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Sarah-108 , 04 Sep 2012

Progress Report with Photos

Day 1: Let me start off by saying I had a well written post all done up until my internet decided to crash. :( Oh well! It's time to get a hold of this issue I've been having with dermatillomania once and for all. When I was younger I had pretty bad acne, especially around my chin (cystic), and this caused me to pick a lot. After I went on accutane, most of my acne went away, so I needed something else to do instead. I then started to pluck my eyebrows. I had the compulsion to dig for even the TINIEST hair, which caused my hair follicles to become infected, and scabs to form, which I in turn picked to form larger scabs. It is apparent that I also suffer from trich as well, but it only pertains to my eyebrows. 3 years later and I'm still dealing with this. I have been dealing with dermatillomania for roughly 11 years in total. I start my second year of nursing on Wednesday, and although I know my skin won't be better by then, I think I need to start my healing process.To start, I have decided to make a challenge beginning tomorrow. My challenge is to rid myself of tweezers and not pluck anything for 7 days in order to help with healing. After those 7 days, I will allow myself to pluck, but only once a week, and only pluck hairs that are fully visible. I will not pluck in the moment, which means I will make sure a sterilize everything before and after to prevent infection. Now I have my photos from day 1 to show you. I took them tonight and have not picked since yesterday afternoon, so some of the initial wound redness has gone down and scabs have formed. I personally feel like it looks a lot worse when I look in the mirror. Photos don't seem to emphasize the dryness of the scabs, or the swelling underneath my one eyebrow due to infected follicles from plucking. It's horrible I know, and this will be next to impossible to cover with makeup on Wednesday, but I have to start somewhere! Stay strong! PHOTOS: 1 -http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4489.jpg 2 - http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4485.jpg
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Sarah-108
September 04, 2012
Day 2: Today is the morning of day 2 and I feel obligated to admit that I picked last night. :( I need to remain accountable. I don't know what on earth compelled me. I wish I could get to the bottom of why I do it, but today is a different day and it will only get better from here. Starting today I won't be plucking for a week. If I can get through wednesday - friday, I have a 3 day weekend to allow myself to fully heal. I'm hoping my skin will look better by next week. Anyways, I'll post again at the end of today to let you know how I've been holding up. We all just have to stay strong!
Sarah-108
September 05, 2012
So throughout day 2 I've definitely run in to some troubles. I'm going to flat out admit that I picked today. It didn't just end after last night, but I am telling myself that I have to stop. I'm going to my nursing classes tomorrow, and a huge part of me is dreading it, but the other half of me wants to see all of the people I've missed during the summer. I really don't know how I will react once I get there. A lot will depend on how my makeup works tomorrow. I'd rather be camouflaged then walk into school looking the way I do now. It's a horrible thought knowing everyone will see me, but on a good note, my boyfriend won't be home until the 17th, so that gives me roughly 13 days to get my act together and have pretty skin for when he comes home. :) I think I'm going to pick up some polysporin cream to help with the healing, and then after all of my scabs are gone I'll start applying bio oil to even out the skin tone around my eyes. I've had troubled with my skin drying out a lot even after I think everything has healed, so the bio oil will help with that too. And what does everyone think about this? What if I stop plucking completely, and then after my skin integrity comes back, I go and get my eyebrows waxed? I'm really concerned about my skin coming off with the wax because of how many years I've been messing with the skin in that area. That's something I will bring up with the lady doing them so she has a better understanding of what my skin is like. Wish me luck tomorrow guys. I am feeling like a nervous wreck, but sometimes you just have to do the things you don't want to. I think I'm going to start increasing my water intake too. I have been really bad lately and have to start treating my body more like a temple. Here is my photo for day 2 http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4497.jpg I want you all to know my one eye looks a bit funny because it's really swollen. I have 3 hair follicles that got infected and they've left 3 cyst-like hard bumps. They'll die down in a week or so, but they're really annoying. I also have a spot on my nose and 2 on my chin that I know better than to pick, but I have been. I don't get pimples as often on my chin anymore, so it's more of a rare occurrence for me to be picking scabs like these. I'm not hiding who I am, so I am showing you my whole face. I want to be able to document my progress along the way, so I can look back and see how far I've come. :)
Deimos
September 04, 2012
I'm inspired by you, Sarah, I am going to stop picking my cuticles and face. Sometimes I don't even know that I am doing it until it starts bleeding! I guess tomorrow will be day one since I already completely messed up today!
