reasons, lies i tell myself

Hello- it's been a few years since I have posted something. I had forgotten about this website and then after a google search of desperation I found it again (after trying to make a new account). (28 year old, F). I hate my face. All of the parts that I hate, are all my fault. I've always picked at my zits but this last year was the worst, and I have an ugly, embarrassing and shameful face to show for it. My experience: 1. my acne is hormonal in the weirdest way possible. it's very cyclic.. one week i have terrible acne along the sides of my jawline up into my hair line. the next week it's off the corners of my nose toward the corner of my mouth, and then the next week it's all over my chin. i have been off birth control pills for over 3 years but just went back on them..I am that desperate to fix the hormonal part. the only good time my skin looks better is during the week of my period... and i am in no mood to leave the house then (haha). 2. my acne is exacerbated by stress....this past year was hell... both parents were diagnosed with serious diseases. my dad ended up passing away, my mom's still here but is a ticking time bomb. while i cared for them i attended graduate classes, and worked at my part time job. i had financial stress (traveling back and forth), had to keep my grades up (master's degree is fullly funded if i keep my grades up and remain on campus). family dysfunctions... etc. 3. i have fair skin which makes my scars look that much worse. my entire chin looks like hell. it's also bumpy from the deep indented scars. the sides of my face toward my hair line are also very bumped and indented. 4. this year i started picking elsewhere.. now my legs are covered in dark purple spots. wonderful scars on a pale ass canvas (scottish/german/irish/swedish heritage). i also have a few skinpick battle wounds all over my chest. 5. i learned that benzoyl peroxide (tactuo/epiduo) is not the same as hydrogen peroxide. i use hydrogen peroxide to cleanse the really nasty oozy wounds and it works fine. a doctor prescribed me tactuo and i used it a few times. during this time i found out i was pretty damn allergic to it. i didn't confirm what part i was allergic to until i bought another skin product that was strictly just benzoyl peroxide based. i looked terrible... i had swollen hives all over my face and neck, my eyes swelled shut, and all the pores on my face were angry and leaking histamines (? i think). the last reaction with tactuo was the worse, my tongue started to swell. 6. after being upset that this product won't work i have been trying everything else...i have tried: -clean & clear -Oxy pads -st ives -noxema -cetaphil -spectro jel -neutrogena -lancaster -dove -etc etc etc. now my regime is: -oil of olay regenerist microderma something. it's gritty. cetaphil oily skin cleanser, cetaphil regular moisturizer i want to get a vitamin A cream to use at night. i noticed that my kind of acne or my pore problem is from my skin not shedding the old cells off. lots of my pores are open with gunk in them, i don't even have to squeeze them. thestuff that comes out is a harden chunk of watever. it reminds me of a "skin tag" at the end of a hair strand. i read that the regenerist l of olay stuff is good to scrub this stuff away, and it has alphahydroxies in it that help break down these dead stubborn cells to shed them off. the vitamin also does that, so it's next on my list to try. ive read a few studies and the vitamin a cream seems to work. 7. i dont know if it's a bigger lie saying if i had no zits i would stop picking my skin.i wish i hadnt. but, when i was stressed i needed sooo much distraction to take me away from all of those doctor's appt with my parents, the hospital visits, home care, hospital bed installations, etc. i hate the empty pit in the gut feeling i have after i have seen what i have done to my face after a marathon skinpick FIXup session. 8. you can't win as a skin picker. there's so many forks in the road, and what seems like the right choice at the time always ends up being the wrong one. when i see a zit or feel one coming, i have to pop it. i see it as poison and something that shouldn't be there. why walk around with a big ugly white head that looks angry? and who wants that nauseous feeling when you move your head around and feel the darn zit pounding? when i pick at them i know that the risk of spreading the outbreak is very high so i clean the shit out of my face. i use either rubbing alcohol (like a champ) or the hydrogen peroxide. that cleans it but it heals to be an ugly scar because i pick at the scan because it's sooo dried out and hard. if i put polysporin on it, i get MORE zits because my pores get so plugged. so..its a vicious cycle 9. i do weird things to find temporarily relief. if i feel a big zit and i cant get to it i will sit and steam my face over a cup of tea. i'll run needles through rubbing alcohol and flame. i will tweeze at hairs that are near the zit eruption, or coming out of the wound area. for some reason... it relieves some pressure i feel... i havn't been able to figure out why that is. if an entire area is red from my squeezing, i will prick with a small needle in random areas. doing so gets rid of the reddness... the build up of blood or ruptured vessels. so gross, so weird, so embarrassing, but such a routine for me 10. i have noticed a very odd type of zit wound. i have had acne since puberty (at 10years old) and my skin has changed SOO much. im embarrassed that i have acne at my age, and even more when i leave the house with the disgusting mess i have created... the mess that occured just because ii was trying to help fix my face from the zits.anyway, i have noticed i am getting zits UNDER scar tissue. these are a bitch to deal with because of all this skin build up. they dont even really erupt, it's as though the zit i am describing is a volcano, and the center is scartissue and the surrounding outer walls of the volcano are the walls of the zit. like a donut? THOSE ones hurt soo much! i glanced over some posts on here, and there was one tip i read.. and i have to agree- it's about being away from home where you dont have time to look at the mirror. the week that my dad passed away it was sooo busy at the house. and with what had just happened, i didn't care how i looked. i didnt care what people saw at the funeral. and when i came back home for classes i noticed that my skin was so much better. my sister's was better too. she's bipolar and she's attacked all of her body. she's always getting cream prescribed because she gets gigantic oozing sores that have turned into impetigo before. i dont know if skin picking has co-morbidity with anything i have per say...as i know that my acne is the biggest bridge issue. i have adhd; RA; PCOS. here's hoping that the birth controls work, and that i can find some vitamin A. i'm seriously considering covering the mirrors or getting rid of them. i hear that's what people do with their scales to help heal their body weight issues. what about mirrors? ive told my fiance i need help because i dont realizing i am picking at my skin. i tell him if you noticed im in the bathroom for awhile knock on the door, or if im sitting with my hand mirror inspecting my face, call me out on it. there is such guilt. embarrassment and shame in what my face looks like,but also what i do to it.. i know if i can be made aware of what im doing, i'd probablyy stop. no one wants to be called out on the thing they hate about themselves the most. What are your reasons for doing it? or what are the "lies" you tell yourself? Thanks everyone for reading- this was quite a long vent. Take care, Jeva