Crying blood as I destroy my arms, breasts, face, back, legs... me. (DAY 1)

I'm 17 and I'm trapped in my own body. A slave to the darkness. Sentenced to a lonely cell. What's so remarkable is 90% of the people I encounter in my busy, social everyday life, do not see what is really there...don't even realize that this vibrant young successful girl is actually dying inside, suffering day and night, a prisoner to herself. I'm horrified of anyone knowing who I am on this site... I'm horrified of anyone ever finding out my secret... I'm horrified of my own flesh. Yes I believe it's not too late, I still believe my skin has a chance to glow like it naturally does, I still believe my skin has a chance to heal and my scars can fade. I mean... they have to. Or else... I don't know? I'm constantly losing weight trying to make up for my awful habit of ripping my flesh off. I'm constantly hating myself, battling this terrible "disease" every single day... I lost all of my friends...girls can be so cruel. My friends know I have this problem with myself, but they still couldn't handle seeing me push to be happy and able to live with it and be someone. If only they knew, how badly this is hurting me. Mentally, physically, emotionally... even spiritually at times. My hopes can sink so low but I really can't lose faith in myself. I like a guy, alot. He knows a little about me. But not to the extreme extent it really goes. Once I'm 18 I will be with him. But will he accept me if I can't even accept myself? This is why I know I have to make a change in my life. Dermatillomania is trying to kill me. Am I really going to let it? I'm alive and I want to live. I want to be FREE. It's not too late. My mind has become numb to the thrive of trying to stop picking...I don't even try anymore. I just pick and then analyze myself in absolute horror and disgust. I can't go on like this anymore... I really CAN'T. I started picking my arms when I was like 7 or 8 I think. I was alone in my room a lot. Now, I'm just alone. About a year ago I started picking my breasts, which has become a terrible daily habit and is taking over fast and is ruining me inside and out. And I pick pretty much here and there anywhere else on my body... oh well at least it's not my arms or my breasts... I think for a slight second. Constantly making up excuses for myself that it's okay to pick right then and there in the moment. I know what I'm doing while I'm doing it... I know that I really really really don't want to be picking, but I just can't pull myself away from the actual picking. I'm so fed up with this sickness, the shame, the bullying, the hiding, the loneliness, the expensive make up, the self hatred, the embarrassment, the paranoia ( panic attacks every time I'm in the shower thinking one of my family members is going to barge in ) the list goes on and on. I AM SICK OF THIS! When is it just going to fucking sink in that I NEED TO STOP NOW? Forgive me for my language, and my emotional story. But trust me, that's only 1% of it. I thought that if I joined this site and made a post, it would sort of help my brain get the idea that I need to seriously do this. I can't just pick because I pick. No. I need to QUIT. To make it official, and to give myself something to work on, I wanna let you guys know that this very minute I have decided to tell the public I am going Pick Free!!!!!!! It may be only day 1, but I need day 1 before I can make it to day 2 and then day 3. I am going to do this :) Thank you for reading my post, it means the world to me that someone took the time to hear me and if we can relate... then you can do it too! I'm going to post every single day my progress. I may subconsciously start to pick at my face or back or something but If I do, it won't be any longer than about 5 seconds that I will realize I am picking, and I will pull away immediately. I DO NOT WANT TO PICK ANY MORE. I AM NOT GOING TO PICK ANYMORE! :) I know it's tricky to find successful methods for treatment because everyone is different, but I've come to find that just telling myself "Don't Look!" and actually making myself not look at the area of the skin I'm wanting to pick/would usually pick at, can really help sometimes. You gotta have willpower. But I think it's alot easier not to pick your skin, when you're not looking at it. Wish me luck... and I wish you all peace with yourselves and success in your trials and challenges. This is DAY 1 ........ sincerely....... #17