New. Etc...picking, reasons, shame, lots of ■'s

Hi, my name is whyme (can't believe I got that user name ;) and I obsessively PICK. ■ Funny, it says "Body:" above this box and I immediately want to start listing what I pick. So, here goes... ■ The worst: → face; mostly around my ears, hairline and temples → neck → back; yep, I can reach pretty far → scalp; any tiny bit of anything → nose; can't remember ever NOT doing this and I do consume the "results" =( → lips; I bite off any tiny piece of skin that is rough → any loose skin inside my mouth, usually on the inside of my cheeks → chest → stomach ■ To a lesser degree: → arms → legs; mostly thighs → hair from my head → hangnails (very rare and I bite these off) and I've never been a nail biter ■ I am a female in my mid thirties. I have been diagnosed with atypical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Right now my picking is at an all time high. A stimulant was recently added to my cocktail of meds and it is essentially negating the help the anti-depressant was doing for this obsessive picking. To make matters worse, I have been woking from home for the last 6 months so I am doing it more than ever before. I would do this in public previously at jobs, but once I realized it, I'd usually stop. And it was Never to this severity. I am in actual pain from two spots as of yesterday. One under an ear, toward my neck, and another on my back...the back spot was a pimple and boy did I make it 20 times worse. ■ I am SO disgusted right now I can't even convey it. I'm sure if you're reading this you can relate anyway. ■ Not taking the stimulant is an option of course, but I still picked without it and it’s helping me greatly in other areas. But yeah, the picking has been worse for sure as of late. ■ Amazingly, I am not worried about going out in public. I even go places WITHOUT make-up, which I never did prior to a year ago (I mean NEVER). I attribute that to my Amazing boyfriend though who has boosted my self-esteem to an all time high. Even with all of these scabs and scars and drawing blood he tells me how beautiful I am. I am SO fortunate. ■ So, I saw a link in one of the threads here and I plan on starting there for help: http://www.stoppickingonme.com/index.php ■ No one's ever asked me why I do this. If I think about it, it's habitual of course. Actually for me, most of the time it IS a choice I do choose. Sometimes I just ignore the disappointment, disgust, pain and lack of control and just say "F" it. Occasionally though I will be at my computer, working, and look down at my fingertips which are covered in blood. Those moments are usually anxiety/habit based – like I can’t figure out how to answer an email etc and I just pick and pick and pick and then oopsy...blood! ■ When I “look”, or I should say, “feel”, for things to pick I find it very comforting to find bumps and any other raised surfaces. I have NO IDEA why this would bring me comfort. It’s also debris; like I will just feel around for anything I can remove from my skin (i.e. sand or other loose, non-skin material). Once in college I got the worst sunburn of my life and I stood in front of a mirror for hours peeling my skin. I loved it (?). My roommate was so disgusted. ■ I am sitting here right now fighting the urge, on occasion failing, as my skin is also very sensitive so I scratch many areas which leads to finding and sometimes creating places to pick. ■ Lately I have tried wearing dozens of band-aids, gloves, a scarf, using a stress ball and sitting on one hand. I have to type all day though so…yeah. In the past I have also tried a self-hypnosis MP3 which made a lot of sense...regarding hurting the skin etc. I guess what I learned didn't quite stick - or I never learned. I would listen to it every night too. So much for self-hypnosis ;) for me anyhow. I have also been in therapy countless times. Right now I have no insurance. I have a great (though VERY pricey) psychiatrist, but I would like to get back into therapy at some point ■ I think I NEED to be ashamed right now. My neck hurts SO bad it’s ridiculous. Today my boyfriend said it looked infected. I washed it with hydrogen peroxide a couple of times and then imagined an infection spreading to my brain. Luckily that was a brief thought! Gotta love my mind. haha...........Later I picked the scab…again. I just had to! WHY!!!??? The scabs form and then I pick again. The cycle has been never-ending. ■ I have good products for scars and acne (namely "Burt's Bees Res-Q Ointment" and "Bach Rescue Cream" -- if I could just not pick [well, I wouldn't be here writing this embarrassing post though, so yay!] these products would clear it all up in a week, I'd venture to guess). Every scar on my face is due to picking. I don’t need products, I need a mental breakthrough. ■ And the nose. Oh my gosh, I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t just read a new gal’s confession. Thanks to everyone who shares here! Getting caught is fun, isn’t it? It’s so freaking embarrassing – I always play it off like I’m wiping my nose – then I feel like people will think I’m a cocaine addict (never touched the stuff, but think of movies. heh). I only complete the entire “process” when I am alone. I cause nose bleeds maybe once every few months…not too bad. I read once that 'consuming the contents' (no, I can’t say the “e” word) actually boosts your immune system, helping to fight off diseases. I could kind of see that being true, but I would still much prefer to NOT do it AT ALL. I always hear my late mom in the back of my head, circa the late 70's, saying "are you diggin' for gold in there?" and feeling the heat on my face as it turned beet red. She knew of course and she'd also tell me it would make me sick...which I think it has a few times, but mostly not...I think?! Who knows, maybe it is the cause of every issue I have. That would be quite unamusing. I also know of one other person in my life who knew for SURE. An ex. He just told me one day that he knew...and that was that. I couldn't believe he still wanted to be with me!...and a dentist I used to have ALWAYS commented on how Thick my saliva was. I knew why. Not sure if she did. ■ Ok, I’ve reached the point of shame...It’s a start anyway. ■ Best of luck to all. ■ ~whyme (whyyou, whyanyofus?!) ■ P.S. "Lines and paragraphs break automatically." is not true in I.E., Chrome or Firefox, hence the ■'s =D