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cherrycolalola , 14 Jun 2009

Having a tough night. Could use some support

Not much to write. Nothing seems to be cutting it right now. I haven't completely lost it and gone into one of those zombie-like trancrs,but I have been picking a little more here and there. I've been on a vacation to see family and haven't been able to stick to my routine as well. Sometimes it seems impossible to be a good guest or social and still do what you need to do to fight the csp. For the past week sobriety has been number one. I've spent a lot of time by myself and structured my day around working on fighting this. But now i'm in a situation where I can't. I Any advice anyone on how to juggle/ deal with these fears of blowing it completely? I just feel shaken up and unsure I can maintain staying sober. I feel like I'm slipping little by little yet I suddenly have this block keeping me from pulling it together. I'm trying to take it one day/ one second at a time. But what do u do when u can't control yourself in this very moment?
9 Answers
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JeannieK
June 14, 2009
If you can just surrender to it and not make it SUCH a big deal if you slip...that could ironically prevent it? Part of what triggers it for us is escalating anxiety and as we worry more and more about ultimately blowing it, we really up our chances. Can you do something kind to yourself, interrupt the thought? I am going through the same thing, with the lovely condition of itchiness making it next to impossible to think myself through this. here, let me try some humor: next upcoming, just want to post this so you know you I have your back...=)
almosthealed
June 14, 2009
I'm with Jeannie that you should probably just find a way to ease the anxiety at this point. i find travel hard too. Sometimes it helps because I'm around people so I can't pick, or am embarrassed to. But then it is also a disruption of my routine (routine really helps me not pick, eases my anxiety and depression--its a really central mechanism for me to be happy and healthy). If "sobriety" and "cold turkey" aren't working at this moment, maybe you could set a sub-goal, something you can challenge yourself to, but is easier and more possible to accomplish? That helps for me, and it takes the focus off "don't pick, don't pick, don't pick." Just telling myself "don't pick" only works for a limited amount of time, its exhausing, because its like I have to be so viligant and constantly monitoring myself, and I always ultimately pick again in some way, which means I've failed AGAIN, which is of course really demoralizing. So, sometimes I set goals related to picking that are easier. For example, I find it easier to prevent myself from picking actual scabs. (So, I squeeze and pick at non existent things on my face, which then creates a small mark, whihc I pick which creates a scab, which I just continue to pick and pick, scab, pick, scab pick, you get the idea). When I have a pretty visible scab, I am really embarrassed by it, and also it is something that heals the most quickly and visibly--it is easy to see progress. So sometimes, Instead of punishing myself for picking, and obsessing about not picking, I say "I'm not going to pick this scab" and somehow it is easier. Or, sometimes I try to control something other than the actual picking, like, not running my fingers over myface, only going into the bathroom to pee, etc. Another thing--set a POSITIVE GOAL--not a "don't." Make it something that you know will make you feel better or miht help your picking. Like exercise (this is also HUGE for me, it makes me feel so much better, my well-being is totally dependent on whether I get some exercise). Like, I'll do yoga 3x this week. Or, I'll read all of this book. What ever--just make it positive, something you can work towards and actually want to work towards and makes you feel better. It will give you a sense of control and accomplishment, and if it is something healthy or in itself beneficial, it will probably help your picking a bit too. Don't get me wrong, I think there is a time and a place for forcing yourself not to pick. But its only gotten me so far, and I always fail at it. Ultimately, I need better habits to replace picking, ways to cope, mental habits, etc that replace this whole world of mine that revolves around picking. What if you just think about that--moving towards something that feels good, that is moving towards what you want to be, instead of keeping the obsession on controling picking? See how the focus is always on picking, on what we DON'T WANT, even when we are trying to get away from it? Good luck with the rest of your trip. IF all else fails, you can just say, "Im on this trip, and its really not a very good environment for me to work on this, I'll give myself a break, and when I get back I can get back into my routine." I don't know--you just have to find something that works for you!
cherrycolalola
June 15, 2009
Thankyou guys so much for the wise words. I really feel the support. Just that alone helps. I was able to rally eventually last night. The energy built and built to the point where I felt helpless and I broke down.the difference was that I cried instead of picking. My body worked out the stress on it's own. I'm going to keep your suggestions in mind. Like you said almosthealed, obsessing about picking or not picking is still obsessing. I think this was the thing I was struggling with the most last night. I was feeling drained from the hypervigilance.The more conscious I've become of the csp, the more Ive realized how much it takes/will take to overcome this. And that seems to give the addiction power.also, having such sucess and so many revelations and being able to stop( at all)has felt like a miracle, and I realize has kind of become an addictive high in itself, proof of progress. So on the days I don't feel this way. When I feel numb and indifferent ,or I don't feel like there's a fire under my ass to keep going I get nervous. It's these days where I must accept the fact that I'm on a long road. The selflove or peace I felt yesterday won't always carry over into the next day. But that it's still with me and it is still real. Coming here and talking to people and hearing their success stories and hope helps so much. There's this saying... It's something like " today I have lost my smile. But Im not worried, that flower has it". The idea that even if you are down and out the universe and the people around you are still full of joy. Kind of holding onto it untill you are able to come back to it. I don't know how to better articulate it. Anyhow I feel comforted knowing you guys are keeping the "torch lit" so to speak
