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Jackydee , 29 Mar 2013

Frustrated

I joined this site almost a year ago now and was way more motivated to battle this issue, it worked for a couple weeks my skin healed quite a bit I don't know where I fell off track or how but now this habit is worse than it's ever been. I've moved from my face to my chest, back, legs and arms. I've noticed the scars don't really go away so that constantly reminds me what I'm doing to myself and I feel like I'm going to be living with dotted scars all over my body for life. I'm 19 now almost 20 in a couple weeks but this has been going on since I was around 12. I'm getting very depressed and feel like I'm never going to stop especially since my motivation isn't as strong so my will power isn't quite there. I'm a perfectionist so I'm very hard on myself and can't stand having flaws which is why in my mind I feel like if I have a blemish it needs to be gone, so having acne doesn't help since every clogged pore gets squeezed, popped and tampered with until its bleeding then scabs and scars. I used to be able to go out all the time with my friends to the bar or club but that means wearing shirts that are fancier and usually go lower or have no sleeves sooo now having this issue travel to my chest and arms, I no longer go out. My friends drifted away because I've denied going out so many times. I have a new boyfriend now that I've been dating for 7 months. I told him about my issue and he's very supportive. He says looks don't matter, but I definitely get jealous whenever a girl goes by with flawless skin. I'm self conscious about my skin so I don't let him see any of my bad areas and pull away from him when he gets near, which is frustrating for him since he just wants me to be comfortable around him and reminds me he doesn't care about my flaws. I know he doesnt care but i care and am ashamed. He's a really great guy and I'm terrified to lose him especially since this issue is affecting him since I go to him everytime i get depressed about it which is very often. He has to deal with my sadness and low self esteem over and over again. Sometimes I take my anger out on him which I apologize for right after but he says it's getting frustrating. For now I'm probably going to vent on here instead of to him. I want to be strong and confident for him and myself, I do have hope of achieving that, it seems very hard though. I like how I can relate to so many people on this site because noone really understands. Everyone is like well just stop. Yea ....just stop....easier said than done especially coming from the people with flawless skin -__-. Well I'm probably going to post my progress on here weekly I feel like that'll help. If anyone knows any cures for scars or acne which actually work, I've tried everything from calamine lotion, lemon juice, vitamin e oil this other oil I believe it was bio oil not sure and for acne products I've tried everything from prescription from my doctor, pro active, acne.org products , every clean and clear product, cetaphil, and I have a personal microdermabrasion tool. I just want clear skin hopefully I can make progress again starting now we'll see how it goes. Whoever read all this thank you for taking the time.
17 Answers
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Jackydee
March 30, 2013
So I just took down my bedroom and bathroom mirrors. I'll apply my makeup with the makeup mirror that way one hand will be busy holding the mirror since I usually use both hands while picking. I'll see if this works.
Girl-in-her-mind
April 01, 2013
Hey. I started picking when I was in middle school and I'm turning 21 soon. It has been years and I totally agree with your whole paragraph. I also have a boyfriend that's extremely supportive. I sort of learned to accept the fact that he loves me for who I am and that he see past my skin. There are times where my face is so horrible to the point where I have to cancel plans with him just cause I really don't want him to see my skin. Skin picking takes such a toll on our self esteem and emotions. Every night, I pick at my skin and then I would feel ugly and eventually cry myself to sleep. Usually I put on make up before I go out and I would actually think I look pretty but right when I take off my make up, I can't stand my face. I would start picking at it, sometimes for hours which interferes with my school work. I told my best friends about my ocd but I feel like no one understands! I feel like nobody in my life is taking this problem seriously and I know I should get professional help but I'm embarrassed. Every time they tell me stop, it really is easier said than done. How the heck do I stop?!! I tried getting acrylic nails but that still caused me tissue damage because I force the blackheads out. Working out helped me for about 2 weeks, but I got unmotivated and started picking again...
