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goal orientated , 10 Aug 2012

mission begins today to quit dermatilomania after a decade

Hi. I'm an adult. Should know better. Even teach Psychology and always research treatments. But I have been struggling with wrecking my face for no less than ten years. Today I want to quit. The reason? People at home believe I will never make it. As a high achiever, I am gona try to succeed with my face. Yes i will keep relapsing. Yes I will keep getting up after the fall. Feel free to join the mission. I'm gonna make it by the time I marry my partner. Although he knows, I want to be a better version of myself. Goodlcuk to the rest of you too :) x x x
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goal orientated
August 11, 2012
DAY 1: did I pick...not like usual. Instead I resisted the urge four times within the same bath time and eventually could not ignore the scabs on my face as I needed my skin smooth for make up in the evening (event). Replacement idea: I knew my nails would cause holes as they often do even though I trimmed them all off last month. So I took a dry cotton pad and used it in a buffing motion withoutttt staring at my actions in the mirror till i disposed of it for a second. My face was wet at the time due to being in the middle of a hot bath. It did bleed but it was short lived. Not the usual prolonged way. Pleased: Yes! Even with the bleeding, because I avoided the trance. Also the depth of my usual holes were not matched any more. I barely scrached the surface. Just rubbed it witha cotton pad to buff the dead skin. I don't want to go cold turkey immediately because I know I will spring back with a vengence after feeling the need for an outlet eventually. I am proud of myself even though my family are still shouting at me for something as simplistic as just not listeing to their stop picking rule lol. Little do they know. I told them to research my condition, yet they said it was no condition. I simply don't listen. Lol. I am still pleased with myself.
soembarrassed
August 11, 2012
That is a good idea. That right there is the reason for my continued picking...to get my skin smooth and even. I am trying calamin lotion as it is really helping with the redness however i have noticed that it also drying which is not good for me. I want to pick of the dried healing skin. But i am determined not to. At least with calamine lotion on i can just say that i have some bug bites that are itchy lol. I dont think anyone is buying it but a least in my mind i feel better. The hardest part is going to be going out today to a friends to pick green beans with no makeup as he is the type of person that will make some smart ass remark. My kids a very supportive. They say you can not tell or see anything unless i point it out. Which just astonishes me as i look in the mirror and the scabs and redness are all i see. Going to work is the hardest for me as i am involved with a guy there and i just hate him seeing me in this condition. I know people think i am rude because i just cant bring myself to look anyone in the eye. I am trying to have a....it is done move one attitude but that is not easy. I am very vain about my appearance and care and worry what others think.
goal orientated
August 12, 2012
Aww thank you for your input. Was feeling unbothered as I thought no one would read my updates. I have been reading that Savron rapid healing is a cream that allows wounds to heal without the scabs. Shall we try it? Seems approx. £3 from Boots. Day two: picked but for aesthetic reasons i.e. to remove scabs. I was not feeling emtional. Was so gentle that I barely grazed the top pf my skin. Pleased that I have taught myself to stop 'man handling' my delicate aging skin. Received compliments from family for a change. Seems like just this once the picking did actually improve the unsightly look of dried up scabs and red blood accidently forming overnight. I look better than I did yesterday. I hope no more scabs form because I have two more dinner parties to attend. The first one being tomorrow! Somehow scabs look horrendous with foundation.
soembarrassed
August 12, 2012
I have not heard of the savron. Are you going to try it? I am currently sitting here with neosporin and sudocrem hoping for the best. I know what you mean abt scabs and foundation looks horrible. But i feel i also look horrible without it. So i never know what to do. I tried calamin and that seem to make it more scabby.
goal orientated
August 13, 2012
Day three: did pick. What can I say! My chin is annoying me. Always the same place whereby make up looks more visible as my non-made up neck is CMs away to highlight the contrast. Nonetheless I still try a natural concealed look. Though my skin beneath it is hideous I often get called a model. I wish I wasn't living one big lie about my real appearance. Going out in the evening was okayish as I did a scrub and mask which made my skin beautifully soft in minutes. Clearsil 3min mask. Highly recommend the fruit version. If I pluck up the courage to go shopping this afternoon, yes I might try Savron Rapid Healing Cream. I live in London so it can be found at Boots. Soembarrassed, are u in a different country? PS. Wicked that you faced the world head on. I might knick that tip to force myself out... Xxx
valentine
August 13, 2012
Goaloriented, I'm in the States but spend a portion of every other month in London, anywhere from a week to three weeks at a time. Have you researched any support groups for skin picking on your side of the pond? Just wondered if that might be something worth looking into... There's one here in Manhattan but I haven't gone to see about it...
goal orientated
August 14, 2012
No luck in London Valentine. Unfortunately the therapists here are not as as advanced as American practitioners. The GPs here are unaware too as they put it down self harm and nothing habitual. It's a wonderful opportunity for you to take advantge of your location. Good luck xxx
