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Sarah-108 , 03 Sep 2012

Really in need of some support :(

I want to start off by saying that after I joined this forum, my skin started to get a lot better. I am a fellow picker, but I've never met anyone who picks the way I do. I used to just pick around my chin when I was younger. I had cystic acne, so that made it a lot worse. After I went on accutane however, a majority of my acne went away. I needed something else to do, so I began plucking my eyebrows. Eventually that became my obsession and I started to dig in order to grab even the tiniest of hairs. I believe I have a problem with trich too (and have for about 3 years) because I cannot leave the hairs alone. Of course this has left me with multiple scabs, which I in turn pick to create even larger scabs. In 2 days I am entering my second year of nursing, and have been doing so bad these past couple weeks. I have a lot of anxiety about seeing everyone again, so I have been picking like crazy. My one eyebrow area has a bunch of scabs that are slightly joined together, but they are smaller, and although they bother me, these I can normally heal. My other eye on the other hand consists of one huge scab that has become joined due to multiple pickings. It is a huge patch the length of half of my eyebrow area. I can't believe I have done this to myself again. 3 months ago I struggled, but I was eventually able to get to the point where I didn't feel the need to wear coverup on my eyes when I went out. I felt great, and to be honest, it was quite freeing. Right now I am feeling like an anxious nervous wreck as well as a failure. At least my boyfriend doesn't come home from camp until the 17th so that gives me time to fix this disaster before I see him. My self-consciousness has almost broken up our relationship in the past. I think it made me unattractive to be with and we've been together for over a year. He is the most understanding man in the world and I know I'm lucky to have him. That doesn't mean I don't want to feel pretty for him. What's even worse than the scabs right now is that there are 2 spots underneath the scab where I plucked hairs. Those spots have turned into sore painful lumps. I believe this is due to inflamed/infected hair follicles. It's hard when all I want to do is dig at the spots to "try" to make them feel better. Of course I know this is the wrong thing to do and that is why I haven't. I just feel like such a mess right now. Why did my eyebrows not bother me a few years ago? Why did this just become a problem after I started plucking? It's like every hair that grows below my brow bone now looks like stubble. If I could go back, I would rather have kept big bushy eyebrows. It would not have caused me nearly as much grief or insecurity. For once in my life I want to be able to pluck like a normal person without causing this mess. After I'm done with my schooling and am not in student debt, I am hands down getting laser hair removal. It's the only thing I can think of that will solve this problem. I can't look at myself in the mirror, I can't let others look at me afraid of what they see. I keep my room dark, and would rather go out at night than be seen exposed in the daylight. I feel like I'm going back into that place of depression. I don't want to leave the house and I want to sleep all day. I don't know how I'm supposed to face the world on Wednesday. :(
14 Answers
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Emmi
September 04, 2012
I honestly feel your pain. My biggest places to pick is my face, I pick it so badly to the point it would get infected and and become this big pusing wound on my face, close to my lips, on the middle of my cheeks and on my chin. My boyfriend, who is very understanding, loving and non judgmental, started to avoid kissing me, because my skin got so bad. I started using anti bacterial cream, within a few days my skin would start to heal, If i didnt pick. The urge not to pick was so difficult, I would try to resist it all day, then by lunch time, it would take over and I would spend my entire break (which is an hour) picking my face, using twisers to do so. I eventually gained some control and managed to leave it alone for 2 days, the cream started working wonders. I would run my fingers over the top of them cute and have to spend 15 mins sitting telling myself its getting better, Leave it alone. My suggestion would be, do what ever it takes to leave them to heal. Once they heal, consider waxing them to keep them nice, cause lets face it, every girl should be able to keep there eye brows trimmed, its one of those things to help us feel a little nicer. Waxing them will prevent the digging, and will also get any of those small hairs you dig for. Try and look at the for a distance, not up close, this will help with any urges. Good luck with this, I hope you achieve your goal. I believe you can do it :)
Sarah-108
September 04, 2012
It's good that your boyfriend is so understanding. Mine is too, although he never comments or questions about my face anymore. Before he knew what I did he'd ask me what happened and I'd get really upset. To a normal person though, that's a legit question of concern. As a picker on the other hand, I like to pretend that I'm the only one that can see what I've done. As soon as I realize other people notice too, it's that much more upsetting. I have used polysporin cream in the past for healing, and I think I should probably pick some up again. The biggest thing for me is that even after my eyebrows have healed, the skin still seems to be so dry. I can tell because whenever a new hair grows in again after I think it's all healed, it appears to be popping through the dry skin as a bump. Maybe I've never truly let them heal all the way even though the redness is gone? I just don't know how long it'll take for the dryness to go away afterwards. I really would like to get them waxed, but I don't want to do it until I know all of the skin integrity is back. My worst fear is that if my skin is still dry or something, my skin will rip off with the wax. :S And thank you for all of your kind words. I know what I need to do, I'm just scared of the process of getting where I need to be. It's a daunting journey and I worry about what will happen if I fail. This impedes immensely on my happiness and well being. Even today I cancelled dinner with a good friend on Thursday. My excuse: "It"s my first week back in classes and I have a lot of readings and work I need to do." Even when I'm really busy I always find time for friends and family. I wouldn't dare tell a friend that doesn't know about my problem the real reason for my cancellation however. I wish you luck as well and hope to hear about progress in the future.
