Broken ...literally

Just found this site and finally what I've felt for years and done for years I've realised is more than just some insignificant issue. The struggle I face is real. Im in a serious relationship, heading towards and engagement and for the first time in years, I told my boyfriend what I'm dealing with. That was hard, harder than everything else I've ever had to tell him. I just want to be better. Its an addiction, a sickness. I remember the first time it happened and i remember the last. Its not as bad as it used to be, when i had open wounds in my back, on my chest, massive scabs in my scalp, infections all over my arms and legs and bleeding, infected, wounds on top of wounds in my face... make up doesnt cover blood. It's not as bad but its still there with potential to grow. I hate it so much, it makes one feels so worthless.. Today I looked in the mirror and just saw tears weld up in my eyes. the girl i was looking at looked so broken, literally, blood stained face and scars on something that could be beautiful. She was in pain. Moving into a moment of strong compulsion where an unconscious state took over, where like 30 minutes later she snapped out of it and couldnt believe what she had been doing. it was like self soothing a horrific solution to whatever she was struggling with, and its like its out now but her condition has worsened. Her imperfections inside her have been magnified outside now. a place only she wanted to know is visible to the world. I feel like i cant sleepover anywhere knowing someone could wake up before me in the morning when my make up rubs off. I feel like i cant talk to people knowing when im looking at their eyes their eyes are examining my face. I feel ashamed and insecure. Im a bit of a hippie but I feel like I cannot be myself, i cannot dress how i want to, wear my hair like i want to, i cant just wake up and go somewhere without my 30 minute morning routine of covering up wounds of guilt. i feel NOT beautiful. im sick of being trapped. im sick of hiding behind hair and layer upon layer of dirt. im sick of not being able to feel the sun upon my cheeks or the rain on my forehead or the oceans waves crashing above me. i feel completely chained in this disorder, this uncontrollable compulsion triggered by lack of self worth and bad habits. Im only 19 and this has held me down for so long, since grade 5, when i immigrated to Australia. I cannot handle it anymore. Im sick of pretending and lying when people ask whats wrong, when i cannot bring myself to tell the truth. iv had teachers ask if i have chicken pox, iv had teachers wipe my face of make up infront of everyone in my high school class, leaving me humiliated. Iv sat on the toilet floor at school crying, praying I would be healed before I go back to class. iv isolated myself. iv had friends lovingly accept me and give me solutions to what they thought was the problem. iv had parents spend thousands on me with pills and medication and consultation. iv hated cold light since i can remember. i carry make up everywhere, its bitter sweet security. this is ruining me. i want to be free. i want to wear no make up and those beautiful hippie dresses and not always have to wear my hair out to cover everything. i want to feel the sun on my shoulders. i want to look in the mirror without make up on and not feel ashamed. i want my beautiful man to see me for who i am. this is making me be everything im not. i hate it. its a sickness i want to be healed. i dont know what to do anymore. i so badly want to be free. im desperate what happens when im married... and my husband sees me like this? i want to be beautiful. :'( wow... for a person who hates forums and blogs, I cannot believe how much I've written here...to strangers. Know if you're reading this you're not alone. Know that there's others like myself who need help too. And I do believe, somehow, we can be better.