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CSPlease_Go_Away , 04 Sep 2012

Hundreds of "Cig-Burn Sized" Scars / Wounds... I've destroyed myself and my life :( Please Help :(

I'm 23 years old, my name is Michael. I have destroyed my skin and my social life by using my hands to pick all over my face, back, arms, butt... I've known it's a problem since I came across dermatillomania a few years ago, but it's only gotten worse. I can't wear short sleeve shirts without exposing the wounds on my arms. Each harm has 100-200 scars ranging in size from a small pen mark to a dime. It's really ugly. I'll post some pictures if you guys want to see, lol :) I try to stay positive, but the truth is that in the last 2 years I've destroyed my body and completely ruined my social life. I can't go out anymore. I was a handsome guy and now I'm just riddled with wounds and scars. It's started to make me depressed. Also, it induces stress and I'm afraid of what that will do to my heart and brain in the long run. Parts of me look like someone has taken a cheesegrader to my skin. I know a lot of people have CSP, but it seems very rare to have it to my extent. Especially considering that I've only been picking for a few years, I have done a rediculous amount of damage. I'm afraid I'll never again be able to do the things I used to love... like swimming, or even just hanging out on a nice summer day with my sleeves rolled up, or even just sitting around with friends without having to constantly be checking to make sure my scars / wounds aren't on full display. It's at the point that I don't hang out with my friends, and I don't bother trying to make new friends. I just keep trying to wait it out, but it only gets worse and worse. I'm afraid, and I don't know what to do. I have very little control over it. Sure there are times when I can bring myself to control it, but it's such a rollercoaster that it's impossible to avoid. The other day I was with my parents and gave my dad a hug, I was wearing a short sleeve shirt (which I now hate doing, even though I used to love rocking tank tops) and when I extended my arms my Mom saw my upper arms for the first time in god knows how long. She responded with some fear, saying "Oh my god Michael what happened to your arms?" I managed to play it off by just saying "oh it's nothing, they're fine" and she kind of gave me a look like "uhhh are you sure" but then I left the room, thankfully I was occupied with something else to get me away. I'm not sure if she "knows" or not. At this point it doesn't really matter, the damage has been done. Now that I keep typing, I'm not sure why I'm even posting this. I guess, desperation. I know I'm not alone, but I don't think most people have it as bad as me. Each of my arms looks like hell. You could draw hundreds of different constellation patterns between the scar pock marks. It's bad, really bad. To make things worse I've become inactive and don't like to go outside unless it's night time because of how bad it looks in the sun. I dream of escaping to a place where I can just take my shirt off and there will be nobody around to look at me, where I can just let the sun beat down on me and heal my wounds. A place where I can go swimming in a lake or a pool without having to worry about what people will think. I really wish I could find a place to heal, all on my own. I know this is impossible though, and everyday I wake up with one or two more scars and one or two more scabs, just adding to the total. It is painful, shameful, embarassing, chlidish, stupid, all of the above. And yet I am a prisoner to it. I fear so badly that I will never be the person I want to be, because of this. Please, help me.

16 Answers

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CSPlease_Go_Away

September 04, 2012

I guess there's no way to add paragraph breaks? Sorry folks...

skreed29

September 04, 2012

i think its very important and significant that you posted this (: its a big step.. quitting picking has proven to be on hell of a challenge but since joining skinpick.com i have made a huge amount of progress with it. the best best thing that you can do is try with all your might not to pick and if you do.. dont dwell on it. moving on and moving forward is so important for people like us. good luck (:

Emmi

September 05, 2012

Michael, What an achievement, You've taken the hardest step.. the first step. You've acknowledged the issue and have seeked help. Now you start your journey to recovery :) I had a battle very similar to yours, Mine were not as big as you have described, but they were most certainly in the hundreds, on each limb, my torso and my face. At the time I was also a smoker, my family and friends thought I was burning myself, they thought it was self harm and constantly questioned it, which made me pick more. My CSP was caused by anxiety. I was terrified that people would look at me and judge me, so I use to say "Look, I know I have scars and cuts, but its nothing to worry about" Most people would look at me and say "I hadn't even noticed". One thing that was always encouraging for me was remembering, not everyone is as concerned about it as I am. To kick start my healing process I first accepted that this is what is going on, I accepted that I pick and pick, it didn't make me feel any better, but I was then no longer hiding from my self. Which meant I can focus on no longer hiding from the world. I found anti bacterial cream that use to help, and I would coat them in it over night wake up in the morning, and continue to pick, I eventually saw my GP, he prescribed me some anti biotics to help heal from the inside out, I use to moisturize, because the scabs were less appealing to pick at if they were soft, and I started to go out in clothes that would show my scars, I went from pants and long sleeves to 3/4 length clothes, eventually I got to a point where I was wearing my shorts and singlets. Dont get me wrong, this process isnt easy, it has taken me 2 years to get to the point I am at now..

