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sunlit_moon , 09 Oct 2012

looking for some moral support

I am new to this site, and this is the first time I have ever actually spoken (or written for that matter) about picking. I'm hoping that admitting to it will be of some sort of help. I've been picking for quite a long time now, maybe ten years, not entirely sure when it started. My compulsions have gotten so bad lately I feel like I don't know who I am apart from picking and trying to avoid picking. I'm at a point in my life now where it's less socially acceptable to have skin problems, being a young woman, I guess, so I'm more aware of it, which in turn makes it harder to control. Not sure I really have a point to writing this, but I just felt like maybe if I posted something it would be a good step to recovery, and that maybe I could find someone to relate to so I don't feel so lonely and trapped inside my own head. I'm sick of sitting in my room alone crying, ashamed of my strange behavior, not wanting to show my face to people as a result of my own actions. I want to be free. I want to have control. Most of all, I want to figure out who I am apart from this affliction and to love myself. At this point though, all of those things seem so far out of reach. Any advice or encouraging words would be greatly appreciated, because I've nearly lost faith in myself.
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olivegreen
October 10, 2012
Hi! I feel so similar to you in many ways. I also started posting on this forum after researching this condition. I've been a picker for over a decade also. I totally agree with you, that thinking about not picking sometimes can re-start the picking! I've heard some alcoholics tell me that they want to drink more after AA meetings, too. (I'm in social work.) Although thinking about picking might make you want to pick, I think you'll find that processing the reasons you pick (the deep down, hidden feelings and thoughts that caused the picking in the first place) in a safe place like this, where you have people around you that are going through the same thing as you are, can be very therapeutic. You really, truly can stop picking. I can speak from experience that it is very difficult, but totally worth the work. On October 12, I will have been on my path to quitting picking for one month. I have found it very tough. You will get relief, but you have to be devoted to actually quitting. Good luck to you :)
sunlit_moon
October 10, 2012
Thanks so much for commenting. It feels a thousand times better to even just have one person know and understand what I'm going through! Last night I did a lot of thinking, and researching, and looking up motivational things from people going through similar mental struggles. I did much better than usual, even though I did still pick, I stopped myself after only a few minutes and reasoned through it, although it took every ounce of strength I could find and I felt like a wreck sitting there fighting the urge. Sometimes I'm not even conscious of it. This morning when I woke up, I did even better. I don't know how I mustered up enough strength to get up and wash my face without really picking (I picked one spot and then forced myself to stop), as I often do first thing in the morning. I'm really hoping I can make it through the rest of the day, I think it's going to be a tough one, but I'll do my best. I want to be devoted to quitting, but first in order to do that I need to convince myself that it is actually possible. You and other people on this site are inspiring me immensely however. Thanks again, you don't even know how much it means to me that there are others out there who can relate and help encourage me. Hopefully one day I can get control of this and be a light to someone else.
olivegreen
October 10, 2012
You're welcome! When I joined this forum (about a month ago) I was so excited to have someone respond to my post. It was hugely important to me. The first few days were very hard for me. I also pick "mindlessly" and that was (still is) my biggest hurdle. You'll read others post on here about falling into a picking trance. Until joining here, I never even realized I did that. Once I was able to catch myself going into that state, it stopped a lot of my picking. I'm happy to hear you say you'd like to be a light to someone else. That's been my biggest joy about this whole thing--encouraging others. It's therapeutic for me. :) xoxo
sunlit_moon
October 10, 2012
I'm feeling so optimistic right now thanks to you and the others that are posting on here. It is just SO GREAT that we're all in this together. I had been feeling so incredibly lonely, for such a long time because I was ashamed to admit it to anyone else. I know this is going to be a long tough road but I'm going to utilize this forum as much as I can! Has posting here really helped you? I think if I could get on once or twice a day in the beginning I'd find it easier to control the urges. & how long have you gone now without picking? if you don't mind me asking...
olivegreen
October 11, 2012
Hi again! I'm glad you are feeling optimistic! There is a school of thought that says that if you can change the way you think to a positive (asset-based as opposed to deficit-based) thinking, you can change your life dramatically. It sounds all hippie "love love love" type stuff, but it does help. (You can google asset-based thinking.) Anyway, yes, I did mean it when I said that posting on this forum has helped me. There is something important about thinking about and caring for others that is helpful to me. I've found that the days when I can't get on this forum for whatever reason, I have a harder time not picking. I officially "quit" picking on September 12th, 2012. However, I can't say that I've never picked during that time. I have. But the important thing is, I feel more in control of myself and I feel calmer. Before I quit, I was "all hands--" constantly running my hands through my hair, face, arms, legs to find bumps. Now I have found my hands to actually be still without me forcing it. That's a big step for me. I'm one of those people who's constantly moving (or I guess, I was.) The first week was the toughest because all of my pick spots were healing, and itched like crazy. But that has stopped, since I'm healed up. Now it's just a battle of old-me versus new-me. It takes a ton of time to get passed that. My biggest step was making an official quit date and sticking to it. I also set up some rewards for starting to quit. For me, after day one, I treated myself to lunch. It can be whatever motivates you. I'm obviously motivated by food :) xoxo

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