Jackydee
April 02, 2013
Yes exactly I go through all that as well, picking for hours and being in university doesn't go well, it interferes with our lives and no one really understands how much it does. It could take away a whole afternoon that I could've been working on my school work but since I was busy picking then I go into a depressed state and become extremely unmotivated to do anything, none of my work gets done. I am also lacking support from my parents like I took down my mirror and they know about my skin but they're like "seriously ? Put the mirror back up, it's not that bad stop being dramatic blah blah blah" I get frustrated because they clearly don't understand and it actually has been helping me well for my face since that was the main area I used the mirror for. It's also helping my esteem because as you said I also wear makeup to cover it up and I don't like seeing my natural skin so without having a mirror in my bathroom I don't have to keep looking at my spots and getting depressed over it. My boyfriend also thinks I should get professional help and I thought of that as well but I don't really want to go to that extent, I don't know my sister had a psychiatrist before for a different issue and they didn't really seem to help that much I also feel like they're going to tell me everything I already tried and thought of so I don't want to spend all this money just to be told what I already know and I feel like if I concur this myself it'll be that much more of an accomplishment. Another reason how this impacts our lives so much is that unfortunately this world does look at physical appearances and judge off of that, I said to my boyfriend when I was being all negative and depressed one day that "I bet you wouldn't have even considered dating me if I wasn't wearing make up and you met me in my natural skin" he did reply honestly and said unfortunately that's probably true. I do look completely different with makeup and people would never expect to see what it actually looks like underneath. Without makeup, I wouldn't have my boyfriend, I think it's definitely possible that my bosses would've passed me by and went to the next person to hire without it, and we just generally feel ugly and like people are staring at us in disgust without makeup, so yea I am grateful that there is such a thing as makeup but I feel like I'm putting a mask on everyday and it's not me that people are seeing so it does hurt knowing we won't be treated the same when we are exactly as we are.
Jackydee
April 04, 2013
Heh hopefully it is actually stopping on my face since my mirrors have been down, the picking is what mainly causes my acne, I haven't tried seeing a dermatologist or getting any tests done, I have seen my doctor a couple times though but yea his prescriptions didn't help, it's my constant touching my face that really causes it I'm pretty sure but yea my face actually doesn't have any break outs now it's just hyperpigmemtation and scars from picking.
Jackydee
April 06, 2013
Weekly update #1: I picked about 3/7 of the days this week, once I took my mirrors down it pretty much stopped and I'm trying very hard to stop myself if I notice I'm about to pick, hopefully I can last all next week without picking.
Jackydee
April 13, 2013
Weekly update #2: yea no extreme fail this week, I picked everyday and I just finished having a gigantic break down moment sooo I'm depressed now as well from my skin and other factors so I'm gonna go talk to my doctor next week and see what will help me, he knows about my acne but he doesn't know about my extreme picking issue or this depression now soo I'll seee hmph
Jackydee
April 22, 2013
Weekly update #3: so I changed my diet this week and it seems to have helped, It's basically a high fibre diet so all my food gets digested better and breaks down better which equals less clogged pores and acne so I have noticed a change in my complexion, I broke out less and only picked 2 days this week and my skin seems to heal quicker as well. I feel I made a step so hopefully I'll take another one next week.
rosa111
April 22, 2013
Stay strong. It's ok to start over and it's ok to have a lapse. I've been picking for years and am learning as I focus on changing this behavior that it's going to take longer than a few weeks of truly giving it my best effort to lock in my new healthy habits of not coping with life through picking. I'm on Day 7 of the 21-day challenge. I was very tempted by a couple white heads on my shoulders today and fended off the temptation with distractions and verbal reminders to myself that this is not a behavior I want to engage in anymore. I have found listening to music helps calm my anxiety. Writing about my thoughts and feelings on this forum and journal, especially when i'm about to pick or just picked, has also helped me understand where the behavior is coming from, which is basically a lot of unresolved issues from my childhood. Therapy is also helping. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.
Jackydee
April 22, 2013
Thank you and yes I agree with all that, it's been a habit that has been going on for a long time so it'll probably take a long time to undo. The journal is a great idea as well since I haven't found out the route cause to why I do it yet but I think it's mostly stress or low self esteem and picking relieves my stress. These next few weeks will probably be the toughest since i have university exams but I'll see how it goes.
Jackydee
April 29, 2013
Weekly update #4: this week didnt go as well I picked 4/7 of the days but I am under a lot of stress, after next week my exams will be over unless I have to do a retest but if not then my stress will be over and I should be able to control this better. I am getting better at learning not to care as much and bring myself down as much whenever I pick though so that's good, I'll see how next week goes.
Jackydee
May 05, 2013
Week numberrrr 5: this week didnt go well I picked 5/7 days of the week but I'm stressed and ate badly so I was kind of leading myself there, I did try out another new scar cream, the mederma scar gel and it does seem to be working only thing is it kind of irritates my skin so I have to limit the use of it but I'm going to repurchase it today, anyways I'll hopefully try harder next week since our long months of winter (Canadian aha) are finally going away so the suns coming out and more skin will be shown so I really want to clear up or at least fade a lot of my spots for the summer weh I can do this I really think it's a matter of setting your mind to it and trying as hard as you can.
