Looking to heal - inside and out. Seeking advice to break out of this prison of picking...

Gosh, reading some of the posts on this forum just about made me cry. I could have written each and every one of them, and for so long I have felt oh so alone. I'm sad that we're all struggling with this issue, but I'm impressed - and inspired - by everyone's strength and determination to beat this. A little background on me: I didn't have any strong female influences growing up (my mother was an alcoholic), so when my brother brought home his fabulous girlfriend, she was the girl I decided I wanted to be like. One fateful day, I walked by our bathroom, and she was in there picking at her face. I recall that she was slightly embarrassed, but she brushed it off by saying that it was important to get rid of pimples before they hit full force. That very small moment in my life ended up triggering a twenty-year obsession. I'm a perfectionist, there's no doubt about it. Anxious? Absolutely. I was even recently - surprisingly - diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, even though I'm fully functioning... well, fully functioning while disguising and bottling up a ton of anxiety. My way to escape the stress and anxiety? Picking. I'm a 33 year old female and single. It's so strange because I have an incredible group of friends who think the world of me, but I have yet to have a serious relationship. I know the big reason for that is the picking. I don't want anyone to get close enough to me where I will have to unveil my scars, my obsessions... or even worse, have him around after a "session". Although I don't feel it, people comment that I am beautiful - this would be on days, of course, when I don't have a nickel-sized scab on my chin. When I'm having a good skin day, I typically capitalize on it. The result? Numerous one-night stands. That's been my go-to method of having "intimacy" in my life without having to commit to someone and having them, ultimately, reject me because of my picking. For years I escaped major skin injuries - even the few times when I ended up having to go to the emergency room because the inflammation from my picking made my face swell up. (The doctors must have wondered how the heck I got the damage on my face... so humiliating.) I have my "tools" that I use... usually metal rounded objects that help get leverage when I am - God help me - squeezing and picking. In the early years, I would get welts, but sometimes they would almost heal overnight, but then something changed. In my mid to late twenties, I started scarring pretty significantly - almost keloid-like scarring. I went from people saying my skin was beautiful - I got really good at applying make-up! - to people asking what the hell was going on with my face. The shame and embarassment that came from this new outcome of picking was soul-crushing. Embarrassingly, I have taken many days off of work because I had open wounds on my face that were disgusting. From someone who takes great pride in her work ethic, knowing that I've missed work due to self-inflicted injuries is just so upsetting. Not only that, but I've ruined several attempts at real relationships with a guy by cancelling on him suddenly with very little explanation. Who wants to tell a guy that you can't go out because I've got an disgusting open sore on my face? Nevermind that the cancellation is followed by days of "I can't see you", as I try to let my face heal. It makes me look crazy, and the minute a guy gets even the smallest hint of the "crazy vibe", they're g-o-n-e. The cycle that I'm caught in now is thinking that if I pick "one last time", I will get rid of these raised scars that seem to be filled with gunk (sorry for the gory details), and *then* I'll stop. Inevitably, I just keep making things worse and worse. Right now my chin is a web of scarring... which really got bad after I stupidly tried a round of Fraxel laser two years ago. It made my acne - and scarring - tendencies a million times worse. So, here I am. I have a great guy in my life right now who may or may not become a bigger part of my life. Right now I have huge scabs on my chin, and although he is in town this weekend, I am praying that he doesn't just stop by. How crazy is that? I want him in my life, but I feel sick at the thought of him dropping in and - heaven forbid - showing that he's interested in me. I want this whole weekend to hide and heal... without this need to heal and embarrassment at looking so hideous, I would be out and about and enjoying this glorious weekend. I don't want to be self-conscious anymore. I don't want to be applying layers of make up anymore. I don't want to be house-bound for days at a time in order to heal my self-inflicted wounds. I want to feel confident and beautiful, but I feel like the damage is so far gone that I will never get to live the life that I envision, freed from this self-created prison of picking and scarring. More than anything, I don't want this condition to rob me of anymore happiness. My life could be full and wonderful, if only I could get a grip on this life-limiting habit. Four months ago, I started losing weight, and I've transformed my body, so I know I have the ability to make big changes. Now it's time to transform my mind and my skin. Although I will read through previous postings and the other incredibly helpful information contained on this heaven-sent site, I would really appreciate any and all advice relating to the following: *Breaking the cycle *Healing scars - tried and true products or procedures (e.g. prescription products, rose hip oil, vitamin E capsules, Bio-Oil, tea-tree oil, olive oil, glycolic, etc.) *Treating back and chest acne and scars (ugh) *Anxiety-busters To everyone who has been so candid in sharing their experiences and struggles on this forum, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long, long time. Best wishes to everyone on their journey to break free of this condition...