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Milllenia , 16 Mar 2010

New to forum looking for help

My daughter has been picking her skin now for years. She will not seek conselling. So now I have decided to take her car keys aways till i see some improvement. Has anyone tried to discipline the problem and what were the results.
10 Answers
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Cohen
March 16, 2010
I've dealt with this problem for literally as long as I can recall. I mean, really, since I was at least in kindergarten. I can't say that discipline wouldn't help the problem because no one ever tried that with me (virtually no one knew about the problem either), but my gut instinct tells me it may only make it worse. This isn't something we choose to do. I've CHOSEN to stop hundreds upon hundreds of times. It's a compulsion and a VERY strong one, often brought on my anxiety and stress. There's a very strong element of guilt and shame as well so "punishing" her (at least she may perceive it as punishment) may only make her feel even more ashamed and it may just make the problem worse. I would seek therapy before taking away the car keys. I do believe it's an illness and punishment can't cure an illness. You wouldn't take away her keys if she were diagnosed with depression?
Milllenia
March 16, 2010
I know what you are saying and that is why I joined this forum, she is 20 and she will not seek any therapy, I am at a dead end. I know I am going to punish her for something she probably has not much control over, but man I am STUCK and she is just destroying herself.
40daysfromnow
March 16, 2010
have a look online about others who have been to therapy to convince her that it isn't a big deal. Loads of athletes have psychologists etc. They have tips on kicking habits that will help her. People see psychologists for quitting smoking. It doesn't always have to be for a diagnosable mental disorder.
wildflower
March 16, 2010
it is hard to realize this, but this is her problem, not yours. only she can come to the point in her own mind that she has a compulsion that is not healthy, that there are underlying causes that need to be explored and/or overcome, and she must decide herself what healthy course of action she needs to take and do it herself. you can only be a cheerleader, a support, a soft place to fall. when it comes down to it, no one else but ourselves can take care of us. until she gets desperate enough to make the right choices, her problems will continue. i'm 55 and i have been unkind to myself and my skin all my life and it is only now that i got to the point of desperation to seek an answer to how to end the war with my skin. i have tried to impress upon everyone here that help is first and foremost an internal decision to be good to oneself. externals cannot do it for you. get smart. get informed. get a plan. decide to be loving not harmful. stick with it. that is about the only approach and dermatologists know it. that's why they will simply say "stop picking".
Milllenia
March 18, 2010
Thanks I totally understand, but I am not going to wait till she is in her 30 or 40 or even 50's, till she realizes she is mutulating herself. I will use the car or internet as a last resort (punishment if you will), I just wanted to know if anyone else used this approach with any success. I can not continue to watch this. I will do my best to convince her to seek therapy. 'SHE WONT EVEN LOOK AT ANYTHING ONLINE FOR HELP OR INFO', Yes I think she is ashamed, that is why if I try to discuss it with her she wants nothing to do with the conversation. And I know what it is like to kick a habit I am a smoker and am trying to quit myself, but I KNOW my problem and KNOW what it can do to me. If only she did, or cared to even find out, it may make things alittle easier. Oh well keep plugging away. Any tips and info I am more than happy to hear. Thanks to all that have replied to my post, keep em coming. Thanks again Have a great day
wildflower
March 18, 2010
if she is old enough to drive then she undoubtedly knows that she is harming herself. being young and stubborn, she likely has chosen not to be willing to discuss it with you and that is truly unfortunate because of everyone in the world, you care the most for her and want the best for her. my daughter is the same. i can't discuss any concerns i have about her with her and believe me i have some. for the sake of having a relationship with her i know i simply can't express them. fortunately, we don't live under the same roof or i would go crazy. i feel for you. i know you care about her. bottom line, threats and punishments are not going to make her change her ways. in fact, it might make things worse. and it will not help your relationship, either..she will only address her habit once she makes up her own mind to do so. if you think about your smoking habit, would it work if someone made similar threats of punishment to you? would that be incentive for you to quit smoking? i think it would only create a huge resentment between you and whoever tried to do it to you and that is what will happen between you and your daughter and there's a lot at stake. about all you can do is let her know you love her and have serious concerns about her health and let her know that you will be willing to help her however you can when she chooses to make an effort to address her habit. let her know you'll provide her with the tools for proper skin care and nutrition and information about it and the like and that you'll be there for support when she wants it. and about all else i think you can do is to not let her get away with picking and or scratching in your company. i really don't think you want to alienate her which is what threats and or punishments will be sure to do. my heart goes out to you because i know how much you want only the best for her and how difficult your daughter is being about it. i wish you strength, and hope your daughter comes to her senses soon.
Milllenia
March 20, 2010
Yes it is tough and as much as it is killing me inside her living with me is an advantage, and in that i mean if I see her pick at least I can ask her to stop, is about all I can do. And of course she denies that she is picking (she scratching an itch) but she knows and stops till next time anyway. I will try to deal with this in a more understanding way I guess and hope things change. Thanks for your post, take good care
jacquie
March 19, 2010
I am 19 and i have had this problem since i was a child. no one ever tried to stop me and now i have realized on my own that i have to stop. but it is shameful and difficult to deal with. not to mention the fact that it is a disease and a compulsion and it is near impossible to quit. i dont think that punishment is the answer. if my parents took my keys away i would pick even more, wishing that my i had my car. thats the truth. the worse she feels the more she will pick, and being punished for how she feels and deals with it will only make the issue worse. she knows what she is doing and she isnt ready to quit. as twisted as it is picking is a very private security blanket for us. she needs your support not punishment. she will not open up or go to therapy if she feels that you disapprove of her. she is an adult with a disease, not a misbehaving child.

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