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vicstic , 05 Apr 2010

Realising I have a problem

I am new here, based in the UK and feel that this would be a good place to start so any reply or comment would be appreciated. People often say that the road to recovery involves admitting you have a problem; I never knew I did until I found similar stories to mine. I obviously do have a problem as I am purposely attacking my face and never learning from it. As I write this, I have just had a major squeezing/picking 'session' which I thought was necessary as I always do but afterwards regret like hell. Its going to be a week before I venture out as my face is now covered with new sores and scabs. The worse thing is my face had just recovered from my 'last time' which took a week to get over and I swore I would never do again. I actually can't believe it. The marks/scars are still fresh from the last time My acne recovered after I went on accutane but in my head I still have 'bad' skin and go at it like hell frequently. It doesn't help that I am a perfectionist and a control freak. I need to stop as this has ruined holidays, nights out, general life, moods, going to the gym, even university days. I have been doing this for years but only recently recognised it as a problem because the blemishes which I see are not even noticeable, but the sores and scars I make of them are. I think that I'd rather have a scab and be in control of my skin but in reality IT CONTROLS ME. It will stop me going about general life for another week so of course it does. Thankfully I have a supportive boyfriend whom Ive only recently confided in after 7 years; I wish Id told him sooner then I could have begun my road to recovery sooner. Its embarssing though because I havnt got acne anymore, I DO THIS TO MYSELF. Does anyone else have similar experiences/advice? I was thinking of taking a photo of what Ive just done to myself and when it clears and i get tempted to start all over, it will stop me?
16 Answers
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40daysfromnow
April 05, 2010
Sound JUST like me! I am convinced while I'm picking that THIS time I HAVE to do it because I have clogged pores or something. It always seems like an okay idea at the time but after I just feel like crying. I do it at the most stupid times too. I will do it right before I have to leave the house, and then I look terrible. It also ruins a lot of activities for me and I often skip out on going to the gym because I don't want to sweat off my makeup and reveal what is underneath. I have been taking photos of my face almost every day and it helps me to see the progress and the damage. I have to keep telling myself that a clogged pore is way way way better than a big red spot or scab from picking. Read all of the posts on here and you'll get some tips on how to stop. Good luck! Keep posting and reading posts.
vicstic
April 05, 2010
Thanks for the reply. Its so lovely and encouraging to share experiences and hear that other people have similar issues. I know lots of people suffer from acne but i wasnt aware people ruin their face like I do. I havnt even got acne any more, I give myself it! All in the name for a tiny clogged pore that ends up being a weeping sore/scab/scar that ruins life. So definately the photos then and realsisng the CONS of squeezing/picking outweigh the PROS. Good luck yourself.
bm
April 06, 2010
I have the same problem, and I'm well on the way to beating it. I now keep looking at myself in the mirror just to admire the new me! I still get the odd spot - maybe a couple of small whiteheads a week - but if it weren't for my picking it wouldn't be noticeable! Isn't it odd how a lot of us pickers seem to be former or current acne sufferers?
vicstic
April 06, 2010
Hello, yes, I think that can be explained by a comparison to a different scenario I know. My friend used to be very over weight and now shes got a great figure; sadly she cannot see it. She sees herself as big still when she looks in the mirror and shops for a big person. In the same way, former acne sufferers look in the mirror and see bad skin- we cannot accept good skin, or that we have it. Whenever I do get it, I destroy it for some reason. Why can I not accpet good skin. Werid huh?
bm
April 06, 2010
Yes! That is a great analogy. I sometimes feel that if I have good skin, it must mean I am this new, grown up person who has to accept all of the stuff that comes with being an adult. Not only is my skin-picking a way of keeping 'the old me', but also of avoiding the responsibilities that come with adulthood. I guess that the fact I am a recent expat doesn't help - there is a lot on my plate all at once. And it is true that people treat me differently when my skin is good. Not only do I get more male attention (which can be intimidating), but even other women expect more of me than if I were 'just a kid' with acne. And kids accept me as more on their level, too - which is important to me as I am an au pair, so my working life is surrounded around meeting their needs. Does that resonate with anyone else or is it something particular to me? ---- And I'm sorry I keep hijacking other peoples' threads - If it is annoying anyone, please do just say, I will make more effort to start my own and/or shut up!!
vicstic
April 06, 2010
Hello, no don't be silly all views and comments are welcome to me, thats the point isn't it? I totally agree with what you said about skin picking as a way to avoid adulthood and responsibilities. And now I think about it- oh my gosh, its too true. Im in a very crucial point in my life at the minute, on the verge of becoming an adult (one year left at uni so near to getting a job, house, car etc) and after some of my worse picks, Ive had days off uni. This is such an avoidance of responsibilities. Also if ive made a goal of say eating well and going to the gym, i pick then its an excuse not to go or to eat badly because im depressed. Its certainly unconcious though because I do want all of these things, I suppose its fear. Thanks for this observation- blimey this is good (and cheaper than therapy!!)
