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cherrycolalola , 31 Jul 2009

how do you start over again after relapse?

I've been away from the forum for a while. About a month ago(and its proven to be a big mistake). It used to be I was on here multiple times a day..reading posts, asking quesitons. It was helping a lot. Then I moved and got involved in a new relationship, new job etc. and I relapsed. really badly. Right now it feels impossible to start over again. I had so much hope, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I feel so sad and confused and numb. My skin was starting to look really good and now I'm dealing with bad scarring.Its so bad I think some of it might be permanent. which is so painful to face because I felt I was just out of the woods. If my skin heals its going to take a long time and i dont have the patience or any faith left. Today I looked in the mirror and realized I really have disfigured myself. I cant hide it anymore, not even with makeup. It actually scares me to look in the mirror now.How can I come to terms with this? With relapsing, with the damage I've done?The worst part about it all is I met the guy im dating when my skin was really good. Now its a mess and i dont know what to do. (and it seems to have happened practically overnight...after a few bad sessions).I want to be honest, but Im worried he'll freak out if I tell him, or go makeupless. I think I come off as a pretty sane, secure person, so its scary to admit otherwise.Im sure many people on here can relate. How do you deal with the fear of abandonment? I know I need to come clean to the people I'm close with so I can get help, im just terrified. Im burried in shame right now...I've pretty much reached my bottom. I know I'll get through this, I just dont know what the next step needs to be. Therapy? A 12 step group?(which one?). I should go see a dermatologist but Im not sure they can do much if Im still picking. I'll take any advice I can get.
8 Answers
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j
July 31, 2009
first time ever in a forum or anything like that, my roomate just got us internet and trying to learn to use to better my life...such as it is. the day mj died i quit my job. not on my face but every where else i had counted 57 sores and realized the job was killing me....it took three weeks but i at least healed my arms and back...2 weeks ago was the first time i had let anyone rub my back in many years..it felt great luckily with my face down they couldn't see the tears.....well i've been looking and still haven't found a job...i woke up scratching with dried blood on my hands.....95 degrees today and i wore a long sleeve shirt and long skirt..i think the interview went well but it certainly wasn't because of my confidence...i am going to be 48 years old in a few days and i've been dealing with this since 19 years old. my roomate has never judged me because of this habit but he doesn't understand why i've been crying for the last hour...thats when i found this sight....then i saw your post. I am the ultimate loner because of this habit and trying to start my life over..there are so many people out ther with such worse problems than ours...my hardest part is the scars i have..little white spots everywhere. so much to say..what got me crying was a few of these posts say you are not alone....i have felt that way for a long time...someone mentioned forming a group thing to help each other ...hard to gocold turkey...me i'm doing it a body part at a time..feel i'm saying to much but noy enough..hang in ther your not the only one full of shame tonight...
cherrycolalola
July 31, 2009
thankyou. What im trying to do now is stay present with the pain. Not as punishment, but as a means to try and break through the denile and my avoidant tendencies. I think that grieving over what we've lost isnt always bad, its just really hard. Its true, things could be so much worse, I have to try and remember that. Im saying a prayer for us all tonight. I hope we can all find healing and clarity...together.
j
July 31, 2009
glad you responded so fast..cept i'm crying again but they are good tears...with me a shower halps to dull the pain some but usually i try to get into a good book or somehow distact myself...2 hours i usually feel better. the one product i've found is burt bees comfrey ointment . its a little waxy and softens the sore so not as pickable..can't believe i'm typing this...also comfrey is extremely healing for the skin. have you ever heard if this habit is realated to attention deficit disorder?
cherrycolalola
July 31, 2009
i have heard that. Ive also read that it can be a form of enorphin regulation. which makes sense to me because it brings me up when im down and down when im up sometimes. I know it releases endorphins that have a numbing effect. Whether it has more to do with a chemical imbalance, or bad coping skills im not sure. I think its both for me.
ldill
August 04, 2009
j said: Your story really touched me deeply. (I eat my fingers) so I can not relate but do understand it is good to know your not alone. I think that it was a wonderful idea to start a support group in your community. How you can help others and maybe others help you. I think you can do wonderful things & beat this. Today while reading these stories I have gained a new respect for skin picking (no matter the area). Today is also my day to start stopping the process. Or give my best shot at it. Been reading on adversion therepy and will try some of the tricks to see if I can stop. Best of luck j said and everyone on this forum!
wiltedfame
July 31, 2009
I know what you mean about the whole not wanting your guy to see you. No one knows about my problem. When I pick really bad I don't show it to anyone, and I don't leave my apartment for anything but food for a couple of days. It's like I send myself into exile. I think it would help a lot if I changed the lights in my bathroom to something less bright so I can't see as many tiny unimportant bumps. Right now I'm sitting here with a clay cleansing face mask on so I can't see my scabs. Regardless I'm running my fingers over them. Anyways, I just want you to know that I have ADD along with my CSP. And my adderall makes me pick more because it makes me feel like I always need to be doing something. Pretty pathetic. I hear that acrylic nails help fight the picking urge.. I can't do this because I rent an apartment, but I think taking down the bathroom mirror and using dimmer lights around other mirrors may help you too. Either way, if you stop picking for a week or so, you may find inspiration in the changes you make to your skin. I also hear that throwing away your makeup helps, because you can't pull the whole "I'll just pick at this one thing and conceal it later" act. Good luck! Please let me know if you figure out what works for you! I need some advice myself, and this face mask just isn't cuttin it.....
cherrycolalola
August 02, 2009
I tried going makeupless and it really helped. It forced me face the damage i was doing in a direct way(kinda cut through the denile). Since this last bad episode though Ive gone back to wearing it. Now I struggle with the decision to put it on or not. Facing my skin right now is proving to be especially hard...even when im by myself. I worked so hard for months to get my skin to where it was at and having to see all that work "wasted" is depressing. And I HATE the feeling of having to go into "hiding" again. Makeup takes up so much time and energy. Still, there are times when I feel I need a sort of "buffer". If i dwell on my skin too much I adopt the "screw it" attitude, fall into desperation and make things even worse...which a lot of people have talked about here. I dont know if theres any sure advice I can offer, but I know that the one thing ive learned from this last episode is that you have to stay connected to the outside world. wether its the forum, or talking to friends, therapy...whatever. A big part of my relapse had to do with my thinking I had things under control and could handle everything on my own....so not true at all. I think picking can be managed, and i do think its possible to stop. but staying "sober" is hard. I dont think you can ever really forget about picking completely. that sounds kind of depressing but really i think its beneficial to be as realistic as possible about it... and to recognize it as a serious disorder. btw i know what you mean about the facemask. it helps but i hate to take it off haha
wiltedfame
August 03, 2009
I always feel the need to put SOMETHING on my scabs. The other night I hit the jackpot when I tried putting some burts bees honey chapstick on them. I guess the moisture helped or something, but they looked 4x better the next morning, and it was easier to conceal them.

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