Emmi

September 05, 2012

Contiued...but its been the best thing I have ever done, you'll have moments of weakness where you'll start picking and picking and picking till your bleeding you feel mad about it, but one thing to remember is, it takes 28 consecutive days to break a habit, Start it a set goal.. Your not going to pick for 1 whole day, when you achieve that, say ok, Im not going to pick for 2 whole days, once you achieve that, Im not going to pick for 3 whole days, if in that time You pick, its not that you have failed, you have just had a moment of weakness, which is normal, we are human beings. Just start back at the number you last achieved, because you know you can achieve that. I never thought I could stop picking, or quit smoking, using that process, I have now stopped picking, and I had my last cigerette on 10th Feb 2012. The best way I found is to find something to distract your self. I used exersize, when ever I felt anxious, Id go for a walk. Its really helped. I wish you the best of luck with your journey, and I look forward to reading about your progress, please keep the forum up-to-date with how your going and Please feel free to contact me for support and encouragement :)

CSPlease_Go_Away

September 05, 2012

Hi Emmi, Skreed, Thank you for the kind words. The support means alot, knowing that there are others who are going through / have gone through the same thing. I appreciate it, and I am trying to move forward with accepting the damage I have done while trying to prevent any further damage. It is hard to do, when everytime I shower or look at my arms I am reminded of my owns stupidity. Meh.

Emmi

September 06, 2012

A tactic for dealing with seeing yourself naked, because showering is something everyone has to do, and unless you shower in complete darkness, there is always a mirror, rather then looking at your self in shame and putting your self down abut it, look at your marks and imagine how great your going to feel when they are healed. Tell your self this is will be the last time you see them like this, because tomorrow they will be more healed then today and know that by getting in the shower your helping to wash the dirt out of every open wound you have, helping it to heal, and when you get out, tell your self they are clean now and ready to start the healing process. I know it may sound silly and you might feel silly saying it to yourself, but having the mind set that these marks are going to heal, is going to help ALOT with the healing process, Because, you get what you focus on, If you focus on how damaged your skin is, its going to take longer to heal, so focus on the positive and how your skin is healing, and your skin is going to heal quicker :)

just.me

September 08, 2012

Hi Michael, not only are you not alone in picking, you're not alone in feeling like you'll never manage to beat it, but since reading your story among others I believe I can, you can, we all can, and it's a great feeling. I'm 21 now, and I started picking when I was about 11, and I can tell you that even the biggest scars will heal with time, I look at my legs and struggle to find the remains of old scars that used to be massive dark indents. I also recommend rubbing olive oil into the scars as soon as they start to heal, because the oil will break up the scarred tissue and then it will reform and will have taken more time to heal so the skin will be healthier and the scar will fade, but also the small molecules in the olive oil can get deep into the pores and will fight infections, as well as moisturising. You can do this as often as you like as well so it works as a distraction if you have the urge to pick, but you might start to smell like olive oil. I hope all is going well for you, and I hope I could be of some help. All the best xx

pickological

September 09, 2012

How are you doing, man? I really wish you are getting better... I guess you might be a fair-haired guy with a sensitive fair skin, so the scars might be more noticeable on you, and anyway the others are telling you the truth: the scars fade in such a significant way, that you would find it unbelievable. Just give your skin a chance to heal... There's something I was wondering about: would you be able to finance a kind of a "rehab" for yourself - to go to a place where nobody knows you and to go bathing and stuff? Or maybe your parents would do it for you or even acompany you if you told them about your problem? x x