Sarah-108
September 05, 2012
Awe, I'm glad. :) I know today is day 2 for me and I honestly haven't been doing good. I have to go to my classes tomorrow, so this has got to be the end of my picking. If I see one imperfection I have to fix it by picking at it and that only makes it worse. It's almost as if I think the mark will disappear if I just take the scab off. I only pick when I'm in the mirror, but once I start I can be in the bathroom for hours. I know this is hard for both of us, so feel free to let me know how you're doing. I'd love to hear about your progress. =)
Sarah-108
September 06, 2012
Day 3: I want to let everyone know that despite not feeling comfortable leaving the house this morning, I actually had a good day. My afternoon class was cancelled, so after my class in the morning a friend convinced me to go trail running. All I could think was "oh no" because I don't like to exercise when my face looks bad, but it was actually really fun. We went for 7-8km and it relieved me of all of my stress and anxiety. I'm also starting to drink my water again and eating a lot healthier. I had a long nap this afternoon though. I don't know why, but I began feeling nauseated later in the afternoon and was throwing up. It was a good thing I hadn't eaten a whole bunch (some tomatoes, garden carrots, and some apple slices), but it still sucked. :( I'm feeling a lot better now and trying to get all of the hydration I lost. I did pick today, but only a bit. I had some funny huge scabs form from putting my makeup on, but believe it or not it looks better now than it did before. I did not pluck today, so I've succeeded my first of 7 days. I felt so lost this summer with not much to do, but with school in session again, I'm seeing more people and I feel like I have a purpose again. Weird, I know, but I'm still happy about it. So again, today was not a pick free day, but it was not a bad picking day. It was only the one eyebrow I touched. The other I have left alone for 2 days, so that must count for something! Day 3 PHOTOS: 1 - http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4519.jpg 2 -http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4543.jpg
Sarah-108
September 07, 2012
Day 4: I don't have a lot of time to post an update tonight, but I wish I was doing better. :( My one eyebrow area is okay (dry, but not red and pretty much healed). The other I can't stop picking at! I have to go to class again tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I can't wait for my 3 day weekend because if I include tomorrow, that'll give my skin 4 days to heal. I'm hoping that'll be enough time for a scab to form and fall off naturally since my picking is pretty superficial. Why does this have to be so hard? I wish my skin looked like everyone else's, but it doesn't, and I'm stuck with this mess until I can let it heal.
Sarah-108
September 08, 2012
Day 5: I know it's already the start of day 6, but I just wanted to let you all know that day 5 went okay. I'm starting to feel a bit better now, but I am still struggling. I have to start over with my 7 day no plucking goal, but I have to be honest, I didn't expect my skin picking issues to go away just like that. It's a process and a journey. I have to remind myself that I am not a failure when I take one step back because I am consciously making an effort to beat this. Every day I am moving one step closer towards success. This has gotten the best of me for 11 years and I can't let this take over my life any longer. I am growing tired. Dealing with this has taken so much energy and spirit from me over the years. I know I have not posted any photos for the past 2 days, but I will make sure I upload one tonight. I just started my second year of nursing school on Wednesday and have been constantly busy ever since. It's kind of ironic... the girl going to school to become a nurse has a skin picking disorder... The last thing I want is for my patients to ask what is wrong with my face. I want to be able to go to work care free, with makeup, or no makeup. I shouldn't have to hide anymore. I can't believe I am actually tearing up right now, but for those of you who are going through what I am, I'm sure you understand. This has been such an emotional issue for me over the years and it makes me happy and scared to finally be putting up a fight. It's not like I haven't tried to quit in the past (or attempt not to pick every day for that matter), but this is the first time I've tried journaling about my process, or really tried to figure out the underlying issues. I hope everyone is doing well and I will post again in the evening. :)
Sarah-108
September 17, 2012
Day 14: I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I wanted to let you all know that I have not given up. Things have been hectic since I went back to school for my second year of nursing. I think my biggest struggle for the past week or so since I last posted has been getting out of bed to go to class. When I feel like my skin looks for crap I don't want to go out, but school is something I don't have a choice with. There are some labs I can fail if I miss a class and that would set me behind a whole year. I would much rather suck it up even when I don't want to. On a good note though, I have managed to do some healing. I think going out to our family cabin for the weekend helped. It's on a small remote lake with only 4 other cabins, so I don't really have to see other people, but having my family around helps keep me in check. The biggest motivation for me lately though has been my boyfriend. He's coming home tomorrow after being out at camp for 3 weeks and I would like to look good for him. It's hard to feel sexy with wounds and scabs all over your face. I am super excited to spend some time with him though. :) Our relationship has had bumps in the road these past couple months, but I'm learning the biggest thing I have to learn is trust. There was a point in July where I feel he was second guessing whether we should be together, and since then I've always been more wary