wildflower
April 06, 2010
with me it started around the time i had my first child, i thought it was due to hormones and perhaps that played a part. i also worked full time at the time and went back to work so it could have been the stress of that. looking back, i moved from a community that didn't fluoridate the drinking water supply to one that did and i think now that 23 some odd years later and because i still have the problem whilst my kids are grown and i don't have that job that it could be the water that contributes to my pimples and such that i want to pick at, on top of it having become a full fledged bad habit/compulsion. all and all, though, i believe it boils down to the different stresses that life doles out all along the way. it doesn't let up unfortunately, they just change. the thing is, to manage the stresses in ways that do no harm to ourselves and recognize the harmfulness early enough to get a handle on it. i certainly hope that everyone gets a handle on their dermatillomania behaviours much earlier than i did. and believe there's a better chance of it with what the internet has provided in terms of information and sites like this that also offer support like this. but as i suggested on another topic, talking openly about it face to face with someone is also a very valuable tactic.
bm
April 06, 2010
That's a good point. Thanks to this support group, I don't feel that I °need° to talk about it face-to-face with someone, but also thanks to this support group, I did talk about it to my boyfriend, who is also my best friend. And it did feel liberating, I must admit! It also means I have someone there to say "doesn't my skin look great!" to who really understands just what that sentance means to me.
vicstic
April 06, 2010
Thats so true, its the best thing ive done in years with confiding in my boyfriend. Weve been together for years and are best friends so I wonder why I didnt do it sooner. Its a mixture of pride and shame I think. It revealed to him why so many weekends, nights out and holidays have been ruined. Times when ive said Ive had a break out or been secretly miserable. Really, its been my doing.
vicstic
April 06, 2010
Yes good idea. The next person to tell properley will be my mum as shes well aware of it- she lives with me so can see when ive fiddled but she doesnt realise the extent of the problem. Im sure she'd understand though, she fiddled and picked her skin too I think.
violet
April 06, 2010
my mom is the one who's really been pushing me to change my behavior -- it's super embarrassing sometimes when she says, "don't pick!" but it makes me aware that i'm doing it, which is a big deal since i sometimes pick without really realizing it. it's helpful to have her in on things... i'm going to start a 40 day program *tomorrow*, and i think i'll tell her about that too... just so there's someone to hold me accountable! and, i'm hoping to use this forum more. i love the idea of having an anonymous support group. i guess i'm gonna have to be asking for encouragement... and i'll definitely be checking out everyone else's stories, because y'all are really inspirational. by the way, does anyone have any recommendations for lessening facial scarring? i think that i would be more motivated if my current scars started to vanish... also, has anyone had success with keeping your hands busy in another manner, such as playing with a bracelet or something like that? my therapist suggested that to me, and i'm thinking of trying it.
vicstic
April 07, 2010
Hi, good to hear from you. Ive just told my mum this morning about my condition and she was really supportive. She has hidden my magnifying mirror. With regards to scarring, time is the greatest healer but to speed things along, my faves are- JAN MARINI bioglycolic range (US brand) and I use masks with fruit acids in such as REN (British skin care brand) try googling them both or simply look for products with glycolic acid. I think clinique do a product called even better -fades discolourations. Let me know what you think!
wildflower
April 05, 2010
i, too, could have written your post too. word for word pretty much. just know that it is possible to beat this compulsion. at least one day at a time. i'm at 41 days, working on 42. i have many a temptation on my face and body but am successfully resisting them, at least for today. i tell myself that i may not last forever at not picking but today won't be the day i do and i keep up with my regimen that i've posted elsewhere in this forum. i'm proud of my accomplishment so far and will forgive myself if i have a setback and promise i will get right back on track but haven't had one ... yet ... i hope you find the courage and determination to create a plan for yourself and that you are able to commit fully and seriously to it. that's what it will take. give yourself lots of love and many rewards for each day of success. all the best to you !!
vicstic
April 05, 2010
Again, your comments are very comforting. I'm hoping that by joining this site I can stop picking for good. My problem is 100% my face- i squeeze, pick and dig. I used to have bad skin so why am I still giving myself it? It doesnt make sense does it? But hopefully realising these things will help me to stop for GOOD. Ive had another idea- im going to take away my magnifying mirror. It sits on my windowsill as a trigger and I do my biggest picks there!!

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