Emmi
September 05, 2012
I know exactly what you mean, friends of mine started asking what was wrong, and were really concerned abut it, because it was all over my legs and arms at one point. I started telling them it was my eczema, which I do get, but that wast the reason for my skin being covered in cuts. Maybe try a moisturizer specifically designed for around your eyes, this could really help with the dry skin, I use face moisturizer every day. it will not only help with the dry skin, it will help with the healing process, because your skin will be hydrated. Once the redness goes down it will still be healing, you need to get it a little bit of time before trying to pluck your eye brows, Once its healed, even if there is dry skin, you can always go to your local beauty parlor and inquire about having them waxed, I find I get a nicer line when I get mine waxed. and I dont tend to be so concerned about this tiny hairs that I cant see unless I'm up close. Ive never had a problem with the skin ripping off, but you can always ask a professional if your unsure. :) The first step to over coming this, is to accept that its like this, and not let it get in the way. Why not go out for dinner with your friend, I'm sure they would love to see you! I know one thing that really help was surrounding myself with people who love me, and dont mind that I have a sore on my face or my legs or arms. Im sure they will still be glad to see you. After finding this forum only yesterday, I noticed this morning how clear my skin has become. You takes alot of will power, but its so worth it in the end :) You never actually fail at trying to stop, It may not happen the first time, but you gave it a try, thats not failing, it just means you gotta give it another go. Its like quitting smoking, I use to be a smoker, I use to say I was going to quit, and Id last maybe a day, I would have an emergency packet in my car, just in case.. It took my a year to quit it, but I eventually said to my self, What ever it is that Im getting from this, I no longer need it. I smoked my last cigerette on the 10th of Fed this year, and have never looked back.. Each attempt at trying to stop this, its getting you one step closer. Its never failing. You can do it :)
Sarah-108
September 05, 2012
Not quitting is not an option for me. Back in May my boyfriend and I were very close to breaking up over my skin issues. He did not find how depressed and upset I was attractive. I never wanted to go out anywhere or do anything. That's not how a relationship is supposed to be. That's when I first said enough is enough and started to shape up. I don't know what's been happening to me lately, but my anxiety is getting the best of me. It might sound like the smallest thing, but when my bf comes home from his camp job on the 17th, I want to be able to look in his eyes in broad daylight and lay next to him at night without makeup. I want to do all of this without having to worry about him seeing how marked up my eyes are. I will try to look for an eye moisturizing cream, and I will definitely be picking up some polysporin cream. I think if I put bio oil on at night that will help smoothen out my skin tone. I've picked for so long that when things do heal, the redness takes awhile to fade. I am lucky that my body does not scar easily or I'd be in trouble. My skin is so pail that pigmentation is more my concern. And I will not fail because I won't stop trying. I want my life back! I know that there are some major underlying issues I have to overcome because I've been a picker for 11 years. No normal person picks at their skin for that long without being able to stop.