somerandomchick79
May 17, 2013
Hey. I read all of your posts, and im so sorry you are going through this. I can totally understand how you feel.. unfortunately:( I am 33, but a student as well, and this last month, my picking got so out of control!! The stress of exams, did not help. One night I made a bunch of coffee so I could stay up late studying, and I looked at the clock, and I had been picking for THREE HOURS and never even opened my book! I was mortified. I cant completely understand because I don't pick where people can see, however, I found a little blemish on my hair line last night, and started to pick at it. I got really nervous.. I cant even imagine what you must be going through. I am so glad you have someone that is supportive in your life. I think that's very important. I have a fiancé that is, as well, but I have to hide it from most of my family members bc I know they would react just as your parents:( I just wanted to let you know a couple of things.. you really should get some help. You may be surprised. I really think it could help you. And also, there ARE medications you can get on to help your urges to pick.. its just something to think about;) I am just trying to do breathing exercises right now, and seeing a therapist. Every day I wake up, I tell myself, "I wont pick, today!" But, then I always do:( EVERY day!! So, youre better off than me..lol. And if you think yours is embarrassing, I pick inside of my nose:( And carry around tweezers with me.. I was even doing it in the store, and the parking lot, yesterday.. it takes so much time away from my kids and my life. Its so hard. I would love to keep in contact with you.. maybe we could try something together?? :) Hang in there, girl. All we can do, is our best!
Jackydee
May 17, 2013
Thank you for taking the time to read everything :) I appreciate it. I'm doing a bit better right now even though I did just pick all over. I'm trying to accept it a bit more I guess, I'm not going to give up on trying to get rid of it though I probably never will. I'm trying to be happier and enjoy everything instead of worrying about my skin and getting mad at myself every time I pick. I'm very stubborn in terms of getting help and medication though, ever since I was little I wanted to learn to do things on my own without help and got mad when people tried to help me or tell me how to do something so I'm still kind of like that which probably isn't good for this situation but I really feel like I can do this without help its just going to be a very big challenge. However, I don't mind staying in contact and trying something together, I have tried methods with a friend where I would have to notify them every time I picked because then it puts more pressure on me to stop, since it's embarrassing and makes me feel guiltier but they don't have picking issues so they don't understand as much as someone who does.
somerandomchick79
May 18, 2013
Hey:) I'm glad to hear you seem to be feeling a little better. I cant lie (as messed up as it is..), im kinda jealous..lol. I would probably take the route of just "dealing with it" and learning to accept life with it, as well, if I could. But, I kinda don't have a choice, since mine is so dangerous:( I actually just confided in my anatomy teacher last night, bc him and I have been pretty close. I told him what was going on and asked him a few questions. He scared me, by saying that if I were to go swimming in a lake (which I always do all the time) I could have a parasite swim thru my blood stream up into my brain and eat away at it:( And if I get a staph infection (which is not hard to do this way) it can lead to my brain.. so, yeah. I'm pretty scared. The metal from the tweezers cant be good either, since I always get a headache now after picking. But, anyway.. lol. I do understand what you mean about not wanting to get help. I was like that when I was younger, too;) I have learned a LOT (thru school and life experience) about psychology.. substance abuse.. and stuff like that. So, I have a good understanding of compulsion. And when there is an actual chemical problem in the brain, you are most time going to need some kind of help. Whether it be pharmaceutical or therapeutic.. but, almost always. The thing is with that though, is that the person really needs to want help. And it sounds like to me, youre just not there yet;) Which is fine. Everyones different. Just be aware of how youre feeling though, please.. if things start to get super bad and you become very depressed or something, I think you should really consider it. I myself, take wellbutrin and Cymbalta. The Cymbalta has actually has been prescribed for my back pain, but it certainly plays a role in my mental health, as well. its been nice talking with you:) I wish you the best of luck! maybe we could exchange emails or something, if you would like..:)
Jackydee
May 18, 2013
:) wellll I'll probably never completely accept it but I'm trying not to let it bother me until it's gone if that happens. That does sound really scary I'm sure it's not good for me to go swimming either with open wounds, since a parasite could probably enter my bloodstream as well.. I guess we both have to stay out of lakes this summer which is unfortunate because as I'm typing this, my family is packing up the trailer to head out there and park it for the summer. As for the help, I have considered it plenty of times my main concern is it not helping and the money. My sister has seen a psychiatrist for depression and the lady seemed like all she cared about was the money, for example my sister had to cancel an appointment one day because she wasn't feeling good and the lady pretty much started yelling at my mom on the phone saying she can't cancel that late even though it was several hours before the appointment. My sister also went on prescription medication for it and had a bad reaction where we had to call an ambulance. That's also scaring me away from it. I will most likely go see a doctor if I get very depressed I was very close to going one time but I always seem to pull myself out of that loop and regain strength. I will go if I don't regain that strength though. Cymbalta sounds like something suitable for me as well since I too have back pain. It's been nice talking to you as well :) and thank you I wish you the best of luck as well and sure my email is jaclyn.n.d@hotmail.com.

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