Begin Again--Random Venting and Some Thoughts

Hi there, I've posted on this forum before but I haven't for awhile. But here I am--trying yet again. I am 22 years old and I've been a picker since I was about 10. Sick, huh? I can't remember what it was like to not have this compulsion in my life. I honestly have no idea what it feels like to go a day without the overwhelming urge to pick. I've tried so many times to stop and eventually I get so tired of fighting I just give up. Tonight I was hanging out with a friend who knows I struggle with a compulsion that involves hurting my body (I've never told her it's picking but she knows enough to at least kind of get it--she struggles with a compulsion too). She said something interesting. She knows I'm trying (again) to stop and tonight I called her saying that I spend a lot of time alone and tonight I just couldn't. She invited me over and we watched Harry Potter. We watched at least half of the movie and the whole time, part of my mind was thinking about picking. I sat there with my head on my friend's shoulder just to remind myself I wasn't alone. After the movie, we talked. Well, mostly she talked at me. She can kind of read my mind sometimes which is annoying but useful when words don't come out. I did manage to tell her that the only time I'm not fighting it is when I'm asleep. Every second of every day, I want to pick. She pointed something out that I'd never really thought about: Wanting to do it every second doesn't make me weak, it makes me strong. If we want to ALL THE TIME, but mange to NOT do it even for a few minutes, even a few SECONDS, it's a victory. I think you all know as well as I do what a powerful force it is. I have what was once a zit (that now I've turned into a sore that is currently scabbed over) right between my eyebrows and it is SCREAMING at me to be picked. But I keep remembering what my friend said. The desire to give in is powerful, powerful force. It's enough to eat us alive. Feeling that urge doesn't make us weak. And fighting it off for even a few seconds is a victory. I'm pulling for all of you. Take it one moment at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. xo Paula