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vicstic , 07 Apr 2010

The worst time

I thought if we could perhaps share some specific times of when skin picking has directly affected our lives in some way, ruined an event etc it would be an inspirational tool and drive the message home that skin picking only ruins things!! A few examples of mine include wrecking the run up to holidays, christmas and birthdays. So many weekends Ive ruined by trying to make my skin perfect and its had the opposite effect. One specific example I remember was last hallowen. For some reason in the middle of the day I got an urge to go an pick. My skin was actually fine but by the time I pulled myself away from the mirror I had created at least 6 huge holes in my face. I broke down in tears and I had totally ruined my evening. The only comfort was it was fancy dress so I slapped on loads of face paint and went out. I have pleanty more episodes like this and its only when we realise and link such episodes together we van see the scale of it and STOP FOR GOOD.
13 Answers
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wildflower
April 09, 2010
myself, i'd like to forget the bad times. there were too many. now, i concentrate on making good days, one day at a time. yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today is a gift. we need to concentrate on today to make a better tomorrow.
vicstic
April 09, 2010
It helps me though to collate all the bad times- thats how i recognised the problem. I use the negatives to help turn into positives. All of our bad times were worth it if its goinh to help us now. But whatever works for people.
cherrycolalola
April 09, 2010
There are so many times its kept me from going out. I think one of the worst times was when I was with my boyfriend. We were lying in bed and I wanted to turn around to cuddle with him, but didnt because I felt ugly and didnt want him to see my face. Its sad to think about, how I was keeping myself from love. Its ironic ,too,because I was picking to look perfect in order to be loved, but wound up creating more barriers against it. I think its important to remember the bad times, to a point. If it helps you recognize how its a serious addiction and has a big effect on your life I think that can be helpful. Admitting you dont have control over it is big. However I know I can sometimes bring up those memories when Im angry at myself, to punish myself. This, Ive found, doesnt help. I guess its all about balance. I do know that guilt and shame wont stop me indefinitely. The addiction is stronger than that.
vicstic
April 11, 2010
Yes I agree, balance is key- positive posts are very crucial as we need them to inspire, support, comfort etc. However I have found that on a purely personal note that this post in particular has helped me so much because im not going to let any of these episodes happen again, for the sake of a few blemishes or clogged pores. Its ridiculous that this has ruined my life in such a big way for so long. Infact me and my boyfriend went through many such episodes and built up such a picture of the destructive nature of the problem. I know that everyone is coping differently thats great! But for me this is the way forward. This may seem bizarre but I am going to recollect and document ALL the times my skin, no ME has ruined things- and pin some photos to it- what I did to my skin recently and what it can be. Fingers crossed!
freshstart76
April 11, 2010
Wow... where do I start? I, like you, am motivated not only by the idea of the positive days on the horizon after beating this thing, but also by fully comprehending the regrets / negative moments in the past this compulsion has caused. The most profound one for me was when this one phenomenal guy who wanted to let me into his life in a more serious capacity invited me to a wedding. The fear of being judged at this wedding was overwhelming, and I had my worst picking session ever in my life the Thursday night beforehand. Just looking in the mirror that evening, I knew that I would look like - as I like to call it - a "monster" on the day of the wedding, so I called him to cancel. I broke down into hysterical tears - yeah, red flag, anyone? - telling him that I couldn't do Saturday (or anytime the following week), but I couldn't explain why. He seemed very understanding, but - shocker - he was totally put off by the whole thing. In light of my cancellation, he invited this other woman he had just met, and within a week they were an item. Two years later, they are happily together with a baby. That experience is my Big Kahuna of "How Picking Ruined a Life Moment", but I've cancelled on a ton of other key social events with friends and family... and then I turn around and cower in my home praying that no one shows up until I'm healed again. The life, the fun, the experiences that I've missed out on because of this irrational behaviour is incomprehensible at times. This is why I liken skin picking to a prison... it's kept me locked up many times in a world that I desperately want to break free from. I know I'm capable of a full, positive, exciting life, but I have to let this self-destructive habit go. It's not working for me or my life anymore. Thanks for the interesting post...
vicstic
April 11, 2010
Hey, no problem. For some this isnt the post for some people towards the road to recovery but it is for me and obviously from your reply, it is for you too. I hear you sooo much about your worst time and you would probably understand the amount of times ive had my worst sessions before a huge event, bizarrely enough. Why? Because I want to look perfect probably, ironically. The thursday night before an event at the weekend is the worse one- nights out, seeing my boyfriend, social gatherings etc IVE RUINED. No more, enough is enough. This site is so helpful, we have just proven this. By admitting, thinking, analysing etc we can get better. Ive said i wont have another session loads of times but the after the most recent time when I joined this site, something has snapped in me. Its been a defining moment in my life.