soembarrassed
August 13, 2012
Yes I am in the US - Michigan. That is why I probably have not heard of Savron Rapid Healing Cream. They probably dont sell it here. Wicked is right!!! I am not going to lie and say it was easy - as it sucked. But I am trying. Today at work has been really hard. But I am doing it and plan on doing it all week. I keep telling myself that I am still the same person everyone likes at work, regardless of what I currently look like. I am in high hopes I only have to look this way for a few days....then these scabs will fall off and my skin will be a little more even. X fingers. I know it has to go from bad - to worse - to better - hopefully better will get here fast!!!! lol And worse better not hang around long!!!
goal orientated
August 14, 2012
Soembarrassed, your skin seems lovely for you to reveal it at work. Mine can not even be revealed whilst throwing out the bin or hanging the laundry on the washing line. Also, I think you're in luck at an office. I stand infront of numerous individuals presenting for hours on end. Do you mind me asking your profession just out of interest? I wish I had your courage. X
soembarrassed
August 12, 2012
It was very hard...but i survived. With minimal makeup...Was a little better going out today but not much. So embarrassing but i acted like nothing was wrong. Looked people in the eyes...smiled and inwardly groaned and cried all day. Not looking forward to work tmrw as i am not healed very much. Minor set back washing face. Instead of patting my face dry i rub it without realizing i had done so...reopening some healing wounds. I was in a hurry i guess to get out of the bathroom and wasnt paying attention to what i was doing. How did you do today??
goal orientated
August 14, 2012
Day 4: picked scabs. Same old ones repeatedly. Chin. But now a lot prettier to look at. Kinda frustrated that I still won't have a full day of refraining. I am hoping when my holidays end, work will force me in line again the way has in the past. A bit miffed to be honest. Angry at myself. Feel rubbish despite looking way better than i did a few days ago :( feel pathetic.
soembarrassed
August 14, 2012
I know you are angry with yourself...but you can do this. Hang in there. You are beautiful...hold your head up....smile and you will feel so much better!!!! That is my new goal....to look people in the eye...smile and get through the day. One day at a time. It made me feel yest posting on here through out the day what I was feeling and what I was doing. That way my fingers where busy and I was not looking in a mirror. Chin up!!
goal orientated
August 14, 2012
Thanks, your words are sweet when you didn't have to make the effort with a stranger. I am having my worse scratching day since I starting this forum. Feel like... I wish i was someone else. Not me. Sick of myself. I hate the way I am. Even my twin insults me for being this way. I hate myself. I hate that people compliment me on looking like a model when underneath i look like a disaster. I hate myself. Hate myself so bad. Why me. Any liking for myself and appreciation is just my pity that only I know the struggle i go through each day. I hate myself. I dont evn wnt my partner or family to meet me. I'm too predictable. I say i will try, then struggle then wreck myself. Today it has been in reponse to insults about the way i am. Constanstly being assessed by my family is upsetting. I wna b alone so that no one can see me anymore. I have changed my workplace so that i go to places where no one knows me anymore. i wna b a different me. For today though, i hate myself for being a chronic skin picker. Idiotic and plain stupid. Hate myself so much.
soembarrassed
August 14, 2012
Ok that needs to stop!!!! Hating on yourself is not going to help you. You have a disorder... this is not your fault!!! If your family and especially your twin can not support and help you through this then they do not deserve you. They should be there to help not bring you down further. If they can not help you stay away from them. You need support not criticism. Please know you are special just as you are. I am sorry if I am coming across as being harsh it just upsets me when family wont be supportive.
goal orientated
August 14, 2012
Okay I'm sorry for being derrogative to myself. I am going to accept this as falling off a horse so tomorrow I just need to get myself back up again. I just feel low when my condition is used in arguments with remarks like I am mental and I need to have my medication again. I used to be on mediation for depression. Then I went to qualify as a Psychology lecturer. Now I teach. Thank you for being on my side and pulling me up. You're one in a million. Xxx
goal orientated
August 18, 2012
Day 5: picked a little bit but without any negative consequences i.e. pulling off scabs that were ready. Paid for fully face threading. The woman yanked out the entire front of one eye brow! Annoyed so my attention keeps going towards my eyebrows now when I use the mirror, instead of my skin. This could work in my favour...
goal orientated
August 18, 2012
Day 6: So close! Didn't pick all day till late evening when I felt offended about how others viewed my skin. You see I went to the beauty parlour yesterday but had to leave without make up unexpectedly, so soldiered on with some shopping. I was brave and strangely confident as my hair and clothes looked nice. Yet then bumped in to big sis who was horrified to see me so comfortable exposing my scars. Moreover, she gave my twin a look which suggested she should have known better than to let me expose my skin. I recognise that look. So does my twin who ignored it. Only one member of the public stared in to my face. I had a good response from the public overall despite having approx 50 old scars. I am trying. I don't need frowns to stamp on my short-lived confidence.

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