and had my guard up. It doesn't help that my friends, as well as step dad and father have stories about guys when they're out at camp. I guess a part of me feels insecure and I've always wondered if he would cheat on me out there. I think it's a deeper routed issue than that. I've always been completely honest with him and sometimes I think I've opened up too much in the past. We've been together for over a year now and he's seen me at my absolute lowest. I know this may be a whole separate issue, but I don't know how to give someone 100% of my trust anymore. I think my relationship insecurities cause me to pick sometimes because of the stress. Recently I got quite upset because when he goes out for weeks he doesn't like using the phone. He told me he's too tired and just hates the phone. I don't know what to think of that. He did redeem himself by calling me a couple days ago, but I think he saw how upset I was after not hearing from him for 17 days (except for the odd text usually in the evening). A 10 min call once a week is enough for me, so I guess we'll see if he can do that for me next time he goes out. On another note, I am posting photos today so you can actually see how I am doing. I have a couple little spots on my face, but my eyebrows are looking better. I think the combination of plucking and picking has destroyed them for life, but I'd much rather them be an odd shape than have red sore scabs and bumps above my eyes. If I can let them grow out enough I'll get them plucked. I hate how fast my hair grows. =/ That's a big part of the problem too. I'll try to post a little more often, but if you don't hear from me for a few days, don't be too concerned. I will always check in at some point. :) Photo 1: http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4568.jpg Photo 2: http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb121/sarah-108/Dermatillomania/DSCF4592.jpg
Emmi
September 20, 2012
I use that technique with my nutrition plan, I keep picture in my wallet of how I want to look and when I think about eating bad foods i whip them out, have a look and go for a bowl of Veggies or similar, its GREAT, works a treat!
skreed29
September 17, 2012
you look so healed and beautiful!!!!!! (: (: (: i can totally relate to the trust thing in a romantic relationship and in any relationship at all ! me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over 2 and a half years and i cant bring myself to tell him i love him. i have in the past, but im just not comfortable with it at this point. im a very insecure person, and even though he tells me he loves me and i know that he really does.. its hard for me to emotionally give myself over to him like that. he works third shift and this morning when he came home he was excited about something and couldnt sleep. so we put in a movie and just cuddled in bed and then he looked at me and said "do you love me yet ?" i said no, even though i think i do, i just cant say it yet. and then he went on to tell me that i should, because whatever happens to either of us from now on, good or bad, its something that we are going to go through together. its sweet to me when he talks like that because he is expressing to me that he has already decided that we will be together forever, and for the most part i believe it.. but there is this part of me that is so doubtful, i think to myself that i can never be sure of how someone else will deal with something because im not them. i think it goes back to my childhood and family relationships, but reguardless, i need to learn how to trust him because he deserves it !
Sarah-108
September 18, 2012
It sounds like you have a very good guy on your hands. :) I believe he loves you very much. It's hard for me because I have been cheated on before, and now that I'm with my current bf, I can't seem to give myself to him fully. Before me, he's never had a long lasting relationship, so I know some things are new to him (he's 23). I'm the first woman he's said he's loved and I believe I love him, but lately I have been thinking more about what those words mean to me. We don't live together and sometimes I wish he was more affectionate. I'm not talking about the big things, just the little ones. They're things I miss about our relationship. And you're lucky your man is so verbal about how he feels. With my guy it's like pulling teeth. Back when I mentioned that time in July, he wasn't honest about his feelings. It caught me by surprise because I had asked him a month earlier how he felt things were and he said they were good and not to worry. A month after that he admitted he'd been feeling different for 2 months. He asked me where I saw us in 5 years and I told him. I asked him where he saw us and he couldn't give me an answer. He went away to camp for 3 weeks after that and I thought long and hard about what I should do. I had planned to break things off until he figured out what he wanted, but a few days before he came back, he was very forward about wanting things to work between us. Before this I had told him that I wasn't going to be the girl that was only there for when he came home and that I wasn't going to feel used. I told him if he would be happier without us together, then that was what I wanted. The problem is that I've had a hard time trusting him since this incident. I don't want to fully let him in just yet. When I'm unsure I distance myself, because the more I have invested, the more I hurt. I've been trying to tell myself that whatever happens happens. People have been telling me my relationship is more one-sided and that he should be calling more and doing things for us. I'm still not sure if that's true or if I'm in denial. I don't think I am, but I have a life to live that I can't put on hold. I haven't checked yet, but I hope that job worked out for you! I have to start applying for a job, but I have been waiting for my skin to look nice so I feel more confident. I'm so busy with my nursing, but we do what we have to to make it work.

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