almosthealed
June 15, 2009
That is exactly how I feel!!--about the hyper vigilance being draining. When I really stopped picking a few weeks ago, I was being like that--super motivated and really watching my every move and constantly telling myself not to pick. It can work for a while but it just wears you out at some point. And makes me feel still freakish, because I am still so obsessed with the whole thing. And you are always at risk for major failure. I'm really trying to get to some kind of comfort level now where I can actually let go and not think about it so much. This is hard, but I think i can get there. I ' m starting to feel pretty secure in some of my habits are actually changed enough that I'm less at risk for doing a lot of damage if I slip. If I slip now, its for a couple of minutes, leaning in the mirror, squeezing just a few spots, and then I generally catch myself--I don't fall into that total zone/black hole like I used to. So anyway, for right now, i am trying to look at my overall appearance when I look in the mirror, and not lean in and not look at spots and imperfections. I feel I have to constantly look at my spots, always checking, my eyes automatically zoom right in!! So, maybe if I can retrain my eyes not to do that, and retrain my mind not to just think about those small imperfections, maybe it can ease my mind a bit. I can just look in the mirror, see myself and move on. That's what I'm working on now. ***Yes, its such a process, but it gets easier. This forum has helped me a lot, keeping me motivated and aware. Yes, just keep the memory of that self-love and peace, even when you don't really feel it. Know it is out there. Just knowing that will bring it closer to you, make it more yours, until you actually do feel it all the time. Also, I've found that as I get better, those highs and lows start to even out, which makes everything easier and not so tiring.
cherrycolalola
June 15, 2009
The highs and lows do even out, it's true. I've been experiencing that more. I remember my therapist telling me about how our brains can reprogramme themselves. They learn to balance more on their own rather than us having to provide the stimulus/depressant.(picking seems to be both depending on the situation). It brings you up when you're down and down when you're up. To me it was like being on drugs constantly. Like mild pain killers.Always making me feel kind of stoned or buzzed.when I took the coping mechanism away it was like a rollercoaster ride,but it is getting easier. I'm doing the same thing with the mirror. Forcing myself to focus on one thing I like. The forum has been my lifesaver. It continues to be the one thing that helps me the most.There's no way to do this alone. It took me a long long time to understand this fully. You hear it all the time. But knowing you need help and actually taking the steps to reach out are two different things.I don't think it's a coincidence that in order to stop hurting ourselves we must learn to do exactly the opposite of what we want to,control everything. To recover we have to acknoweledge we don't have the answers and there isn't a guaranteed safety net. It's also interesting how it takes hitting bottom, breaking down completely,for us to understand how much we really don't know.good for you for making such progress almosthealed! Eventually we will be able to know love and peace fully. Until then I think the best motto is to fake it till you make it haha
JeannieK
June 14, 2009
I'm seconds away from detonation, Skin just trembling for fear of assault, ANd as my anxiety builds, it's increasingly difficult to call a halt// xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Chopping off fingers is probably inadvisable, An ultimate manicure soak might be a notion, However that would mean being nice to myself, ...not exactly the direction I've set in motion// xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Imagine craters on the moon, Or swiss cheese on ham and whole wheat, Imagine raindrops plopping on fine combed sand, Or warts frozen off of suffering feet// xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Now add some ooze and goo for authenticity, Make sure to remember the guilt that will follow, ANd then really season it with the self-condemnation, What an appetizing little tidbit to swallow// xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx You say you want to be stopped, Well you just asked for someone to assist, Don't you realize what you just did? You set in motion a very smart way to resist// xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx So let's take away the gooze and see satin skin instead, Forget the guilt and imagine a glow of pride, Add a pat on the back and 'snapshot' it to refer to often, Realize that you've just made major forward progress inside// xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Perfect ain't gonna happen, And we might as well take a moment to grin, We make a funny picture glaring at our busy fingers But by coming here we're declaring we aim to win//
serenitynow
June 15, 2009
Just the fact that you are writing in the forum tells me you are not picking! Good job! It's been just a few days since I've found this forum, and it has helped so much. I know exactly what you mean about being SO driven to pick or to not pick. Here's my short list on what to do when the obsession is high. 1. contact the forum (idea I got from you! : ) 2. sit or lay on your hands and breathe slowly out, followed by 10 more deep, healing, relaxing breaths. 3. Maybe you will discover that you are exhausted and need a nap rather than a pick. 4. Promise yourself that you'll let yourself pick in a controlled manner in 15 min. Maybe the urge will pass. 5. Pick if you need to. Set the timer. Tell someone to call you in 5 min. They don't have to know why. 6. Journal about what you are feeling. 7. Brainstorm what other things could provide the relief that picking does. Would a beer take off the edge? Watching some comedy on youtube? 8. Find some compassion for yourself. Best wishes! I have been in your shoes so many times. Hugs.
Dee28
June 16, 2009
Hi I have just joined this website and have been suffering from skin picking my face and arms for years now. Thank you so much JeannieK for what you wrote, it means so much to me. I'm having so much trouble and it feels so good to know that other people are going through the exact same thing. If anyone needs to talk, I would be happy to help....

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