so i dont bite my nails, but.....

i am now going to admit that i have a huge problem. I am a skin picker and I cant stop by myself. whew. i said it. i have been skin picking since i was 8 or 9. it started with my cuticles and when puberty hit well u guessed it, my face became a war zone.it felt so good to get all that gunk off my face, but i always felt worse after. No, thats a lie it felt good alot of the time. i knew even when i was younger that i probebly shouldnt do what i was doing. I couldnt help myself. i just had to even out my nails. i had to chew off that horrible hang nail. and that pimple was just waiting to turn into a zit. i couldnt let that happen. i was already having social problems at school let alone a face problem. so i picked at my face and my nails and my cuticles. I bled, alot. i still ate away my cuticles and nails. i still looked endlessly in the mirror for the imperfections i saw all over my face. it was horrible. i had low self esteem. alot had to do with me being afraid of what people thought of me. i didnt think i had a problem until the time came when i wanted to stop. i found that even though i wanted to stop i would still pick my face and eat my cuticles. when i got married (i never told anyone this) i would pick my face in private or when he wasent home. i would shut the door and lock it. and i would pick. i actually remember times were hours would go by while i picked at my face. i would look at my face and at first i would feel satisfied then i would find another blackhead. the cycle continued. I am 27 now and have a son who has already formed a small habit i feel soooo bad about this because i was the cause. I am on the road to recovery and without any source of information i think i did very well to get this far. I am admitting as of late that i have a problem, now as of yesterday i can say that i do have a disorder. This has been many years in the making for me to want to stop. i go through periods of being ok and other times i just cant stop eating my cuticles. like this past week i had to look for a car, but the stress of it let me think it was ok to pick my cuticles and get that whitehead off my face. man im so bad i have utensils like a blackhead remover to help lesson the redness and scabbing. it works but it still is self mutilation. in order for me to move on with my life i need to stop. so that is why i am writing this long ass post. because i have to find the cause of my disorder and heal the real scars underneath. thanx for this even if no one reads it it still made me feel better :) i am getting better by the way. pick my face alot less, my cuticles are still a challenge on some days and i know that i have a problem.