyone else down. You have helped me and you should give yourself a pat on the back -or better yet a hug- for that.
gypsygirl14
November 14, 2012
I just found this site too. I both consciously and unconsciously pick. I am super mortified by both. I wonder if people see my picking in public and are grossed out, and I know my face and scalp look way worse than they would if I would just leave them alone! I was depressed as a kid and teenager, and I even did do some cutting at one point to deal with emotional pain. I am now a very emotionally balanced person, but I can't seem to stop picking. My face breaks out due to stress, and oh the irony, I can't keep from making it worse! So glad I'm not the only one.
hope2heal
November 15, 2012
Hey gypsygirl14. Isn't it a relief to know you're not the only one! I was feeling like such a freak. In fact, recently I've told a few of friends casually, in an effort to be more open about it. And guess what? Many of them have similar things! One scratches in his sleep, one scratches in the bath (neither of which are dermatillomania I know, but still...), one picks her split ends which is a mild form of trychotillomania. It seems we all have our little secrets! So please don't worry about what other people think of you. Most people wouldn't notice because: a) it wouldn't occur to them (i've had many episodes of self harm and it's amazing the excuses people believe (e.g. I fell into a blackberry bush), i think because that seems more plausible to them than someone hurting themself, OR b) they have a similar thing themselves and again, don't think anything of it. I also feel emotionally healthy but can't... stop... picking... especially my face, which is the one area i'd like to leave alone! Do you think that picking could be a hangover from previous emotional pain?
soembarrassed
November 06, 2012
Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! Stop obsessing! Stop Obsessing! That is what I keep telling myself - over and over and over
soembarrassed
November 06, 2012
You know I would like in the very near future to be able to come home wash my face and to not have to put some sort of healing cream on my face!
SpottyFace
November 07, 2012
Hey girl, How was your day? Awful here...I hate getting those sympathetic looks. I'd just like to be able to go to work without being embarrassed. Actually, what I would really like is to be able to stay home for a little while (more than a 2 day weekend) so that I can allow myself to heal in peace and privacy!!
soembarrassed
November 07, 2012
Dang I just wrote a big huge response and the dang website bombed....so here I go again. Shorter version. My day was just as awful. I know what you mean by the sympathetic looks. I hate them. I wish I did not give a rats as what other people thought...but that is not the case. I to wish I could stay home for a few weeks. Maybe in a coma where I could not move and pick...pick..pick. That would work!!! As if I was at home those 2 weeks with idle time I would probably cause more damage. We have 2 months to heal and beat this damn compulsion. So that we can live our lives without shame...embarrassement and self pity. I am sick of this phase I am going through and it ends today. Are you with me girl? Day 1 (for the 100th time...lol) NO PICKING!!! Sudocrem on my spot at night to calm the pinkish/redness and help fade to a normal color. Polysporin in the am to help blend in the dryness!!!! I will do my makeup light mineral powder as that is all I have right now...no concelor as I think that just settles into the uneveness and makes it more noticable...and that is it....NO touch ups...no messing with it....I am also going to try not to look in those demonic mirrors 1000 times a day..As that is just to damn depressing! Weekend will be a makeup free 2 days to let my skin breath. Undecided yet if I will put anything on this spot...I will see after the next 3 days....Here we go!!! we are going to do this!!!

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