CSPlease_Go_Away

September 11, 2012

Thanks for the continuous kind words, they really do help a lot. I believe after hearing from you guys that, if given the chance, my skin could probably heal itself to a point that it wouldn't be a total embarrassment, and I could probably disregard the scars with simple confidence.. I'm more motivated than ever to make it happen. I have dark hair / fair skin (though to be fair I have the potential to get a nice dark tan with a month or two exposure to the sun). Right now I'm pale as a ghost because I haven't shown my body the light of day in a couple years. When i was 19-20 i didnt have a bad case of CSP, i would pick a little bit but nothing major. At the time i was going swimming everyday, hitting the beach with friends, i was nice and tan with good skin and i looked healthy. I dont know how it ll went to shit so fast. Now i look like a self destructive ghost. I went from being a really good looking guy with tons of potential to looking like a total train wreck drug addict (I don't do drugs). If I were to escape and rehab like you mentioned it would probably do wonders for my psychie / skin / all around state of being, but I don't know where I could do this and I can't afford it right now. I'm graduating from college in march 2013 and I'm lucky enough to have a really good paying internship in my field. I'm hoping it turns into a full time job once I graduate, but there's no way that'll happen if I go on hiatus like I really want to. If I told my parents about my problem they would definitely support me and try to help me in whatever way possible, but I'm honestly too ashamed to even consider that possibility. I still live with them, and I've been hiding it as well as I can. I can't imagine the thought of them seeing me without my shirt on. I just want to stop and let my skin heal, and I believe I can do it. In fact, I am going to do it. I know it. The support of others on this forum will help me along the way. I think I'm going to start a photo journal to keep a record of all this.. Maybe a set of pictures on the first of every month.thanks again for all your kind words, now let's beat this stupid compulsion!

pickological

September 11, 2012

Hi, Michael, it's so uplifting to see you in a more positive mood!!! And you do seem to have a potential - you know, at some moment I just felt that maybe you were doing that harm to your skin as a form of unconcious self-sabotage, because you might require too much from yourself? Or your parents have very high expectations of you?... Or you are afraid of success?... Because, frankly, as I read you, you seem to be a smart guy, you can have a great future... And what if you started with counceling just for now, if you can't opt for a complete rehab? Just to begin with, you can tell your parents any lie you want so that they pay the therapy - really, like any lie, the more embarassing for them to talk about - the better, like stress-induced erectile disfunction, for example. Or tormenting doubts about your sexual orientation.... whatever!

olivegreen

September 13, 2012

Hi Michael, I'm starting to quit myself--I've found some solace in a website called http://zenhabits.net/ The writer gives lots of really insightful tips on living simply and centered in life. He is a former smoker who quit, and I am planning my "quit" with his guidance. Good luck to you, and take this advice--quit now while you are young, while your skin will heal quickly, and before you wait until my age and have missed so much life engulfed in picking. *laura

CSPlease_Go_Away

September 16, 2012

I had a terrible terrible picking day today on my forehead and arms. Lots of blood, lots of nasty sores opened.To make matters worse I'm starting a new job on Monday and I'm gonna look like some crazy meth addict or something. Ugh I feel like such garbage, its going to be a dreadful next couple of weeks :(

LL Cool Jane

November 18, 2012

Mine is this bad too, on my arms. But I have noticed that the oldest ones have faded away to almost nothing. Cocoa butter helps, I also take vitamin E tablets. The most important, and what feels like the most impossible, thing is to just stop creating new problems. If your body is focused on trying to heal new wounds too it can't address the scar tissue as quickly or with full attention. I know it's definitely easier said than done, and I need to take my own advice. What has helped me recently is to just strip down naked and look in the mirror. I never look at the big picture when I'm picking, just individual areas, and I become so wrapped up in it and just zone out. When I force myself to look at things at a macro level, to really just stare at my body and how I'm just ruining something so otherwise perfect, it gives me new motivation to stop. I have hope thatI can be beautiful again and maybe almost back to normal.

beats741

March 13, 2013

Nous avons été des aspects d’un programme très actif, tous les jours. Avec tous l’avancement rapide monétaire, est toujours à modifier notre propre devenir de la métropole a un nombre croissant de merveilleux chaque seconde. En venant de Beats Pro la soirée pour pouvoir la nuit, nous ne pourrions pas nécessairement acquérir certainement l’un des n?tre quartier calme. Néanmoins, pour moi personnellement, je pourrais prendre des mesures pour produire qui jouent dans un multicolores et aussi calme. http://www.beatdrdrefr.com/

MostlyMortified

March 21, 2020

Hi Michael, it’s 8 years on since your original post and I’m wondering how you’re doing. You’re the first person I’ve ever seen talk about picking the skin on your bum. I mean, I pick at my upper arms and back, my neck...but my gluts get the worst treatment. As soon as I lay down at night the urge is irresistible. I hate myself as I’m doing it but it’s like I have no control over my actions. I’m at the point where it’s painful to sit down. I’m so ashamed, and even though I’m currently in therapy (EMDR), I haven’t been able to reveal this horrible secret I’ve been carrying.

So I’d love to know how you’re doing these days. Can you give us an update?

MostlyMortified

March 21, 2020

So I’d love to know how you’re doing these days. Can you give us an update?

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Hundreds of "Cig-Burn Sized" Scars / Wounds... I've destroyed myself and my life :( Please Help :(

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