freshstart76
April 11, 2010
Thank you thank you thank you... for your honesty and for extending so much support already! Like you, I feel like joining this forum is a defining moment. There is so much strength and power in finding people who understand. I look forward to celebrating our victories together! :)
40daysfromnow
April 09, 2010
I also find it helps me to talk about and read the psychological distress that picking causes as well as hearing about positive success stories. The success stories and positive words are very motivational and I wouldn't be where I am now without them. But... I feel that I also need reminders of why I am quitting and reminders of the consequences that come with picking. I need to hear the negative aspects of picking as much as I need to hear the positives of not picking. If I could associate picking with enough fear and distress, I wouldn't want to do it. Fear is a very strong motivator. But I agree that hearing positive stories are essential and we must keep posting those.
calli213
April 16, 2010
I am a recovering drug addict. My picking became really bad when I starting using amphetamines. I would spend hours and hours on end in front of the mirror to pass the time awake. The absolute worst time in many shocking times was when i was stuck in the company of some very unsavoury people. To deal with the anxiety of this situation i locked myself in the bathroom and proceeded to pick my face for over 8 HOURS STRAIGHT!!! By the time i came out of that bathroom and in the following days my face was more pustular and scabacious then ever before. In order for me to leave the house I would have to dress up in a makeshift muslim head covering I made out of a scarf. I am not muslim but by covering my entire face I was able to slip into a character that was acceptable to leave the house to get food etc. Any pimple no matter how big/small/blind or often NON EXISTANT gave me a excuse to squeeze my face. In my head i kept telling myself i would "make my self look better" but in fact I always looked a thousand times worse. I found some sort of pleasure in watching pus squirt out of that small pimple. I know its disgusting but its true. I even would go as far as to subject my then partner to letting me pick his small pimples on his back... bringing him down with me. I have been clean from drugs for over a year and now come to realise that this picking is not only a symptom of drug use as i still do it (to a much lesser degree) but still. Any time i am anxious or notice something on my face. I have got better but when I tell someone i have a pimple and they say "dont squeeze it, it will go away quicker if you leave it" that notion is just inconceivable to me. For the first time in over 20 years I do not feel alone in this by realising it is a disorder and probably stems from my already present disease of addiction. Thanks for letting me share.
esteromom
April 16, 2010
i totally fee the same way you do about watching the white stuff come out, it sounds disgusting to admit. But its facinating and exciting, like how will it and can I predict how it will. If alot comes out its like whoa look at that. I even put it on a napkin or on my fingernail with the other stuff I get out so when Im done, I can see everthing Ive gotten out during that session. I dont like the word puss so I rationalize it by thinking all puss is - dirt and oil and dead white blood cells, so Im helping myself and its not that gross. I also started picking on my husband at first he was ok when I explained what it was, but he has a low pain tolerance an got annoyed that I could do it for more than 3 minutes, then he got angry that I was constantly examining his body. So now I lovingly "scratch" his back. but what Im really doing is getting the hard noduals, that I feel without him knowing
wildflower
April 16, 2010
as long as you "allow" yourself to continue with the practices that you are "choosing" to do, very little will change. what you allow yourself to do to yourself is one thing. what you allow and justify doing to another person is totally another story. i said these same things to myself some time ago because i was the same way and realized where my responsibilities lie. i made myself ignore my hubby's skin issues. that was one step in the right direction. years later now, i have turned my focus on myself with a serious infection being the defining momentous occasion to make me get serious about stopping the gory and absurd picking practices despite the sick eerie amusement with it. i've managed to get over that and am more enthralled with having healed skin now. i wish the same for you. it will take a serious committed effort, though, but i know it is possible. i was a seasoned picker. you can do it too if i managed.
cherrycolalola
April 17, 2010
I had an addiction to uppers too,cali213. I know it made my picking worse for sure. I remember being in a hotel bathroom after partying with people for weeks and hitting such a low. I just picked all the time and every morning I would be hungover and my face a mess. Its great you can recognize it as a disease, just like drug addiction. I know that was huge for me. It helped me take responsibility, but also took some of the weight off in a way. I remember talking to a friend who struggles with drug abuse. I was talking about how hard it is for me to keep on hurting myself despite not wanting to. I remember she said, "Its okay. It makes sense. Its just addiction." At least we know what we are dealing with. Congrats on being clean for a year!

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