Emmi
September 06, 2012
Your right, thats no way for a relationship, but breaking up will only make your situation worse, Im glad you stayed together, what you need right now is support, Loving caring words from someone who loves you regardless of the way you look, I can understand how being depressed and upset can bring your partner down, it happens with me and my partner, but its working on these things together that really helps, Your skin pigmentation will go back to normal, my suggestion try a Cover stick, its a green colored make up stick that you put over redness and blemishes, because of the color, it can blend into your skin, and well as counteract the redness, because as we all know green is the opposite of red, once that is on, you can use a light make up, the less makeup you use on damaged skin, the faster it will heal, wash it every night, and use moisturizer before bed, hydrated skin also heals faster. Bio oil can sometimes work, I didn't like the feel of being oily and it can get expensive, defiantly see if it works for you, because ive heard really amazing results about it. Im sure your boyfriend will still think your beautiful without make up on, and Im almost certain he would love to lay next to you with the lights on, regardless of the state of your skin, I doubt he's dating you Just for your skin, he obviously thinks your beautiful, and that's not going to change because you have damaged skin and not wearing make up, I know its hard, Ive had that battle myself, but as you become more comfortable in your skin, it will get easier :)
Sarah-108
September 06, 2012
I have one of those green cover sticks, I just don't think it would work unless the surface of my skin is smooth (no scabs). I try to only put makeup on when necessary, and when my skin was doing okay this summer, I would walk around without makeup on at all. I hate putting makeup on scabs. :S Right now I've let it get so bad that I have no other way. I only put it on around my eyes though. Since I stopped putting makeup on the rest of my face, it now breaks out a bit each time I occasionally do apply it. I still want to find a daily eye moisturizer and try bio oil during the night. After a bad sunburn I had this summer I had a bit of scarring on my chest so I actually went out and bought some. It's sitting on my counter. It's just a little bottle, but it seems to last forever. And I know regardless of what my skin looks like my boyfriend does love me. He's always been there by my side and made me feel beautiful. Even on my worst days he has no problem holding my hand, kissing me, and tapping my bum in public to show that I am his. I think if I can make it through this week my skin will look good by Tuesday. It might still be a bit dry, but oh well. I don't have class on mondays so my weekends are stretched out 3 days. That gives me more time to heal without makeup before school again.
ryn_ryn
September 04, 2012
I pick my scalp, and the back of my neck. I claw it until it bleeds and when it scabs I do it again. I can't start and I hate wearing my hair up or wearing tanktops for the fear someone will see it and comment on it.
Sarah-108
September 04, 2012
That's one of my worst fears... someone actually commenting on my red scabs or asking me what happened. I've had that happen a few times before. I just reply "it's a long story" and they normally let it go, but all I want to do is cry after I realize that people really do notice. =/
Emmi
September 06, 2012
My first reaction, Eczema. Eczema is an interesting reason because you can develop it at any stage of your life, and as quickly as it comes, it can go, using it as a simple way of explaining to people is really useful, if you come across someone who says "I have eczema and its not like that" all you need say is that you doctor has told you its eczema, maybe there diffident forms of it, which is possible to. Most people once you say its Eczema, will leave it at that. :)
skreed29
September 06, 2012
im here to give support (: i saw your pictures and from what i can tell, your scars arent so bad and you have so much potential to heal ! like completely ! also you have some of the most beautiful beautiful eyelashes ive ever seen, and especially your lower lashes are freaking impressive ! honestly i noticed them before i even looked around your eyebrows. when you are feeling sad because of your picking, just tell yourself you arent going to do it ever again (even though it might not be completely true) and move on with your day and love yourself and everyone around you !! and remember that telling yourself and believing it that you arent going to pick gives you a HUGE advantage. i think doubting yourself sets you up for failure, so believe in yourself ! i believe in me ! and i believe in YOU !!! (: (: (: and when we do pick, even though sometimes it seems like we need to punish ourselves somehow... its better to move on ! i promise being in a good mood makes you heal faster . you are beautiful and you gotta take advantage of it
Sarah-108
September 06, 2012
That meant so much to here. I'm not sappy or anything, but you brought a couple tears to my eyes. I know I have a lot of potential to heal, but in 3 years I have no left that area alone. EVER. I think I remember one time when everything was completely healed and there wasn't even a bit of dryness. I'm lucky in the regard that it's really hard for me to scar. You can see my chin in my photos. Would you have thought I had battles cystic acne in the are for 8 years and completely tore apart my skin? It was bad, way worse than my eyebrows. For me though, my eyes are the centre of my face and I hate seeing them this way. I have such a compulsion with the mirror and it's ridiculous. I posted some new photos tonight for day 3 and will continue on posting to keep myself accountable. I have 2 more days of school to get through, but then I have a 3 day weekend. That's when I'm hoping to do most of my healing because it'll give me time alone. Stay strong :) I love reading your posts every day.
skreed29
September 06, 2012
im glad (: i cry a lot of times when im writing or reading posts on here, haha. there is no shame in that (: skin picking is something that has had a huge affect on all of our lives and i think most of us have shared things here that we have never shared before, and can relate to each other in a way we probably never thought possible !

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