What am I avoiding?

You hit the nail on the head for me sweeticeblue, I can definitely see myself picking to avoid dealing with money math. My parents were reckless with money so I never learned how to manage my own. My fiance has tried to help me and I did very good for a while but as my life became more stressful I didn't want to deal with it and still don't, in fact i often lie about spending money b/c i'm ashamed to tell him he can't trust me, I want to be trustworthy but I justify it like what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Its usually on fast food and vending machine purchases cuz i figure low chance of him finding out. :( this of course leads to much shame followed by picking, like i'm punishing myself. I've had low self esteem for most of my life, the only time it was anywhere near high was when I met my fiance, i was skinnier and had clearer skin, so i felt more outgoing, which is what he was attracted to. I think alot of my issues stem from having two siblings who were often in the spot light and surrounded by friends where as I often struggled to make and keep friends. My teen years were very lonely, I had few friends and was pretty much an outcast. I was known as "dj's sister" and he is my younger brother, isn't that pathetic? Then there was my beautiful older sister whom i like to call little miss Suszie high school b/c she was president of ski club, and student council, also homecoming queen probably prom queen and I think snowball princess or something. All my friends wanted to be her and I too looked up to her but she never took an interest. There's plenty more, I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with my head. But that's enough of my baggage for now. See you around the board, good luck finding your triggers.